30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 30 & 60 Days Sober!

OMG. Here I am! I made it to the end! Well, as soon as I finish these action steps, I'll be done. And at 3:00 am, I will officially be 60 days sober! I should be celebrating, right? Don't get my wrong, I am proud of myself, but I have been in a depressed mood all day. I even cried a little. In fact, I haven't really been in a good mood all week. After thinking about it today, I think it is the fact that I really am about to achieve my goals of 60 days sober and finishing this program, and I'm actually scared. I'm scared of the idea of deciding never to drink again, and I'm scared to drink again. I don't want to fail either way. Does that make sense? After reading today's chapter, I have to make that choice... so here we go...

Action Step #1: Decide on your plan for the next 30 days regarding drinking:
Technically, now that I've finish my commitment of 60 days, I have said I will give myself permission to drink, but I have no plans to drink Day 61. And I don't have to drink! That's the point, right? I do know I will be out at bars for college football next weekend though, and it may be one of those moments when I want to "test the waters." I know they suggest waiting 6 months, but I don't think I am quite there yet. This was the plan going into this. I will definitely journal about my feelings, how much I drink, where, and with whom. I don't think the not drinking alone thing is very fair to someone like me who is single. But I get it, and I will do my best to avoid that. I definitely have no intention of drinking how much I used to. I plan to have club sodas and lime in between drinks (that is if there are even multiple ones) in case that habit of continually sipping something kicks in. I won't be doing shots and I will be hanging out with people who are aware of and respect that I am cutting back. I will check myself for cravings. I have decided that no matter what, I will do 30 days sober every January no matter what. I will honestly ask myself if I am moving closer to my old behavior and if I am moving closer or father  from the person I want to be on a weekly basis.

Action Step #2: Write down how and where you want to give back over the next 6 months:
I already volunteer for an annual city-wide event, which I will continue to do. I have in the past volunteered for the annual city festival too, which is coming up, so I will make sure I will do that as well. I will be signing up for an 8-week program that puts me with a team to do weekly projects in various areas of the metro. This will be a great way to meet new people and discover different volunteer opportunities to find what I feel passionate about. Once I go through the program, I will sign up for new opportunities.

Action Step #3: Design my new "Happy Hour:"
I sort of already have a daily ritual. I have been walking and listening to and memoirs self-help audiobooks at least 6 days a week. I have not been so good doing a lot of the continuing action steps lately. I want to get back to practicing gratitude, and I want to do the Deepak & Oprah meditation programs I purchase a few years ago that I have yet to successfully get through, starting with "Desire and Destiny." Yes, I have had this for years, and it literally says "Discover your purpose, follow your passion, and become the person you were born to be." As much as I struggled with this yesterday, I think calming my crazy brain and working on the questions they provide each day is what I need!

Action Step #4: Review my "before me" and before photo, keep journaling, and take a moment to acknowledge how far you have come in this program:
I definitely plan to keep journaling. It may be more in my actual physical journal than here, but I know for a fact that journaling is a valuable tool for mental health too. Um, I don't think I took a before picture, but I know I've lost weight, but I've been working on that in earnest too, so it's not just from not drinking. I could have definitely switched out alcohol for food! I feel better and look better in some ways, but unfortunately, my face is breaking out more, I still have some sort of allergic reaction going on on my face, and my digestive system is still not quite right. So that's kind of a bummer! But I know realistically going back to how I was drinking would not help any of that! I read my "before me" and that reinforces that. And hey, now... I did it! I am officially finished! And in less than 30 minutes, my 60 days is official. I have to say, that since I walked this afternoon, thought about why I was feeling down, and finished this just now, I am feeling a lot better.


Now that I am finished, will I be signing off "until tomorrow?" I can't promise that I will blog every day, but I plan to keep this up. I will also continue to try to pop into the companion site, and as I read and listen to other helpful books or find other resources, I will share them here. Thanks for following, and I hope that it has helped others on this program.


Until next time...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 29, Part 2

Ugh. I'm still really wanting to put this off, so let's just get right down to it so I don't put it off any longer! I'm just going to go through these questions, and write whatever comes out of my head.

Action Step #1: Write a life purpose statement using the 4-step Life Purpose Exercise:

1. My Passion: 

• What excites you? Nothing. (Here in lies my biggest problem.)
• What are you passionate about? Nothing. (Here, my problem continues.)
• Think about your happiest memories from childhood to now. I always think about being in show choir in high school. I loved it so much. And placing in our first national competition. But that was almost 25 years ago. I also think about the time I was in LA to shoot a commercial. It was such a great time. But I was drunk almost every night celebrating being there. I know I have had may memories, but most of them seem to involve alcohol. But the question did not say that it had to be sober memories.
• What was it that made you feel most alive? I don't know.
• What emotions did experience? Pure happiness. Pride. A sense of accomplishment.
• Did you feel joy, happiness, fulfillment, freedom, love, or an authentic connection? I felt joy, happiness, fulfillment, pride.
• Who was there? Well, in high school, all my high school friends were there, and  lot of our parents, and a bunch of people we didn't know! At the commercial shoot, I didn't know a soul. They were all new people, but all of us "talent" in the commercial became fast friends. 
• What are you doing when you lose all sense of time? I feel like I lose sense of time all the time, but I'm usually on my computer or watching TV, or playing games on my phone. I do tend to lose time when I am on vacation doing touristy things. I always think I have more time, and it takes forever to see everything and I then don't get to see everything I wanted!
• If money wasn't an issue, what would you do? NOT WORK! lol I'm not sure. I guess if I had a bunch of money, I'd go spend it! I'd get a new car, a new house, new clothes, some cosmetic surgery, and the go on a bunch of international trips. There we go, that's what I would do.
• What are your biggest accomplishments? Already mentioned, because they are the happiest moments of my life. Placing in the national competition in high school show choir and getting on a commercial a few years ago after losing a bunch of weight.
• What made them significant? Winning. Getting chosen. Feeling accomplished. 
• Was it how the accomplishment made you feel, the differences you made, or the challenges you had to overcome? How it made me feel. But as for the commercial, i was also proud of the challenges I had overcome to lose the weight.
• Have you had to overcome specific challenges and through that process realized you can help others do the same? Yes. For a while I blogged about my weight loss journey, and I liked being an inspiration and giving people hope and advice.

Now, look for common threads such as emotions, people or experiences, and determine your passion. I am clearly selfish. I want to feel accomplished. I want to perform. I want people to look to me for winning and my acheivements. Ugh, right now I do not like myself.

