30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 30 & 60 Days Sober!

OMG. Here I am! I made it to the end! Well, as soon as I finish these action steps, I'll be done. And at 3:00 am, I will officially be 60 days sober! I should be celebrating, right? Don't get my wrong, I am proud of myself, but I have been in a depressed mood all day. I even cried a little. In fact, I haven't really been in a good mood all week. After thinking about it today, I think it is the fact that I really am about to achieve my goals of 60 days sober and finishing this program, and I'm actually scared. I'm scared of the idea of deciding never to drink again, and I'm scared to drink again. I don't want to fail either way. Does that make sense? After reading today's chapter, I have to make that choice... so here we go...

Action Step #1: Decide on your plan for the next 30 days regarding drinking:
Technically, now that I've finish my commitment of 60 days, I have said I will give myself permission to drink, but I have no plans to drink Day 61. And I don't have to drink! That's the point, right? I do know I will be out at bars for college football next weekend though, and it may be one of those moments when I want to "test the waters." I know they suggest waiting 6 months, but I don't think I am quite there yet. This was the plan going into this. I will definitely journal about my feelings, how much I drink, where, and with whom. I don't think the not drinking alone thing is very fair to someone like me who is single. But I get it, and I will do my best to avoid that. I definitely have no intention of drinking how much I used to. I plan to have club sodas and lime in between drinks (that is if there are even multiple ones) in case that habit of continually sipping something kicks in. I won't be doing shots and I will be hanging out with people who are aware of and respect that I am cutting back. I will check myself for cravings. I have decided that no matter what, I will do 30 days sober every January no matter what. I will honestly ask myself if I am moving closer to my old behavior and if I am moving closer or father  from the person I want to be on a weekly basis.

Action Step #2: Write down how and where you want to give back over the next 6 months:
I already volunteer for an annual city-wide event, which I will continue to do. I have in the past volunteered for the annual city festival too, which is coming up, so I will make sure I will do that as well. I will be signing up for an 8-week program that puts me with a team to do weekly projects in various areas of the metro. This will be a great way to meet new people and discover different volunteer opportunities to find what I feel passionate about. Once I go through the program, I will sign up for new opportunities.

Action Step #3: Design my new "Happy Hour:"
I sort of already have a daily ritual. I have been walking and listening to and memoirs self-help audiobooks at least 6 days a week. I have not been so good doing a lot of the continuing action steps lately. I want to get back to practicing gratitude, and I want to do the Deepak & Oprah meditation programs I purchase a few years ago that I have yet to successfully get through, starting with "Desire and Destiny." Yes, I have had this for years, and it literally says "Discover your purpose, follow your passion, and become the person you were born to be." As much as I struggled with this yesterday, I think calming my crazy brain and working on the questions they provide each day is what I need!

Action Step #4: Review my "before me" and before photo, keep journaling, and take a moment to acknowledge how far you have come in this program:
I definitely plan to keep journaling. It may be more in my actual physical journal than here, but I know for a fact that journaling is a valuable tool for mental health too. Um, I don't think I took a before picture, but I know I've lost weight, but I've been working on that in earnest too, so it's not just from not drinking. I could have definitely switched out alcohol for food! I feel better and look better in some ways, but unfortunately, my face is breaking out more, I still have some sort of allergic reaction going on on my face, and my digestive system is still not quite right. So that's kind of a bummer! But I know realistically going back to how I was drinking would not help any of that! I read my "before me" and that reinforces that. And hey, now... I did it! I am officially finished! And in less than 30 minutes, my 60 days is official. I have to say, that since I walked this afternoon, thought about why I was feeling down, and finished this just now, I am feeling a lot better.


Now that I am finished, will I be signing off "until tomorrow?" I can't promise that I will blog every day, but I plan to keep this up. I will also continue to try to pop into the companion site, and as I read and listen to other helpful books or find other resources, I will share them here. Thanks for following, and I hope that it has helped others on this program.


Until next time...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 29, Part 2

Ugh. I'm still really wanting to put this off, so let's just get right down to it so I don't put it off any longer! I'm just going to go through these questions, and write whatever comes out of my head.

Action Step #1: Write a life purpose statement using the 4-step Life Purpose Exercise:

1. My Passion: 

• What excites you? Nothing. (Here in lies my biggest problem.)
• What are you passionate about? Nothing. (Here, my problem continues.)
• Think about your happiest memories from childhood to now. I always think about being in show choir in high school. I loved it so much. And placing in our first national competition. But that was almost 25 years ago. I also think about the time I was in LA to shoot a commercial. It was such a great time. But I was drunk almost every night celebrating being there. I know I have had may memories, but most of them seem to involve alcohol. But the question did not say that it had to be sober memories.
• What was it that made you feel most alive? I don't know.
• What emotions did experience? Pure happiness. Pride. A sense of accomplishment.
• Did you feel joy, happiness, fulfillment, freedom, love, or an authentic connection? I felt joy, happiness, fulfillment, pride.
• Who was there? Well, in high school, all my high school friends were there, and  lot of our parents, and a bunch of people we didn't know! At the commercial shoot, I didn't know a soul. They were all new people, but all of us "talent" in the commercial became fast friends. 
• What are you doing when you lose all sense of time? I feel like I lose sense of time all the time, but I'm usually on my computer or watching TV, or playing games on my phone. I do tend to lose time when I am on vacation doing touristy things. I always think I have more time, and it takes forever to see everything and I then don't get to see everything I wanted!
• If money wasn't an issue, what would you do? NOT WORK! lol I'm not sure. I guess if I had a bunch of money, I'd go spend it! I'd get a new car, a new house, new clothes, some cosmetic surgery, and the go on a bunch of international trips. There we go, that's what I would do.
• What are your biggest accomplishments? Already mentioned, because they are the happiest moments of my life. Placing in the national competition in high school show choir and getting on a commercial a few years ago after losing a bunch of weight.
• What made them significant? Winning. Getting chosen. Feeling accomplished. 
• Was it how the accomplishment made you feel, the differences you made, or the challenges you had to overcome? How it made me feel. But as for the commercial, i was also proud of the challenges I had overcome to lose the weight.
• Have you had to overcome specific challenges and through that process realized you can help others do the same? Yes. For a while I blogged about my weight loss journey, and I liked being an inspiration and giving people hope and advice.

Now, look for common threads such as emotions, people or experiences, and determine your passion. I am clearly selfish. I want to feel accomplished. I want to perform. I want people to look to me for winning and my acheivements. Ugh, right now I do not like myself.

2. My Talents and Strengths:

• What are you good at? Well, the problem is I don't think I'm really that good at anything. I always say I am a "jack of all trades and master of none." I can do a lot of things, I'm not not all necessarily talented at them in my mind. 
• What would others say you are good at? I mentioned yesterday that I reached out to a couple of people via text. The 3 people I figured would respond did so. Two of which are my parents, and i think they are biased. The others have not responded, and of course I am feeling hurt. Like maybe they can't think of anything I am talented at either, or maybe they just don't like me anymore. Jesus, I am so down on myself. So here are the things I'm supposedly good at:
• I'm creative and have an eye for design
• I'm good at organizing events
• I am disciplined once I set my mind to something (I think I may have someone fooled! But hey, I have been disciplined lately not drinking and committing to this program!)
• I'm generous
• I'm loyal
• I think before I act
• I am always seeking answers
• I am able to analyze other's intentions, needs, actions, etc
• I give people the benefit of the doubt
• I am kind
• I am loving
• I am thoughtful
• I am smart
• I sing like an angel
• How do your strengths and talents relate to your passions? Well the creative part and the singing part relate to performing. The event planning relates to my wanting to feel accomplished.
• Do you believe you have a specific talent or strength that you haven't taken the time to develop? Yes, like everything. All these things that I can do, but I'm not that great at. But I feel like I don't have a true passion for them because I don't have the drive to pursue them full on.
• Thinking about your happiest moments again, what strengths or talents were you using to create them? Being disciplined, singing, and being creative, perhaps.
• Write down at least 3 top strengths before moving forward:
• creativness
• event planning
• Okay wait, I thought of one that I can't believe my parents or my friend didn't say! Everyone always says I am so funny! So my sense of humor.

3. Your Legacy

• What lasting difference or contribution would you like to make in your life? I have no idea. (More of my problems.)
• What are you doing to create that today? Clearly nothing, since I don't know.
• Are you making a difference in your current job? Sort of, but not directly. Some of the things I do help create continuous improvement initiatives at the college I work at, which in turn creates an environment that allows students to graduate, which for many is a huge dream.
• Are you making a difference in other ways? I used to participate in a monthly charitable event. I used to donate money on a monthly basis, but don't now. I donate money to causes when asked t the grocery store here and there. I participate in an annual volunteer event.
• Is there a way you can do more of that? I can start donating money again instead of spending it on me. I can get involved in the monthly charitable event again. I have looked into doing a volunteer series and doing some monthly hours at a local community center (so I guess I'm not totally selfish after all.)

4.Your Life Purpose (a two sentence statement based on steps 1-3):

Using my creativity, event planning skills, and sense of humor, I bring joy to the world.

That's all I've got. It's a first draft. Clearly, there is more work to be done on figuring out my passion and purpose. Now, Christ, this is the longest amount of work! That was all just for action step #1!

Action Step #2: Get clear about what you want by visualizing your ideal life in the areas of the "Vision Compass:"

Work and Career: My ideal job would be running a successful blog that paid well, and doing extra work in the movie and television industry as well as commercial gigs. I am a freelance worker, so I work from home. I determine my own hours, and I am my own boss, except of course when I am doing extra work. Someone else is running the show there! I am able to use my creativity and sense of humor. I feel creative, successful, happy, carefree, and accomplished. Managing all this is easy and I am energized now that I am clear-headed.

Finances: My annual income is over $200,000. There is plenty of money in savings, and I am investing in various areas. My net worth is is $500,000. I save so much money now that I am not throwing it away on booze and bars. My ideal home is a townhouse (so I don't have to take care of a yard!) that is modern and brand new in the city. I have been able to decorate it to my exact liking. My artwork is one of a kind that I have picked up at various shows and festivals. I drive a Lexus convertible. I have a large walk in closet with tons of shoes and clothes. I am able to buy new shoes and clothes every month from whatever store I want. Money is no object!