2. My Talents and Strengths:

• What are you good at? Well, the problem is I don't think I'm really that good at anything. I always say I am a "jack of all trades and master of none." I can do a lot of things, I'm not not all necessarily talented at them in my mind. 
• What would others say you are good at? I mentioned yesterday that I reached out to a couple of people via text. The 3 people I figured would respond did so. Two of which are my parents, and i think they are biased. The others have not responded, and of course I am feeling hurt. Like maybe they can't think of anything I am talented at either, or maybe they just don't like me anymore. Jesus, I am so down on myself. So here are the things I'm supposedly good at:
• I'm creative and have an eye for design
• I'm good at organizing events
• I am disciplined once I set my mind to something (I think I may have someone fooled! But hey, I have been disciplined lately not drinking and committing to this program!)
• I'm generous
• I'm loyal
• I think before I act
• I am always seeking answers
• I am able to analyze other's intentions, needs, actions, etc
• I give people the benefit of the doubt
• I am kind
• I am loving
• I am thoughtful
• I am smart
• I sing like an angel
• How do your strengths and talents relate to your passions? Well the creative part and the singing part relate to performing. The event planning relates to my wanting to feel accomplished.
• Do you believe you have a specific talent or strength that you haven't taken the time to develop? Yes, like everything. All these things that I can do, but I'm not that great at. But I feel like I don't have a true passion for them because I don't have the drive to pursue them full on.
• Thinking about your happiest moments again, what strengths or talents were you using to create them? Being disciplined, singing, and being creative, perhaps.
• Write down at least 3 top strengths before moving forward:
• creativness
• event planning
• Okay wait, I thought of one that I can't believe my parents or my friend didn't say! Everyone always says I am so funny! So my sense of humor.

3. Your Legacy

• What lasting difference or contribution would you like to make in your life? I have no idea. (More of my problems.)
• What are you doing to create that today? Clearly nothing, since I don't know.
• Are you making a difference in your current job? Sort of, but not directly. Some of the things I do help create continuous improvement initiatives at the college I work at, which in turn creates an environment that allows students to graduate, which for many is a huge dream.
• Are you making a difference in other ways? I used to participate in a monthly charitable event. I used to donate money on a monthly basis, but don't now. I donate money to causes when asked t the grocery store here and there. I participate in an annual volunteer event.
• Is there a way you can do more of that? I can start donating money again instead of spending it on me. I can get involved in the monthly charitable event again. I have looked into doing a volunteer series and doing some monthly hours at a local community center (so I guess I'm not totally selfish after all.)

4.Your Life Purpose (a two sentence statement based on steps 1-3):

Using my creativity, event planning skills, and sense of humor, I bring joy to the world.

That's all I've got. It's a first draft. Clearly, there is more work to be done on figuring out my passion and purpose. Now, Christ, this is the longest amount of work! That was all just for action step #1!

Action Step #2: Get clear about what you want by visualizing your ideal life in the areas of the "Vision Compass:"

Work and Career: My ideal job would be running a successful blog that paid well, and doing extra work in the movie and television industry as well as commercial gigs. I am a freelance worker, so I work from home. I determine my own hours, and I am my own boss, except of course when I am doing extra work. Someone else is running the show there! I am able to use my creativity and sense of humor. I feel creative, successful, happy, carefree, and accomplished. Managing all this is easy and I am energized now that I am clear-headed.

Finances: My annual income is over $200,000. There is plenty of money in savings, and I am investing in various areas. My net worth is is $500,000. I save so much money now that I am not throwing it away on booze and bars. My ideal home is a townhouse (so I don't have to take care of a yard!) that is modern and brand new in the city. I have been able to decorate it to my exact liking. My artwork is one of a kind that I have picked up at various shows and festivals. I drive a Lexus convertible. I have a large walk in closet with tons of shoes and clothes. I am able to buy new shoes and clothes every month from whatever store I want. Money is no object!

Free Time and Recreation: I go on many international vacations, including to Italy, France, Spain, Germany... just freaking everywhere I have never been! I take weekend road trips to Chattanooga, Asheville, Charleston, and more. Closer to home, I go to musical theater, the opera, museums, art galleries, sporting events, fundraisers/benefits, and all the many restaurants. I am able to have a few drinks here and there, but I have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude when it comes to alcohol. Oh and I do a bunch of things that I already wrote down on Day 26.

Health and Fitness: I am happy and full of energy and vitality. I am flexible and strong. I drink at least 80 fluid ounces of water every day. I run again, participating in the occasional 5K. I go to dance class. I at least try new ways of being active. I only eat until I am truly full and enjoy every bite. I am at my ideal healthy weight. My blood work is perfect. My blood pressure is normal. My body is functioning at its optimum level and is disease-free.

Relationships: I have made many new friends that I can do a variety of things with. These friends are low maintenance and drama-free! I have met and fallen in love with my soulmate.

Personal Goals: I attend personal growth workshops. I work on fine tuning my passion and purpose and aligning my life with that. I am learning new languages. I have learned to play piano again. I am trying new things and enjoying old things that I had stopped doing for a long time. It is easier to accomplish these goals with a clear head.

Contributions to the Larger Community: My community is supportive and mindful. I am surrounded by peaceful, interesting and fun people. I do various volunteer work throughout the community that help me feel needed and helps those who need assistance. I also volunteer in the arts.

I know I should have gone into more detail, but that's 7 freaking things. And I am all over the top about my financial situation.  Who the hell makes that much money blogging and being a movie extra? I know, I'm not supposed to worry about the how, but I was supposed to be super detailed. Back to my issues in step #1, I don't really know what I want or what my passion and purpose is, so how in the hell am I going to be that detailed? 

So an hour in, and I am now in Step #3.

Action Step #3: Write a vision statement that sums up each of the areas. Write them as an affirmation. Include your core values from Day 10. Include strengths, talents, etc.

Honestly, what I wrote for work and career and finances is over the top. This seems stupid. So I'm going to bring it down to reality and be vague BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY FREAKING KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT AND WHAT I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT AND THIS IS PISSING ME OFF AND MAKING ME SAD AT THE SAME TIME. I don't feel like effing little unrealistic little happiness affirmations are going to help. And this is way too much work for one day for me. I feel like working on my passion and purpose is an entire book of at least 30 days on its alone. So I'm going to find a book about passion. Meanwhile, here are my half-assed stupid statements because I said I was going to be 100% committed. I didn't say I was committed to doing it 100% perfectly. I committed to 30 days sober and finishing the program. That's it. So let's do this...

Work and Career: I use my creativity and sense of humor in a job I love.

Finances: I make lots of money because I am a good person and money grows on trees.

Free Time and Recreation: I do a lot of things to enrich my life and others' lives.

Health and Fitness: I am healthy, and skinny, and clear headed.

Relationships: I have great friends and I am married to my soulmate.

Personal Goals: I work on my passion and purpose daily to better myself and keep my mind working.

Contributions to the Larger Community: I do various volunteer work throughout the community that help me feel needed and helps those who need assistance. 

Yeah, I didn't use any core values. I didn't use strengths because, gee, after an hour, I am still not confident about what those are!!! Imagine that! Let's just get on with this.

Step #4: Write down your "why" (what drives you to keep going in life in spite of obstacles):

I don't know. I'm stubborn. It's the only life I have and the only thing I know. I don't know when it is going to end, and I want to enjoy it, not suffer as I had been. I am a good person, and I care about people and the world, and want to honor that. My parents. I don't know what they would do without me.

Oh thank god. I am freaking done. I am having a total aversion to this. I feel like I should have this all figured out. I don't. And it's not going to happen in one freaking day. Make that two, since I started this chapter yesterday. I need this broken down in chunks. Seven different areas of my life, all in one day?!? I'm over it.

Until tomorrow (peace out)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 29, Part 1

Geez, I am struggling to want to do today's action steps or any of the (what seems like thousands of!) ongoing steps I should be doing daily. I managed to get the chapter read. It took me a damn hour. I'm so close to finishing the program, yet I'm still supposed to continue doing at least 15 of these steps on the daily? talk about feeling overwhelmed. And doing these life purpose type things, like today's action steps, scares the crap out of me because I, honest to god, don't know what the hell my purpose is and I don't know what I want. I don't know if what I want is for selfish intentions such as attention or because I think that's what my family or the world at large expect me to do. And just tonight, I was watching another freaking show on the Laci Peterson murder (yes, I know, I am not supposed to be taking in that negativity, but damn it if these types of shows don't fascinate me!), and I thought to myself, what was Laci's life purpose? She was freaking murdered so young and with her unborn child. Did she really have to die for the rest of the world to learn some sort of lesson? What about anyone whose life is needlessly cut short by disease or just plain evil? This is where I get stuck in the whole everyone is born with a purpose thing. Several of my drunken journal entries over the years have pondered these thoughts, wondering why there are people who are desperate to live and do good for the world, when I just sit here like a bump on a log with nothing I'm passionate about, no burning desire to start and take care of a family or heal the world. Surely I am not here to be take care of my cat? I'm not even really that good at that. So here I haw and hem and struggle. Looks like today is going to be another two-parter.

I did make an effort. As part of action step #1, it was suggested that I ask friends and family what my what they think I am good at and what my unique talents are over the next few weeks. Well, I shot off a few text messages, and unsurprisingly, I heard back form the three people I knew would respond fairly quickly. My mom, my dad, and my good friend who is really into self-actualization type stuff. So at least I start. At least I read the chapter. And I've been thinking about the questions in the action steps in my head. At least it's a start. But of course, today got away from me, and I just couldn't wrap my head around this tonight. It's an important one, and there are several items to consider under the 4 action steps. So, yeah... I'll try tomorrow.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 27 & Day 28

So today should have been my last day of the program. Whoopsies. Instead, I sort of went off the grid there for a few days. The truth is that I had plans right after work on Friday, and I didn't get home until after midnight. I did actually read the chapter for Day 27 when I got home, but I was falling asleep while reading it. So technically at least I did something on Friday. When I saw there were 5 action steps though, I decided that since Day 28 was a review day, I could just do the 2 days together on Saturday. And that's whoopsies #2. I again had social plans and some errands to do, so time got away from me, and again I didn't get home until late. I was exhausted and just couldn't commit my brain to doing any action steps. On to whoopsies #3. Sunday. I just plain old, flat out did not feel like doing it. So Saturday and Sunday, I didn't do any work on this. I didn't read my Total Sobriety Solution, didn't do any breathing exercises, didn't wake up and list what I am grateful for, etc, etc... I did nothing. And you know what? For part of Sunday and today, I was a little blue. Perhaps because I didn't do all the positive things I'm supposed to be doing? Perhaps. Also, Day 26, The Love and Relationship Solution, just doesn't seem to really apply much to me. You'll see in my action steps. But here I am, making myself do them...

Action Step #1: Write down all the negative impacts drinking had on my relationships:
The only things I can think of is that I was doing less social things because it was cheaper to drink alone, and in the few short romantic relationships I was in, I just know that we both drank heavily, and it was an issue. My romantic partner did not, however, see it as an issue. Because I do not have a family of my own, I don't live with my parents, I have a small circle of friends, and I live alone, I really made it easy to not affect my relationships so much. There were no promises to anyone that I didn't keep. I know in my 20's and 30's, there were a few things that might have hurt my friends, but I am no longer friends with those people, because they drank just as much, and hurt me as well.

Action Step #2: Listen to the Merge Meditation:
Yeah, I couldn't even get through that. Just like the exploding head one (or whatever it was called) and visualization in general. I am horrible at it. I don't know what the drunk me looks and with all my senses (seriously, what does drunk me taste like?!? LOL). I can't seem to visualize anything crystal clear. It's all very vague. I guess this is just one of those solutions that is just not going to be in the set I keep up.

Action Step #3: Create a list of relationships I need to clean up:
As I stated in action step #1, I don't think there are any relationships I need to clean up. In fact, there was one friend I hurt in my 20's that I went to great lengths to apologize to, and the others have been out of my life for over 10 years. The person I was and how I behaved back then is different from now anyway. I still have to say I forgive myself in the mirror each day when I do remember something stupid I did that hurt a friend, so the only person I need to keep working on cleaning up a relationship, is with myself. I am lucky that I did not have a spouse and children to hurt.

Action Step #4: Write down my broken agreements:
I have never agreed to someone that I was going to cut back or quit in the past and not done it. The only thing that I have agreed to many times is making social plans, and then backing out because I just did't want to, would rather drink by myself at home, or was too hungover. I can't pinpoint all the times, the specific event, and to whom I backed out on. And the truth is, I still back out of social engagements when I am sober, just not as often. That's a part of me trying to do the social things I think I should do, and then realizing I don't have the desire and I don't want to deal with the social anxiety.

Action Step #5: Make a list of everyone I spend time with and then rank those relationships:
Because this blog is anonymous, I don't want to write out the actual names of my friends. I have honestly stopped hanging out with my party friends a while ago because I gained a lot of weight back and didn't feel good about going out with them anymore. My circle of friends has gotten very small, and only two of them go out drinking every weekend, yet they don't pressure me to drink. In fact, I went out with them to dinner finally on Friday, and they had less than 2 drinks and went home when I did. All of the few other friends that I have have do not drink nearly as much as me, so I am trying to hang out with them more! I don't hang out with my parents or any other family members because they don't live here. I actually want to make more friends, but what is different is that I want to make friends that don't like to drink a lot, whereas before I think in my head I wanted more friends that drink more than me so I didn't look so bad and I had an excuse to drink excessively!


Now technically I need to do Day 28 as well, and it's a review day! Yay. Oh dang. I guess I actually should review. So I am going to go back through the companion site... at some point, but it's getting late tonight. But not so fast, I did promise on Day 26 that I would listen to the "Rediscovering Your Joy" guided process on review day. And here we are. It's funny because I already thought about this topic today, as I've been listening to Rachel Hart's "Take a Break from Drinking" podcast during my walks, and in Episode 25 Creating vs. Consuming Fun, and she asked listeners to think about a time when you were not drinking where you created your fun. I can think of times I tried to put together a community play of "Annie" (but only ever deciding on who would play what part and never getting much further than listening to the record of the cast recording), or making up lip sync routines, or designing buttons and gizmos out of paper, cups, and crayons to tape to the side of the picnic table to turn it into our spaceship, or playing waitress (because this was my dream job as a child), or riding bikes, or playing on the slip 'n' slide. All things that sound great to kids. None of it seems quite as exciting as an adult. (Okay, maybe the slip 'n' slide.) I know I can create my own joy, but it's not exactly the same as the last time I didn't drink. I was under the age of 18. Now I'm in my 40's. I get it, I get it. It's just not an exact correlation. I think to myself, yes, I do like creative things, and yes, I enjoy going to the museum without a drink, but is it the most fun and exciting? No. What was more fun was going out for drinks afterward. So yeah, I'm still struggling with this.


Until tomorrow (hopefully for real this time... haha)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 26

Very nice to see another more fun action step for the day. Interesting that I was just thinking of things I wanted to do earlier today on my walk. The trouble is sometimes I "get in over my head" involving myself in too many things all at once and get overwhelmed. There are a lot of things I want to try or do, but I will have to make sure to space it out, yet make sure that I'm not doing any of them at all! So on to develop that Positive Addiction solution...