Free Time and Recreation: I go on many international vacations, including to Italy, France, Spain, Germany... just freaking everywhere I have never been! I take weekend road trips to Chattanooga, Asheville, Charleston, and more. Closer to home, I go to musical theater, the opera, museums, art galleries, sporting events, fundraisers/benefits, and all the many restaurants. I am able to have a few drinks here and there, but I have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude when it comes to alcohol. Oh and I do a bunch of things that I already wrote down on Day 26.

Health and Fitness: I am happy and full of energy and vitality. I am flexible and strong. I drink at least 80 fluid ounces of water every day. I run again, participating in the occasional 5K. I go to dance class. I at least try new ways of being active. I only eat until I am truly full and enjoy every bite. I am at my ideal healthy weight. My blood work is perfect. My blood pressure is normal. My body is functioning at its optimum level and is disease-free.

Relationships: I have made many new friends that I can do a variety of things with. These friends are low maintenance and drama-free! I have met and fallen in love with my soulmate.

Personal Goals: I attend personal growth workshops. I work on fine tuning my passion and purpose and aligning my life with that. I am learning new languages. I have learned to play piano again. I am trying new things and enjoying old things that I had stopped doing for a long time. It is easier to accomplish these goals with a clear head.

Contributions to the Larger Community: My community is supportive and mindful. I am surrounded by peaceful, interesting and fun people. I do various volunteer work throughout the community that help me feel needed and helps those who need assistance. I also volunteer in the arts.

I know I should have gone into more detail, but that's 7 freaking things. And I am all over the top about my financial situation.  Who the hell makes that much money blogging and being a movie extra? I know, I'm not supposed to worry about the how, but I was supposed to be super detailed. Back to my issues in step #1, I don't really know what I want or what my passion and purpose is, so how in the hell am I going to be that detailed? 

So an hour in, and I am now in Step #3.

Action Step #3: Write a vision statement that sums up each of the areas. Write them as an affirmation. Include your core values from Day 10. Include strengths, talents, etc.

Honestly, what I wrote for work and career and finances is over the top. This seems stupid. So I'm going to bring it down to reality and be vague BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY FREAKING KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT AND WHAT I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT AND THIS IS PISSING ME OFF AND MAKING ME SAD AT THE SAME TIME. I don't feel like effing little unrealistic little happiness affirmations are going to help. And this is way too much work for one day for me. I feel like working on my passion and purpose is an entire book of at least 30 days on its alone. So I'm going to find a book about passion. Meanwhile, here are my half-assed stupid statements because I said I was going to be 100% committed. I didn't say I was committed to doing it 100% perfectly. I committed to 30 days sober and finishing the program. That's it. So let's do this...

Work and Career: I use my creativity and sense of humor in a job I love.

Finances: I make lots of money because I am a good person and money grows on trees.

Free Time and Recreation: I do a lot of things to enrich my life and others' lives.

Health and Fitness: I am healthy, and skinny, and clear headed.

Relationships: I have great friends and I am married to my soulmate.

Personal Goals: I work on my passion and purpose daily to better myself and keep my mind working.

Contributions to the Larger Community: I do various volunteer work throughout the community that help me feel needed and helps those who need assistance. 

Yeah, I didn't use any core values. I didn't use strengths because, gee, after an hour, I am still not confident about what those are!!! Imagine that! Let's just get on with this.

Step #4: Write down your "why" (what drives you to keep going in life in spite of obstacles):

I don't know. I'm stubborn. It's the only life I have and the only thing I know. I don't know when it is going to end, and I want to enjoy it, not suffer as I had been. I am a good person, and I care about people and the world, and want to honor that. My parents. I don't know what they would do without me.

Oh thank god. I am freaking done. I am having a total aversion to this. I feel like I should have this all figured out. I don't. And it's not going to happen in one freaking day. Make that two, since I started this chapter yesterday. I need this broken down in chunks. Seven different areas of my life, all in one day?!? I'm over it.

Until tomorrow (peace out)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 29, Part 1

Geez, I am struggling to want to do today's action steps or any of the (what seems like thousands of!) ongoing steps I should be doing daily. I managed to get the chapter read. It took me a damn hour. I'm so close to finishing the program, yet I'm still supposed to continue doing at least 15 of these steps on the daily? talk about feeling overwhelmed. And doing these life purpose type things, like today's action steps, scares the crap out of me because I, honest to god, don't know what the hell my purpose is and I don't know what I want. I don't know if what I want is for selfish intentions such as attention or because I think that's what my family or the world at large expect me to do. And just tonight, I was watching another freaking show on the Laci Peterson murder (yes, I know, I am not supposed to be taking in that negativity, but damn it if these types of shows don't fascinate me!), and I thought to myself, what was Laci's life purpose? She was freaking murdered so young and with her unborn child. Did she really have to die for the rest of the world to learn some sort of lesson? What about anyone whose life is needlessly cut short by disease or just plain evil? This is where I get stuck in the whole everyone is born with a purpose thing. Several of my drunken journal entries over the years have pondered these thoughts, wondering why there are people who are desperate to live and do good for the world, when I just sit here like a bump on a log with nothing I'm passionate about, no burning desire to start and take care of a family or heal the world. Surely I am not here to be take care of my cat? I'm not even really that good at that. So here I haw and hem and struggle. Looks like today is going to be another two-parter.