Action Step #1: Start exercising:
Once again, I am ahead of the game! Woo hoo! It is going on my 7th week of walking at least 6 days a week at least 3 miles, save maybe a few days I did 2.5 miles. I want to start varying what I am doing because when it starts getting darker and colder, I won't be as motivated to get outside. I used to go to this dance class that I really liked, and I just haven't gone back, so I think it's about time I add that in.

Action Step #2.a.: Review the 101 new activities list and write down all (and any others) that interest me:
This one also ties in with a concept from the Naturally Slim program (that I talked about yesterday) as well. One of the principles states that we have to get our vital needs met or we will turn to food, or in many people's cases, alcohol as well. We chose 7 from a list that are important to us. Mine are personal time, sleep, time alone, financial security, learning something new, having a project, and humor. I can definitely make sure some of these are met by participating in many of these activities. Here's what I would like to try:

• Practice smiling.
• Learn how to read music again.
• Learn how to play the piano again.
• Learn how to play the guitar.
• Take dance classes.
• Research places to travel.
• Watch funny videos, standup, movies, on YouTube, Netflix, etc.
• Take a class online or locally or both.
• Explore more area parks.
• Become active in Dining for Women again, or even start your own chapter.
• Find other groups to be a part of.
• Maybe take a yoga class. I keep saying I a can't stand it, but I've barely tried, and everyone talks about how good it is for mind-body connection and recovery.
• Spend more time with inspiring and positive friends.
• Continue redecorating my home.
• Actually go to some meetups besides just the one you have gone to.
• Do a random act of kindness without expecting a thank you or recognition.
• Take an improve class. Maybe. It kind of scares the crap out of me, but people always say I should do it cause "you're so funny!"
• Create a collage of Natasha, my cat that pass away last year. I've been meaning to do that.
• Go to musicals and/or operas.
• Go to museums, art galleries, the zoo, or the botanical gardens.
• Plan and go on a weekend road trip.
• Attend a Falcons game.
• Join or start a book club.
• Reach out to a friend from my past to reconnect... not sure who though.
• Find free speaking events in my area.
• Join Toastmasters. Again, it scares me, but maybe it would be challenging.
• Take singing lessons again.
• Join the Sweet Adelaides chorus.
• Attend a recovery program meeting. Not sure I really want to. But I've thought about it sometimes.
• Take a cooking class.
• Finally finish (or really start!) my vision board.
• Go to a comedy club.
• Do artistic things: Do your painting project. Try to do acrylic pouring. Maybe take an art class. Do more adult coloring books.
• Randomly stop what I'm doing and do 10 jumping jacks, pushups, situps, planks, etc.
• Take tennis lessons to see if you might like it.
• Consider joining a kickball league. But maybe not. I'm not certain I am actually good at that.
• Get involved with a non-profit. 
• Sign up for a seminar or conference.
• Try knitting again.
• Take a self defense class.
• Take a tai chi class.
• Consider taking tennis lessons.
• Sell some stuff to start one of these things that cost money!
• Hire a life coach or career coach.
• Figure out what your passion is.
• Figure out what job you really want.
• Try a new aerobics class or get a new aerobics DVD.
• Try photography again.
• Learn how to make a font.
• Make jewelry, like that fused glass stuff.
• Get your Master's degree. Maybe.
• Take a friend out to dinner.
• Brainstorm other sobriety rewards for future goals.
• Sign up for 5K's again.
• Clean your car. PLEASE CLEAN YOUR CAR! LOL
• Write a thank you letter to someone who has had a positive impact on your life.
• Buy new clothes.
• Learn to speak Spanish. And I want to learn Italian too. I should really relearn French too since I already did that in high school. Maybe that's all too much. LOL
• Write down what you would tell a tourist to see here and do it yourself.
• Learn to play chess.
• Play on your Wii again!
• Go to the lake. You have never been to the lake in the over 17 years you have lived here!
• Do karaoke again.
• Try to be an extra in the movies filmed here.
• Audition for a musical.

And here's what I have already started doing:

• Walk outside.
• Listening to audiobooks when I walk.
• Listen to audiobooks and or read memoirs of people in recovery.
• Listen to audiobooks and or read memoirs of funny people (comedians, etc).
• Started a blog on a topic I am interested in. (This one.)
• I will be pampering myself at a spa as a reward when I am 60 days sober on August 25th!
• I have been checking out Groupon, ScoutMob, and Goldstar for things to do! (I just need to actually do more of them!)
• I allow myself to be silly. That is no problem!
• I just took a friend out to coffee that I haven't seen in a long time.

Action Step #2.b.: Pick one activity and do something right now to get started:
So I actually went and looked for spa services I could chose from on Groupon for my 60 days reward. I also looked up Laughter Yoga (mentioned in the book). Not sure about that. And I started a Pinterest board of "Things To Do."

Action Step #2.c: Make a recurring appointment to remind me to add new activities to my life:
I set up a reminder in my google calendar once a month to come look at this post and take some action on some new activities.

Action Step #3: Listen to the "Rediscovering Your Joy" guided meditation on the companion site:
100% honesty here. I didn't do it. Today has entirely gotten away from me. It's about to be 3:00 am, and I need to go to bed! I promise to do it on the Review Day Solution, which should be coming up soon, right?

ON A SIDE NOTE... I just had a breakdown because I thought I had completely deleted this entire entry after working on it for over an hour and it being so late! I am tired, and at first couldn't figure out what I had done. I was so far from discovering any joy at that point! My poor brain needs some serious down time after that freak out!

Action Step #4: Set relaxation and entertainment goals:
When I am consciously setting goals or deciding whether or not to do something, I will ask myself "what is the outcome I want from this activity?" Whatever it is, as long as it is positive, gives me that internal permission to go for it!


Until tomorrow (AND GOOD NIGHT!)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 20

Woot woot! I'm two-thirds of the way done! And I am happy to see today's topic... The Gratitude Solution. This isn't the first time I've worked on recognizing what I am grateful for. I've been journaling on and off for for many, many years now, and in lots of those journal entries, I would write down what I was grateful for at the end, basically to end on a positive note. So let's get down to it.

Action Step #1: List 25 or more things you are grateful for:

1. That I still own my home.
2. That I have no credit card debt.
3. That I was able to refinance my home and save money.
4. My cat.
5. My friends.
6. My parents.
7. That my house is picked up.
8. That I have maintained sobriety for 46 days (it will be 47 in a few hours!)
9. That I woke up without a hangover.
10. That I have lost almost 35 pounds since January 3rd.
11. That I have walked at least 5 days a week for 7 weeks straight.
12. That I ran across the "30 Day Sobriety Solution."
13. The supportive people I have come across in the forum.
14. My long hair.
15. That my health problems are manageable.
16. My electronics (laptop, iphone, ipad, TV, and Roku).
17. The games I can play on my electronics!
18. All the televisions show and movies available to watch!
19. The flexibility of my work hours and the ability to work from home.
20. My relationship with my boss.
21. The library. (Free books!)
22. The city I live in.
23. That I have learned to become a better cook.
24. That I had the experiences I had in high school and college.
25. That I got the opportunity to be in a commercial once upon a time.

It started getting not as easy halfway through, but I managed to think of some more!

Action Step #2: When you wake up in the morning, think about 5 or more things that you are grateful for (and spend a few minutes actually feeling grateful):

Well, obviously that won't happen until tomorrow. I'll try to write about that tomorrow. I'm going to set a reminder on my phone to do that so I won't forget!

Action Step #3: Tell someone how much you appreciate them either face-to-face, on the phone, in an email, or by writing a letter:

Well, it's after midnight, so I can't exactly call someone or go see someone right at the moment! So I sent a message to someone I have regularly been in touch with on the companion site that has routinely checked in on me. I do really appreciate them!

Ok, now I do have a confession. I was supposed to be reviewing my Total Sobriety Affirmation from Day 18 daily, in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bed, and yesterday I only did it once. Today, I've only done it once. This whole 3 times a day thing doesn't appear to be my jam. 

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 19

Yeah, I really don't feel like doing this today. I did read the chapter. But we have to write a new "me" statement. More goals. And I guess that is part of my problem. I don't know all the details of what I want for myself. I realize that part of this process for me is to figure that out, but there are a lot of things in my head that I am not certain if I truly want to do because I am passionate about it, or if I want to do them for some false feeling of what I should be doing or what would make other people happy, or look up to me, make me feel "cool." That doesn't seem so authentic. That's what I need to figure out. So, today's solution, the attraction solution, may well be another half-assed one.

Action Step #1: Use the "ask, believe, receive" process:
See they even say in this section "now that you have clarity about what you want..."  Ummm, clari-who?!? I still don't! I know generically I want to be happy and healthy, but I don't really know the specifics of how to achieve that besides cut back or quit drinking and work out and eat better. Anyway, the next time I am daydreaming about my life but then start getting negative about it, I'm supposed to use this process. Mostly lately I've been daydreaming about being on a future season of the reality TV show, Big Brother. But after reading this chapter, even watching the show is probably not good for me (see Action Step #2). And do I want this because I am truly passionate about it, or do I want it because of the semi-celebrity associated with it? And the book says to be realistic. Is this really realistic? So maybe I need to change my little daydreams.

Action Step #2: Change your inputs (stop watching negative, fear-inducing news, shows, stories, images, and videos, and ask yourself if the books, video games, shows, movies, etc. you choose leave you in a positive mind-frame and add value to your life):
So yeah, does Big Brother really add value to my life? LOL Other than researching it to figure out how I can win the $500,000 when I am on it! haha  I also like Snapped, 20/20, Dateline, Forensic Files, etc. Certainly, those are not good for me. But I have an interest in forensics! The good news is the games I chose to play, for the most part, are not violent... sudoku, matching with friends, farmville 2, candy crush. Every once in a while I do play Walking Dead' No Mans Land, but I turn the "gore" off. Not sure that any of those games are actually enhancing my life. But maybe they help me with keeping my mind problem-solving? Maybe I am staving off Alzheimer's and dementia? One can hope! And oh yeah, I watch The Walking Dead too. That's probably not good either, but I love it! Well, the other good thing is that I actually do not watch the news, for the very reason that it is depressing! I do get highlights of headlines on my phone, but I only read a select few. *sigh* I may not be very good at this one!

Action Step #3: Write Your New Story:
Crap. Now we are at the point that I am supposed to write a present-tense story of where I am in a year. I have no idea. I'm just going to write some stuff, and hopefully, in the near future I can mold it and fill in the blanks as I figure out the specifics of where I want to be. Oh, and I am supposed to read it at least once a week and update it as I get more clarity. Which is good since I am really not clear!

So I started to think about this, and I don't really understand how this is anything different from the "new me" statement I wrote on day 2. I guess in 17 days it should have evolved and changed, but sorry, that hasn't happened. I still don't really know what career I want, I don't know the exact hobbies I want to be engaged in, I don't even really know if I want to be dating by then, or if I just feel like I should because I'm in my 40's, never been married, and I should be with someone, and society expects that I should be married by now, or at least have a boyfriend. I can't truly imagine any kind of relationship with someone because I am still working on myself. So that's just it. My story hasn't changed in 17 days. I need more time. So instead of copying and pasting the whole damn thing here, I'm just going to refer to my Day 2 journal entry. Eventually, it will evolve and be rewritten to be more specific, but I'm must not there yet.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 18

Well, it is so nice to see the double-digits continue, and getting almost into the 20s! And I am so glad I gave myself permission just to read the chapter and not take copious notes. I was feeling like this was so time-consuming. Some nights I would spend upwards of five hours on it! It's not like I quit my job to do this, right?!? So, I'm feeling good about today. The last two days, or maybe even more than that were rough. Feeling more positive today. I don't know if I am exactly doing this right, but it said don't worry about being perfect! As long as I am positive and in the present tense, I am good with it for the moment!

Action Step #1: write your Total Sobriety Affirmation:

I have a clear mind so that I can easily make informed decisions.
I am vibrant and full of happiness.
I feel amazing both mentally and physically.
My sleep is peaceful and comforting.
Creativity flows through me.
My humor is amplified.
I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love.
I am grateful and proud that I have maintained sobriety.
I have stayed sober for 60 days in a row, allowing my authenticity to shine.
I have completed the program's readings daily and finished the action steps.
I look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that my appreciation for myself, happiness, and self-reliance continues to grow.
It is easier to have a fun and exciting life while sober.
I am just as fun, cool, and likable as I want to be in sobriety.
Sex is more exciting when my senses are intensified through sobriety.
My anxiety is better with long-term sobriety.
I am a normal person that just requires some extra assistance to be a normal drinker.
I have fun and am naturally inspired and passionate about life in sobriety.
I am relieved that I am healthy, I am at a normal weight, and my bloodwork has stabilized.
I easily and happily order a club soda in any social situation.
I exude unwavering self-confidence in sobriety.

Action Step #2: Use your Total Sobriety Affirmation daily:
I plan to write my Total Sobriety Affirmation on notecards and/or print it out. I will read it aloud in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bed. I will record my affirmations to listen to while walking. When I catch myself complaining, blaming, justifying bad behavior, or engaging in negative self-talk, I will review my affirmations. The more I repeat them, the better. I will ask questions, as we learned on Day 16 about my affirmations. When possible, I will supercharge my affirmations by using visualization, feeling the emotions, and using tapping.

Action Step #3: Listen to the thriving-in-sobriety guided affirmations:
So I did that. I just can't seem to really get into these visualization things. Maybe it will come with time.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 13

I have had a book sitting on my shelf called "The Tapping Solution " for a few years now. It came with a bundle of books I got after watching a PBS show once upon a time. I have not yet read it. And then here we come to today's solution.... about that very thing. Like others, I am skeptical, but it's not like it hurts you, so I might as well try.

Action Step #1: Practice the basic tapping procedure every day until you no longer need the diagram to know the sequence.
So, I practiced it. And I think I have it down. I'll come back to it tomorrow. I used one of my limiting beliefs from Day 9. I also used it again because I started feeling bad, and then I felt like I was going into a panic attack. I wouldn't say that the panic-y feeling are completely gone, but I do feel better. I just can't stand to keep tapping myself all over anymore!