I did make an effort. As part of action step #1, it was suggested that I ask friends and family what my what they think I am good at and what my unique talents are over the next few weeks. Well, I shot off a few text messages, and unsurprisingly, I heard back form the three people I knew would respond fairly quickly. My mom, my dad, and my good friend who is really into self-actualization type stuff. So at least I start. At least I read the chapter. And I've been thinking about the questions in the action steps in my head. At least it's a start. But of course, today got away from me, and I just couldn't wrap my head around this tonight. It's an important one, and there are several items to consider under the 4 action steps. So, yeah... I'll try tomorrow.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 27 & Day 28

So today should have been my last day of the program. Whoopsies. Instead, I sort of went off the grid there for a few days. The truth is that I had plans right after work on Friday, and I didn't get home until after midnight. I did actually read the chapter for Day 27 when I got home, but I was falling asleep while reading it. So technically at least I did something on Friday. When I saw there were 5 action steps though, I decided that since Day 28 was a review day, I could just do the 2 days together on Saturday. And that's whoopsies #2. I again had social plans and some errands to do, so time got away from me, and again I didn't get home until late. I was exhausted and just couldn't commit my brain to doing any action steps. On to whoopsies #3. Sunday. I just plain old, flat out did not feel like doing it. So Saturday and Sunday, I didn't do any work on this. I didn't read my Total Sobriety Solution, didn't do any breathing exercises, didn't wake up and list what I am grateful for, etc, etc... I did nothing. And you know what? For part of Sunday and today, I was a little blue. Perhaps because I didn't do all the positive things I'm supposed to be doing? Perhaps. Also, Day 26, The Love and Relationship Solution, just doesn't seem to really apply much to me. You'll see in my action steps. But here I am, making myself do them...

Action Step #1: Write down all the negative impacts drinking had on my relationships:
The only things I can think of is that I was doing less social things because it was cheaper to drink alone, and in the few short romantic relationships I was in, I just know that we both drank heavily, and it was an issue. My romantic partner did not, however, see it as an issue. Because I do not have a family of my own, I don't live with my parents, I have a small circle of friends, and I live alone, I really made it easy to not affect my relationships so much. There were no promises to anyone that I didn't keep. I know in my 20's and 30's, there were a few things that might have hurt my friends, but I am no longer friends with those people, because they drank just as much, and hurt me as well.

Action Step #2: Listen to the Merge Meditation:
Yeah, I couldn't even get through that. Just like the exploding head one (or whatever it was called) and visualization in general. I am horrible at it. I don't know what the drunk me looks and with all my senses (seriously, what does drunk me taste like?!? LOL). I can't seem to visualize anything crystal clear. It's all very vague. I guess this is just one of those solutions that is just not going to be in the set I keep up.

Action Step #3: Create a list of relationships I need to clean up:
As I stated in action step #1, I don't think there are any relationships I need to clean up. In fact, there was one friend I hurt in my 20's that I went to great lengths to apologize to, and the others have been out of my life for over 10 years. The person I was and how I behaved back then is different from now anyway. I still have to say I forgive myself in the mirror each day when I do remember something stupid I did that hurt a friend, so the only person I need to keep working on cleaning up a relationship, is with myself. I am lucky that I did not have a spouse and children to hurt.

Action Step #4: Write down my broken agreements:
I have never agreed to someone that I was going to cut back or quit in the past and not done it. The only thing that I have agreed to many times is making social plans, and then backing out because I just did't want to, would rather drink by myself at home, or was too hungover. I can't pinpoint all the times, the specific event, and to whom I backed out on. And the truth is, I still back out of social engagements when I am sober, just not as often. That's a part of me trying to do the social things I think I should do, and then realizing I don't have the desire and I don't want to deal with the social anxiety.

Action Step #5: Make a list of everyone I spend time with and then rank those relationships:
Because this blog is anonymous, I don't want to write out the actual names of my friends. I have honestly stopped hanging out with my party friends a while ago because I gained a lot of weight back and didn't feel good about going out with them anymore. My circle of friends has gotten very small, and only two of them go out drinking every weekend, yet they don't pressure me to drink. In fact, I went out with them to dinner finally on Friday, and they had less than 2 drinks and went home when I did. All of the few other friends that I have have do not drink nearly as much as me, so I am trying to hang out with them more! I don't hang out with my parents or any other family members because they don't live here. I actually want to make more friends, but what is different is that I want to make friends that don't like to drink a lot, whereas before I think in my head I wanted more friends that drink more than me so I didn't look so bad and I had an excuse to drink excessively!


Now technically I need to do Day 28 as well, and it's a review day! Yay. Oh dang. I guess I actually should review. So I am going to go back through the companion site... at some point, but it's getting late tonight. But not so fast, I did promise on Day 26 that I would listen to the "Rediscovering Your Joy" guided process on review day. And here we are. It's funny because I already thought about this topic today, as I've been listening to Rachel Hart's "Take a Break from Drinking" podcast during my walks, and in Episode 25 Creating vs. Consuming Fun, and she asked listeners to think about a time when you were not drinking where you created your fun. I can think of times I tried to put together a community play of "Annie" (but only ever deciding on who would play what part and never getting much further than listening to the record of the cast recording), or making up lip sync routines, or designing buttons and gizmos out of paper, cups, and crayons to tape to the side of the picnic table to turn it into our spaceship, or playing waitress (because this was my dream job as a child), or riding bikes, or playing on the slip 'n' slide. All things that sound great to kids. None of it seems quite as exciting as an adult. (Okay, maybe the slip 'n' slide.) I know I can create my own joy, but it's not exactly the same as the last time I didn't drink. I was under the age of 18. Now I'm in my 40's. I get it, I get it. It's just not an exact correlation. I think to myself, yes, I do like creative things, and yes, I enjoy going to the museum without a drink, but is it the most fun and exciting? No. What was more fun was going out for drinks afterward. So yeah, I'm still struggling with this.


Until tomorrow (hopefully for real this time... haha)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 26

Very nice to see another more fun action step for the day. Interesting that I was just thinking of things I wanted to do earlier today on my walk. The trouble is sometimes I "get in over my head" involving myself in too many things all at once and get overwhelmed. There are a lot of things I want to try or do, but I will have to make sure to space it out, yet make sure that I'm not doing any of them at all! So on to develop that Positive Addiction solution...

Action Step #1: Start exercising:
Once again, I am ahead of the game! Woo hoo! It is going on my 7th week of walking at least 6 days a week at least 3 miles, save maybe a few days I did 2.5 miles. I want to start varying what I am doing because when it starts getting darker and colder, I won't be as motivated to get outside. I used to go to this dance class that I really liked, and I just haven't gone back, so I think it's about time I add that in.

Action Step #2.a.: Review the 101 new activities list and write down all (and any others) that interest me:
This one also ties in with a concept from the Naturally Slim program (that I talked about yesterday) as well. One of the principles states that we have to get our vital needs met or we will turn to food, or in many people's cases, alcohol as well. We chose 7 from a list that are important to us. Mine are personal time, sleep, time alone, financial security, learning something new, having a project, and humor. I can definitely make sure some of these are met by participating in many of these activities. Here's what I would like to try:

• Practice smiling.
• Learn how to read music again.
• Learn how to play the piano again.
• Learn how to play the guitar.
• Take dance classes.
• Research places to travel.
• Watch funny videos, standup, movies, on YouTube, Netflix, etc.
• Take a class online or locally or both.
• Explore more area parks.
• Become active in Dining for Women again, or even start your own chapter.
• Find other groups to be a part of.
• Maybe take a yoga class. I keep saying I a can't stand it, but I've barely tried, and everyone talks about how good it is for mind-body connection and recovery.
• Spend more time with inspiring and positive friends.
• Continue redecorating my home.
• Actually go to some meetups besides just the one you have gone to.
• Do a random act of kindness without expecting a thank you or recognition.
• Take an improve class. Maybe. It kind of scares the crap out of me, but people always say I should do it cause "you're so funny!"
• Create a collage of Natasha, my cat that pass away last year. I've been meaning to do that.
• Go to musicals and/or operas.
• Go to museums, art galleries, the zoo, or the botanical gardens.
• Plan and go on a weekend road trip.
• Attend a Falcons game.
• Join or start a book club.
• Reach out to a friend from my past to reconnect... not sure who though.
• Find free speaking events in my area.
• Join Toastmasters. Again, it scares me, but maybe it would be challenging.
• Take singing lessons again.
• Join the Sweet Adelaides chorus.
• Attend a recovery program meeting. Not sure I really want to. But I've thought about it sometimes.
• Take a cooking class.
• Finally finish (or really start!) my vision board.
• Go to a comedy club.
• Do artistic things: Do your painting project. Try to do acrylic pouring. Maybe take an art class. Do more adult coloring books.
• Randomly stop what I'm doing and do 10 jumping jacks, pushups, situps, planks, etc.
• Take tennis lessons to see if you might like it.
• Consider joining a kickball league. But maybe not. I'm not certain I am actually good at that.
• Get involved with a non-profit. 
• Sign up for a seminar or conference.
• Try knitting again.
• Take a self defense class.
• Take a tai chi class.
• Consider taking tennis lessons.
• Sell some stuff to start one of these things that cost money!
• Hire a life coach or career coach.
• Figure out what your passion is.
• Figure out what job you really want.
• Try a new aerobics class or get a new aerobics DVD.
• Try photography again.
• Learn how to make a font.
• Make jewelry, like that fused glass stuff.
• Get your Master's degree. Maybe.
• Take a friend out to dinner.
• Brainstorm other sobriety rewards for future goals.
• Sign up for 5K's again.
• Clean your car. PLEASE CLEAN YOUR CAR! LOL
• Write a thank you letter to someone who has had a positive impact on your life.
• Buy new clothes.
• Learn to speak Spanish. And I want to learn Italian too. I should really relearn French too since I already did that in high school. Maybe that's all too much. LOL
• Write down what you would tell a tourist to see here and do it yourself.
• Learn to play chess.
• Play on your Wii again!
• Go to the lake. You have never been to the lake in the over 17 years you have lived here!
• Do karaoke again.
• Try to be an extra in the movies filmed here.
• Audition for a musical.

And here's what I have already started doing:

• Walk outside.
• Listening to audiobooks when I walk.
• Listen to audiobooks and or read memoirs of people in recovery.
• Listen to audiobooks and or read memoirs of funny people (comedians, etc).
• Started a blog on a topic I am interested in. (This one.)
• I will be pampering myself at a spa as a reward when I am 60 days sober on August 25th!
• I have been checking out Groupon, ScoutMob, and Goldstar for things to do! (I just need to actually do more of them!)
• I allow myself to be silly. That is no problem!
• I just took a friend out to coffee that I haven't seen in a long time.

Action Step #2.b.: Pick one activity and do something right now to get started:
So I actually went and looked for spa services I could chose from on Groupon for my 60 days reward. I also looked up Laughter Yoga (mentioned in the book). Not sure about that. And I started a Pinterest board of "Things To Do."

Action Step #2.c: Make a recurring appointment to remind me to add new activities to my life:
I set up a reminder in my google calendar once a month to come look at this post and take some action on some new activities.

Action Step #3: Listen to the "Rediscovering Your Joy" guided meditation on the companion site:
100% honesty here. I didn't do it. Today has entirely gotten away from me. It's about to be 3:00 am, and I need to go to bed! I promise to do it on the Review Day Solution, which should be coming up soon, right?

ON A SIDE NOTE... I just had a breakdown because I thought I had completely deleted this entire entry after working on it for over an hour and it being so late! I am tired, and at first couldn't figure out what I had done. I was so far from discovering any joy at that point! My poor brain needs some serious down time after that freak out!

Action Step #4: Set relaxation and entertainment goals:
When I am consciously setting goals or deciding whether or not to do something, I will ask myself "what is the outcome I want from this activity?" Whatever it is, as long as it is positive, gives me that internal permission to go for it!


Until tomorrow (AND GOOD NIGHT!)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 25

Well, I am ahead of the game on today's Mind and Body solution! My company and my health insurance have partnered to pay for a program called Naturally Slim for those that qualify, which I did. The program started on May 1st, so I had already started on changing my eating habits well before I decided to quit drinking. Yes, I was even losing weight when I was drinking excessively, and surprisingly my weight loss slowed down when I stopped drinking. I was a bit disappointed, but I suppose I ended up replacing alcohol with more food. I am still losing weight though, and I am down 35 lbs! I'll elaborate more on the program as I work thorough the action steps.

Action Step #1: Drink lots of water:
Yay! I have already been doing this! I actually drink "orange water." Seven parts water to one part orange juice not-from-concentrate. The goal is 60 fl oz a day, which is a bit less than suggested in the book for my current weight, especially if I calculate in exercise. I do drink sparkling water in the evenings in addition, but I haven't kept track of how much extra that is, so I will try to aim for 80 fl oz a day.

Action Step #2: Keep a food journal:
Yay! I have already been doing this too! This is part of the Naturally Slim program for the very same reasons... awareness. And if things aren't going well, you can go back and take a look at what you have been eating. I use the Naturally Slim app for the program, but in the past I have used MyFitnessPal which is free!

Action Step #3: Make small changes to your diet:
Well, I have made lots of changes due to Naturally Slim already. One of the principles is to try to avoid sugar. I had actually cut out sugar easily in the beginning. Here and there I would have cravings. Even when I stopped drinking. But then I decided that one of my rewards for staying sober would be a special dessert once a week. I now find I am craving sugar more! It's crazy! I am still following the principles of the Naturally Slim program, so that is is what I will continue to do.


Strangely, after losing 35 pounds and being over 50 days sober, I have recently been dealing with new issues... an unexplained allergic reaction, acne, and digestive programs. Everything I read keeps saying how when you quit drinking your skin, digestion... everything heath-wise!... gets better as early as a few weeks! Well, not for me. At least not yet. I know logically I am actually healthier, but it's been frustrating. One thing I realized is that I felt like crap a lot when I was drinking excessively, but almost always chalked it up to that. Now that I'm not drinking, I am paying attention, perhaps I'm even being a bit hypersensitive to my body, and asking what is causing these things now that I'm not drinking? Maybe it's just a lot of changes for my body over the last few months, and it is still adjusting. I'm not saying that going back to excessive drinking is the answer. I just think that every body reacts differently. So, if you're not feeling 100% amazing by day 25, don't feel alone. I do feel better (with 50 days in a row without a hangover alone!), but I am not yet feeling this 100% amazing in the health department like I read I should be, and I'm trying not to let that get me down. It will come with time.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 24

Bear with me here. I'm all hopped up on Benedryl! Feeling a bit loopy and drowsy here! I'm having some sort of allergic reaction, so I took the day off of work to rest. I'm having a hard time even doing this, so trying to be productive at work would be just a waste of my energy... or what I have left of it!

Today's solution is about meditation, another topic I have already made a foray into. First, I've had therapists ask me to try it over the years. I also still have chapter 45 dog-earred in Eat Pray Love about chosing a new simple sanskrit mantra, "Ham-sa," which means "I am That," and how she finally had a breakthrough in her meditation experience. I know, by now, may people think this book is cheesy and clique, but for someone who rarely every finishes a book, I finished this one. So that means something! I took on this mantra when I would try to meditate combat my crazy thoughts and anxiety when I was trying to go to sleep. I still use it sometimes to this day, but I am not very regular about doing it at all. In addition, after a very traumatic break up in early 2014, I tried to do a free Oprah & Deepak's 21-Day Meditation Experience. I never got through the whole thing, but when they had a sale on a bundle, I ended up purchasing several of their 21-day experiences, including Creating Abundance, Miraculous Relationships, Free to Love, and Desire and Destiny, thinking if I bought them, I would do them and I could do them on my time instead of the limited time of the free version. Wrong. I have bet to finish any of them! I even bought more when I started having sleep problems (7 Days to Restful Sleep and 7 Days to Relieve Stress and Anxiety). I haven't even finished the 7 days ones! I do often use the meditation that is to be used before bed on day one of 7 Days to Restful Sleep, and sometimes it helps. I was even thinking that after I finish this program, I should really commit to doing those meditations. Well, I guess I was right. :)  But for now, on to today's action steps!

Action Step #1: Practice breathing:
I did this as I was reading the chapter. This kind of breathing exercise is also familiar to me. In my early days of therapy, many many moons ago, my therapist taught me to breath this way when I was feeling anxiety or panic. I also use it to calm myself down when I am trying to fall asleep.

Action Step #2: Listen to the guided meditation and start meditating 10 minutes or more a day:
So right as I am getting ready to do this, the landscaping crew comes right by my house with their loud weed whackers and leaf blowers. haha And this whole drowsiness thing did not help! I kept dozing off and jerking myself back awake. Once I'm off this Benedryl, I will make a better effort to do meditation.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 23

So I read the chapter earlier today, and then I almost forgot to journal and do my action steps! I think it's another one I kind of don't want to do, so I may have avoided it for a while. So let's make myself get on with it!

There was one part of the chapter that didn't end up being an action step. It said "before going any further," but clearly I read the whole rest of the chapter before doing it. I'm supposed to take the time to write down any self-imposed or unconsciously adopted standards that might be holding me back right now, and then rewrite them so it is easier to "win." So sadly the standards I often hold me to are just like the examples in the book:

OLD STANDARD: I am not accomplished if I don't get everything done on my list each day.
NEW STANDARD: The only way I can fail is if I don't try to do what is on my list at all.

OLD STANDARD: I have to do everything perfectly.
NEW STANDARD: Not one single person is perfect, and I do enough to get through life while having a balance of work and play, which is more important that trying to attain an unachievable ideal.

OLD STANDARD: I need to make everyone happy and everyone should like me.
NEW STANDARD: I need to take care of myself and as long as I try my best to treat everyone kindly and I am my authentic self, it is not important if other people like me.

Okay, now on to the official steps...

Action Step #1: Practice the "Mental Makeover" when you experience negative emotions:
Well, I'm not having negative emotions at the moment. Well, maybe except not feeling like doing this! haha So let me pick something that happens commonly. I get annoyed with people who don't GOOOOOO!!! when I am driving, like I'm always in a hurry, when in some cases I'm really not.

AWARENESS: I always notice when I start yelling at other drivers because I'm not naturally a "yeller." Maybe it is because when I am in a hurry, it's usually because I am running late, and I am actually irritated at myself! I feel tense and stressed and irrationally bent out of shape sometimes.
ACCEPTANCE: Okay, so I get to go ahead and feel the emotion. I will do that next time I am in the car.
ANALYZING: What triggered it? Well, see AWARENESS.... I'm always running late so I feel like I need to get everywhere fast. I'm supposed to see if the drinking triggers relate to this, but they don't. I guess I was supposed to use a drinking trigger? To be honestly, now I haven't had a drinking trigger happen to me in a while now, so I just can't seem to associate with that. So on with the slow people driving scenario...
ASSIGNING: Ohh, I see. This is where I was supposed to list the standards that might be holding me back. Well, if I am running late, I am mad at myself because I am not perfect and I am trying to make someone else happy by being on time.

Action Step #2: Pick a behavior/situation that upsets you, and practice the process of "The Work":
So, let's just use the same situation: Someone who is driving slowly is annoying.

1. IS IT TRUE?: I'm not absolutely sure that that person is actually annoying, but yes, the fact that they are driving slow is annoying when you are trying to get somewhere.
2. CAN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW IT'S TRUE?: No, because it may be in their best interest to drive slow. Perhaps they are not comfortable driving fast. Perhaps it is actually not safe to drive fast.
3. HOW DO YOU REACT WHEN YOU BELIEVE THIS?: I get angry, stressed, frustrated, and sometimes irrational.
4. WHO WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT THAT THOUGHT? I would be calm and happy.
5. TURNAROUNDS:
     1. TURN THE THOUGHT TO YOURSELF: I am annoying when I drive slow.
     2. TURN THE THOUGHT AROUND TO THE OTHER: I'm really not sure how to turn this one around because I am already saying they are annoying when they drive slow.
     3. TURN THE THOUGHT AROUND TO THE OPPOSITE: People who drive slowly are delightful.

So there you have it. I have gotten emotionally sober about slow drivers. LOL I'm going to have to come back around to these processes the next time I have a "real" negative thought that is affecting my ability to thrive in sobriety. I suppose being angry at slow drivers does negatively impact my life in a small way, so I will actually try to think about these things the next time this happens in the car, but I am sure there are bigger fish to fry in the area! I just feel too positive at the moment to get deep into my negativity, and hey, isn't that a good thing?


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 22

Alrighty, here I am starting on Phase IV: Cultivating Courage and Positive Relationships to Thrive in Mind, Body, and Spirit. Today is The Courage Solution. So let's get down to it, shall we?

Action Step #1: Write about past attempts to cut back or quit drinking, specifically what you did and what you learned each time:

I have never made an attempt to stay sober in which I intended to never drink again. In fact, even this time, my intention is to cut back, not quit completely. I have however had weekly attempts to cut back, by trying to only drink on the weekends, over the past several years. Some weeks I managed to do so, but progressively, more and more weeks I failed. I would vow not to keep drinking on Sunday after blowing it out on Friday and Saturday night, but I would come up with any number of reasons to drink "just one more night" and that would often stray into the weekdays. I would end up hating myself for it, and then do it again and again. I know that my past attempts didn't work because I didn't do any kind of personal growth work. I was "white knuckling" it during the week, when I was successful, but I didn't do anything to control it on the weekends, and I wasn't attempting to do anything differently or ask why I was doing it. I created such a successful habit of drink every Friday and Saturday night that when I first quit back in June, just the mere fact that it was the weekend and I was not drinking seemed tortuous! I learned that it can truly be a habitual as well.

Action Step #2: Write a list of "drinking" fears you have not addressed and how you will specifically be able to overcome these fears:

What would I do if I wasn't afraid?
FEAR: Up until know, I have been afraid of dating sober.
What benefit have I been getting from letting this fear stop me?
BENEFIT: The benefit is that I feel my anxiety and shyness fade away.
What would I do if I had no fear?
OVERCOMING: I am excited to actually be myself and be confident and calm. In fact, I am less likely to say something I regret and I will remember the entire date!
What would I feel and experience if I took that action?
FEELINGS: Going on a date sober would allow me to be fully present and feel like I am capable of doing anything sober!

Action Step #3: Think back to the times you have turned down offers, invitations, and opportunities and determine if they are related to drinking or are automatic responses to avoid change. Consider new opportunities that come up and just say yes! Notice how that feels and if irrational fear is driving your decisions:

I have backed out of a ton of social situations over the years. Mostly I didn't feel like being around other people or having to try to meet new people or I didn't feel like putting in the effort. The majority of them were drinking events, so it's not as if I thought it would put a damper on my drinking efforts. I just think I didn't want to have to face fear, I didn't want to deal with my anxiety, and I could drink just as easily, and for cheaper, at home! I honestly feel like I am single, I don't have a career that I am passionate about, and I am overweight because I have chosen to drink instead of trying hard, feeling fear, and pursue figuring any of that out. Not to say I haven't changed jobs, or dated anyone, or successfully lost weight over the past 20 years. I have done many of those things, but I still feel stuck in the same place, and I think my dependence on alcohol can take on much of the blame.

Now, I can't exactly conger up an opportunity to say yes to this very moment, but ever since I decided to quit for a while, I have been making myself do things that I would normally have turned down as a way to prove to myself that I don't have to drink to be in the presence of other people and I am not as shy as I keep saying I am!  Definitely an irrational fear that I have been hiding behind for many years now! Not to say I don't get anxious or nervous or sometimes don't have anything to say, but I am learning how to feel those feelings and just push through, and not worry about it all so much. I'm not great at it, but I am getting better at it. And honestly, I was still nervous and anxious when I was drinking, I just somehow made it easier.

Action Step #4: Recognize, acknowledge, and embrace the presence of fear by writing down how your body reacts to fear:
Depending on the severity of the fear, I get clammy. I get hot. I get embarrassing red blotches on my face, neck, and chest. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel dizzy. I feel like I might pass out. I have a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I feel an ache in my heart. I feel nauseated. My body tingles all over. I freeze up and can't move or talk. My body trembles or shakes.

So when I feel this fear, I have to acknowledge it, be thankful for it, because it is needed in truly life-threatening situations, but then ask myself, what would I do if I wasn't afraid? What feelings do I want to feel? Courage, Strength, Ease, Confidence, Peace, Calm, Happiness, Homeostasis.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 21

I'm all just hanging out... all chill, like I have nothing to do... oh yeah, I have to journal! It's review and bonus solution day again! Always such a relief! But when you don't have any new action steps, it's easy to forget to journal.  And sadly, there is no bonus solution this week. The further I get on the companion website, there are less and less things. It's like they deserted the effort. The authors and coaches no longer comment in the forums. I think their profiles say they haven't logged on in 6 months, maybe even a year. And this week, one of the authors sent out an email to those of us who are registered on the site that basically proved that he has moved on to a much more lucrative endeavor... a 3-month more intensive program that costs almost $3000 per person. Clearly, he is making more from that then sales from this book! Not to throw him under the bus, I still think reading this book and doing this program is well worth it, and will continue despite the "holes" and lack of support on the companion site.

Now, what do I have to say. I