Action Step #2: Revisit Day 4, and if you are still holding any judgement, anger, or resentment toward yourself or anyone else, tap to neutralize and release those feelings.
I don't think I am holding resentment. Or maybe because I am sick of tapping myself?! I might try this tomorrow. I don't feel like I am in the frame of mind to tackle this right now. I'm still feeling yucky, and I need a fresh mind!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 12

I am glad the reading and the action steps are a lot shorter today. Yesterday was intense. So let's get right to it...  The Subconscious Mind Solution...

Action Step #1: Reprogram yourself for success before bed:

I will read my 30-day vision statement, goals, forgiveness affirmation, new beliefs, and "new me" before I go to bed so my subconscious has a chance to reprogram overnight with fresh visualizations.

Action Step #2:Complete all the guided imagery exercises for past solutions, if you have not done so already, and review past solutions and explore how they are already helping to reprogram your subconscious.

I think I already did all of them. I'll check out the companion site to see if I missed anything. I can absolutely see that what I have learned so far is helping to reprogram my subconscious.

Action Step #3: Identify your subconscious drinking links by writing down times, places, and emotional states (happy, sad, angry, bored) you were in when you used to drink and when you really craved a drink, and try to recall incidents from your childhood that helped create these links:

My drinking was often linked to getting done with work. It didn't matter if at home or at a social event. And honestly I would drink for any emotional state! The cravings were worse on the weekend... because "it's the weekend! I should be able to drink! I don't have to work!" It appears to me that I have truly developed a habit. I don't have those strong cravings anymore just because I'm getting off work or it's the weekend. It's amazing how it's already changed.

There was absolutely nothing from my childhood that I remember that showed me drinking was a good thing. My parents did not drink! Well, my father had a drinking problem, but he quit before I was 2 years old. I have no memories of him drinking at all. He drinks now, by the way, but very moderately, and didn't start again until I was in my 30s, he was in his 50s! I think yesterday, I really hit on what from my childhood influenced my problem drinking later in life. It was somewhat of an epiphany because I always wondered how I got to where I was when I didn't really drink in my youth.

I'm off to check out the companion site forums so I can catch up on some responses!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 11

Well, first I just have to say it was very enlightening to realize where much of my limiting beliefs come from. As a child, I believed “I didn't fit in,” I was shy and socially awkward, and "I was not good enough” if I wasn't number one at something. I got made fun of for being "unathletic" and a slow runner (a.k.a. "not good enough") by my friends in elementary school. I even remember the time I really wanted to be friends with this girl in pre-school, and this big bully girl with orange-red hair wouldn't let her be friends with me. While I wasn't a total dork in high school, I still wasn't one of the "cool" kids. And it wasn't until my late 20s that I realized not everyone liked me, and that was devastating to me. Even if I wasn't the coolest, I always try to be nice to everyone.

I was afraid to be bad and drink in high school, but college was a whole new world, and when I drank I was "cool" and I "fit in." But it was a weekend thing for fun, not a stress reliever or an attempt to self-medicate. It wasn't until my late 20s that I even entertained the idea of having a few drinks at home during the work week. I had never experienced my parents doing that, and my roommates up until that point didn't do that. Living with roommates who normalized drinking on the daily, combined with a major bought of depression and panic attacks, led to my first foray into self-medicating and a serious drinking problem. I don't believe I have a disease called alcoholism. I believe my drinking became a coping mechanism for my depression, anxiety, and sleeping issues, but I still believed it was making me cool and fun. My alcohol consumption has wavered to and from varying degrees since then, over the last 10 or so years. But every time I was in a better place, I didn't commit to getting to the bottom of "why." I learned some skills for anxiety and depression, but clearly nothing to keep me in that better place. This program seems to be hitting exactly what I was missing before so far, and I am pleased.

Now, onward with more of this work for the day.... The Lie Detector Solution.

Action Step #1: Which limiting beliefs have I believed up until now:

• It is not possible to be sober and have a fun and exciting life.
• I am not fun, cool, or likable without alcohol.
• Sex and sobriety suck.
• Drinking reduces my anxiety.
• I need alcohol so I can sleep.
• Alcoholics are losers.
• Most people drink, and I don't want to be different.
• People will think something is wrong with me if I don't drink.

Action Step #2.a.: What I think about sober people:

• They can't control themselves.
• They are different and are not like most "normal" people. 
• There is usually something wrong with them. 
• Most are happy with a different social life than I prefer. 
• They do things that old people do. 
• They are more reserved, not very cool, and kind of boring.
• They probably judge me if I even have one drink.

Action Step #2.b.: Friends, family members, or public figures I respect who are sober or are "normal drinkers."

• My parents
• Tracey
• Maria
• Ron
• Jema
• Bradley Cooper
• Kristen Davis
• Kathy Griffin
• Al Pacino
• Samuel L. Jackson
• Shania Twain
• Jennifer Lopez
• Chris Hardwick

Action Step #3: Cross-examine my top five limiting beliefs:

• It is not possible to be sober and have a fun and exciting life.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: It is all-or-nothing thinking to believe that nothing is fun or exciting without alcohol. 
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: You have done things in your life, even in high school, that were, in fact, some of the best moments of your life that did not involve alcohol. You have performed, competed, and won competitions without alcohol. You have completed 5Ks without alcohol (even though the actual running sucked, the finishing was great.) You have done a photo shoot and commercial without alcohol.
• I am not fun, cool, or likable without alcohol.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: Do you really believe that everyone who has met you when you were not drinking does not like you, does not think you are cool, or does not think you are fun?
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: You have friends that hang out with you when you are sober! If they thought you were not fun, not cool, and/or unlikable, why would they bother? People at work like you and laugh when you joke around, and you aren't drinking at work!
• Sex and sobriety suck.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: I can make stupid decisions about who to have sex with when I am drunk. It is also again all-or-nothing thinking to believe that sex without alcohol is never good. You don't remember half, if any, of what happens when you have sex intoxicated! How many times has sex still sucked when you were drinking?
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: Lots of people have sex sober, and I'm pretty sure they quite like it. Alcohol can dull your senses and affect your performance, so having sex sober has great potential to be better!
• Drinking reduces my anxiety.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: There are other ways to reduce anxiety.
• WHY IT IS NOT  TRUE: Excessive alcohol use can actually make anxiety worse. Drinking too much to relieve social anxiety may actually cause you to come off worse, such as slurring your words, forgetting what you were saying, saying things you normally wouldn't say or regret, and/or not remembering what happened the next day!
• People will think something is wrong with me if I don't drink.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: Being concerned with what everyone thinks of you is very self-limiting.
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: Not everyone is going to think that. And if they do, do you really want to be their friend if they are that judgmental?

And really, in summary, all of these are limiting because if I believe them, then I won't be successful in trying to cut back or quit drinking in the long term.

Action Step #4:  My new beliefs to replace my limiting beliefs:

• It is easier to have a fun and exciting life while sober.
• I am just as fun, cool, and likable as I want to be in sobriety.
• Sex is more exciting when my senses are intensified through sobriety.
• My anxiety is better with long-term sobriety.
• Sobriety allows me to have better sleep.
• Alcoholics and problem drinkers are just normal people who need some help becoming "normal drinkers" or teetotallers.
• While it seems most people drink, there are plenty of people who are teetotallers or are "normal drinkers," and whether or not I am sober is insignificant to them. 
• People who choose not to drink are normal people, and most do not concern themselves with how much I drink.

Now off to write those new beliefs on some notecards to read every day...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 10

Alright! I'm in the double digits now! One-third of the way there! Of course, I still have a ton of other things to do today and well, it's evening now, so let's get cracking on this Core Values Solution!

Action Step #1.a: Review the list of possible core values in the book, and write down the core values that stand out to you:

• Authenticity
• Appreciation
• Comfort
• Creativity
• Fun
• Generosity
• Happiness
• Humor
• Integrity
• Self-reliance
• Tolerance

As suggested, I went with my gut instinct. It was hard to determine if I truly valued that, or if it was something I think I should value.

Action Step #1.b: Think of situations, people, or movie/TV characters that really upset, offend, or anger you, and write down which of your values are compromised in each situation:

• Donald Trump. Everything he does violates my core values of integrity, generosity, and tolerance.
• People who don't tip bartenders or servers, but that's mostly because I was a server before, and I know they don't make enough without tipping. So I guess that violates integrity or generosity.
• People who can't take a joke. And I don't mean a mean one that someone continually jokes on someone about. Just people with out a sense of humor. Clearly, this violates my value of humor. 
• People who use religion as a form of hate. This violates integrity, generosity, and tolerance.

Action Step #1.c: Think of the people (dead or alive) whom you admire the most, and write down the values or emotions you respect most about these people:

• My Papa. He always seemed genuine and loved everyone. He loved to tell jokes. He loved painting. I don't remember him ever lying. He was never mean. He just had a wonderful aura about him. The values of appreciation, authenticity, comfort, courage, creativity, dependability, fun, generosity, happiness, honestly, humor, integrity, joy, love, loyalty, tolerance, and truth come to mind when I think of him.
• Michelle Obama and President Obama. Ok, I put them together, but I have so much respect for them both. They were both classy, and in the face of some many nay-sayers and adversity, worked hard to do what they felt was right for our country, while continuing to be respectable citizens and role models for their children and the world. The values of accountability, achievement, appreciation, authenticity, courage, honesty, influence, integrity, justice, passion, patience, strength, success, tolerance, and wisdom come to mind.

Action Step #1.d: From your list, pick 10 values you identity with most and write down how your drinking has played a role in contradicting or violating each of these:

• Authenticity: I don't suppose I was always being my true self when drinking. In fact, I can remember times someone told me I did something that I can't remember doing, and I thought, I can't believe I did that.
• Appreciation: I was not think I was necessarily doing anything that people appreciated me for when I was drinking, except for maybe buying people drinks on occasion!
• Comfort: I gained a false sense of comfort when drinking. It was temporarily helping my sleeping issues. I was temporarily not anxious about anything, and therefore felt comfort, but then I was become even less comfortable when I was not drinking.
• Creativity: I believed that I was more creative sometimes when drinking, but I would often get side-tracked with other things or just not feel like doing whatever creative thing I was trying to accomplish after a certain point.
• Fun: There have been some seriously fun moments while drinking. I am not going to lie. But there have been many other moments where I have cried. I have written things in my journal or said things out loud that were very sad, and often I did not feel the same when sober the next day. The drinking intensified my sadness and insecurities if I drank too much, if I drank past the "fun point."
• Generosity: Buying people drinks on occasion is generous, but I am most likely thinking only of myself when I am drinking. Luckily, I don't have a family that has gotten the short end of the stick from my drinking. But, perhaps I said something inappropriate or mean to someone that I would not have when I was sober. 
• Happiness: (see fun.)
• Humor: I have to say that I laugh a lot and make jokes when I am drinking with friends. Everything is hysterical. But again, see "fun." Eventually, I take it too far, and when I am drinking alone, sadness seeps in, and I am no longer laughing.
• Integrity: Do I really give a crap about my integrity when I am drinking? I'm sure I don't. I get more bent out of shape about things than I would when I'm sober. In my younger years, I ended up going home with people I would not have sober. Luckily, I am more of the anti-going home with people at this age. I would venture to say integrity is still not a priority when I drink.
• Self-reliance: Ummm, yeah. All those times you couldn't find... your purse, your phone, your money, your jacket... and you needed someone else to help you find it. When you've needed help walking or getting upstairs because you were so drunk. I definitely need other people when I am drinking, and rely less on myself.
• Tolerance: I am much more quick to anger and be upset by anything when I am drinking. I may not change my major social beliefs, but I am definitely less tolerant about little things, such as how long it takes to get my drink.

Action Step #2: Update your 30-Day Vision Statement (Day 2) and Goals (Day 6) with some of your core values:

I just have to say first that I am slightly annoyed that I have to change my vision statement. I already memorized it! Okay, I will survive. Moving on....

Updated 30-Day Vision Statement:

I have a clear mind, I am vibrant, and I am full of happiness. I feel amazing both mentally and physically. My sleep is peaceful and comforting. Creativity flows through me, and my humor is amplified. I accept full responsibility for my actions, yet I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love. I am grateful and proud that I have maintained sobriety.

Updated Goals:

#1: I will have stayed sober for 60 days in a row, allowing my authenticity to thrive, by Friday, August 25, 2017, at 3:00 AM EST.

#2: Every night by 4:00 AM, I will have completed either that day’s reading and/or finished the action steps for the 30-Day Sobriety Solution, and spent 5 minutes or more writing here in my journal until I have completed the program by 4:00 AM on Friday, September 8, 2017.

#3: I will continue to look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that my appreciation for myself, happiness, and self-reliance will grow, and I will truly begin to feel that way by the time I complete this program.

Now I have to write up new notecards...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 9

I sadly feel very unaccomplished for the day. I cannot even believe that it is after 5:30 pm! I have actually accomplished almost all of what was on my things to do list, but I guess I thought I would get them all done much sooner and have many hours to relax and do what I want to do today. Not so much. But the good news is I will not be staying up until 3 or 4 AM to finish my action steps today! Woo hoo! So let's get cracking!

Action Step #1: My top 3 worries related to problem drinking, what I have done in this program to date, and what I will do over the remaining days of this program, to address them:

1. I worry about how drinking is affecting my health. Since starting the program, I haven't had to worry about this because I haven't been drinking, and my sleep has, in fact, already gotten better. Continuing to abstain or cut back on my drinking as I go along in this program will address this worry.
2. I worry that I won't be "cool" anymore, I won't be fun anymore,  I will be the person that everyone says "I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink" about, and I will never find a life partner. Okay, maybe that's a lot of things all together! But the first directly relate to why I think I will never get a partner. I have tried to remind myself that it doesn't matter what everyone thinks. I'm making an attempt to connect to other people who don't drink, virtually and in person, and reminding myself that I don't think they are not cool or not fun. I also have to remind myself that I am making all-or-nothing statements in thinking that everyone will not think I'm cool and think I'm no fun, everyone will make that statement about me, and that every single person is looking for a girl who parties every weekend. In fact, I bet there are people who have seen me drunk who think I am not cool and/or not fun, and I just don't know about it! I just have to keep saying those things to myself as I go through the program and work on surrounding myself with people who don't equate the fun in their lives to the amount of alcohol they consume!
3. I worry that I will be too shy and anxious to do anything socially, and I will not meet new people. Although I do have shy and introverted tendencies, I have to remind myself that I do interact with other humans sober on the daily, like when I am at the grocery store or work, so I am perfectly capable of talking to strangers without alcohol! I also made myself attend two social events in which I didn't know anyone last weekend to prove to myself that I can do new things with alcohol. Sure, I felt anxiety leading up to the events, and those first few minutes of locating the place, finding the people, and feeling foolish asking the wrong people sucked, but after about 5-10 minutes, I was fine. I also have to remind myself that I was even still nervous when I did have a few drinks before going out, so what's the point?

Action Step #2: My "tiny habit" of linking my 30-Day Vision Statement to an existing routine:

As in the example in the book, I am going to link saying my memorized 30-Day Vision Statement from Day 2, out loud when possible, every time I use the restroom. This is mostly because it said to pick something that I do at least 5 times a day! I couldn't think of anything else! I'm not even sure I do go to the restroom that many times a day! I guess we will find out. Strange how I had to go to the bathroom when I finished reading the chapter. So, I have officially taken the first step toward making this a mini-habit! :)

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30 Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 8

Okay, now the real Day 8. I can't say that I'm in the best of moods. It may be partially PMS. It may be partially that I have to "feel" and "think" and do things that I don't want to do when I would rather be doing other things.... and no, drinking is not one of them!

I honestly do not feel like drinking! That's just it. I'm not having a problem staying sober. So of course, I don't feel like I need to stay focused on this program because I feel like I've got this. I'm not worried about drinking, I'm worried about getting this damn program done! LOL

But alright, I am 100% committed, right? And I wrote last night after 3 AM (pretty much about nothing!) just because I made it a goal to do so. It kinda makes me wanna change that damn goal! It's not like I didn't do any work. I read the damn chapter. I took copious notes. I'm a slow reader for god's sake! So, it's not like I sat on my laurels and didn't do a damn thing. (God, can you sense my bitterness today?)

Alright, rant over. Action steps now.

What role has willpower played in quitting drinking?:
Willpower alone was definitely in play the first couple days. I didn't go to any kind of meeting. I didn't even tell a friend. I didn't read a book. I didn't start a program. That first day, I just knew I had to cut out drinking for a while or I would never know if it was causing my sleep issues, and I couldn't continue treating my sleep issues with alcohol. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I decided to stay sober longer and really examine my relationship with alcohol. I know I will need more than just willpower in the long run.

What is my “movie moment?”:
What would someone in the audience yell at me, or what would I yell at myself, watching me starring in a movie?... Why in the world do you think drinking is the best treatment for your sleeping problems? Why are you drinking so many drinks when you go out? Do you know you are about to blackout the next few hours of your night? What's the point of going out if you can't remember? That's what they would say, and that's what I am saying to myself now about my past.

How am I  going to avoid the negative impact of decision fatigue?:
Honestly, I should probably do the reading and action steps is in the morning. But I am soooo not a morning person, plus the slow reader thing, so it takes a while to get through. I wouldn't be able to get to work until the afternoon! I already don't start until 10:30 am. The earliest I get done with work is 6:30 pm, and my first priority is an hour walk after work, which is limited by the amount of daylight left in the day, and then I have to shower, and then I have to make dinner, and it's usually 9:30-10:00 pm by the time I get to eat it. Walking is doing a great job of replacing my drinking. And I did make it one of my goals to do this work by 4:00 am. I mean, that's way late! I don't know what else I can do.

Get out of the comparison trap:
I have thought that in the past that I am not as bad as others and... hey wait! We already did this same action step, just under the name confirmation bias on Day 5! I know, this book is repetitive for a reason, but we just did this 3 days ago! So, yes, I have compared myself to others to make myself think my problem isn't that bad. But now, I'm not doing that anymore.

And I'm done! Whew!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Dayyyyyyy.....

...I don't know. Day freaking 8. That's it. Day 8 out of 30. I'm feeling a bit deflated and exhausted. I don't even have the energy to put up an image for today's post. It's after 3 am, I just finished the reading, and I just cannot bring myself to doing the action steps. My brain, I swear, literally hurts. I don't want to half-ass it to get it done, and I am freaking overwhelmed and tired. It is intense. I feel like I should be able to do this at my own pace, but I am supposed to write in my journal every night regardless of how long I am taking to do this.

I think this is supposed to keep me busy instead of drinking as well. Trust that I have plenty of other things to do! I haven't been doing anything for months. I'm on a backlog here! That's why it's after 3 am because I had a million and one other things to do today!

And I've been sober for over 30 days now, and I don't have cravings. I'm not trying to get cocky, but I'm certainly not standing on the edge of the cliff waiting to dive off into a cocktail. Ironically with today's topic, I could be using sheer willpower still, and that won't last.  I know that. But I have to know my limitations. I'm not quitting the program because it's "too hard." I just can't do action items every day. Am I seriously supposed to get 4 hours of sleep a night to do this? I don't think so.

I'm tired. I'm PMSing. I just can't. I'm only writing because I made a goal that I would at least journal for 5 minutes every night, and I'm done. Action steps tomorrow. Peace...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30 Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 7

Oh my god, oh my god! I could not be happier to see that Day 7 is the Review Day and Bonus Solution! No actual action steps required! Whew! I was really starting to get bogged down and stressed out about doing all these action steps every day. But the truth is, I literally wrote in the companion site forum about having possibly half-assed my goals I wrote yesterday.

So I revisited those. As simple as they may be, I think those really are my goals right now... to get through the "30" days of the program and forgive and love myself. There will be more specific concrete goals later. I am one of those people that once I get going, I want to do a million things... An all-or-nothing person. And right now, it seems I am in an "all" stage. Not that I need to go back to "nothing," but I can keep it simple. As my mother always says, "you can't boil the ocean." It always makes me laugh. Who in the hell wants to boil the ocean? So that being said, I'm leaving those goals as is. Day 6 review, done.

Now, before I review the rest of the week, I decided to check out the bonus solution... the Social Solution. And alas, there are action steps, but they are not deep and emotionally charged like a number of the other ones. Here I need to write down what “I am Not Drinking” excuses are a good fit for me when I am in a social situation that includes alcohol. I had actually already thought about this because I had already been in such a social situation last weekend. Fortunately for me, I don't actually have to make up a small lie about it. I am taking a break because of my health issues and to lose weight, which will also help with my health issues. Who can argue with that? However, I was still nervous to tell people.

I, of course, practiced a whole big spiel, including many scenarios of reactions from my friends, before said social event. And I never even had to tell my story. No one asked! One person said, "Oh, you are being good! I should be too." That was it. I had certainly worked myself up over nothing. I felt like a complete narcissist thinking everyone would freak out over my beverage choice! It absolutely proved what was in the bonus reading, "The truth is no one cares nowhere near as much about your drinking as you think about your drinking."

And one last thing. I am due for a "congratulations!" I have officially been sober for 30 days straight as of late last night! It was difficult that first week, but really the last few have gone by without much of a struggle. And nope, I don't regret doing it. Does anyone? And I really don't have this urge to have a drink just because I made it. It's like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I do still have a goal to do at least 60 days, but I'm not sure when or even if I will drink again. This was intended to be a break, but now I am actually entertaining the idea that I might take an extended break or even stop forever. The very fact that I am considering quitting for good as an actual option illuminates the fact that I am truly being honest and realistic about what needs to happen to get me to where I want to be finally. Removing the booze seems to have released my rational brain back into the world.

Okay now, off to review the rest of the week's solutions now.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl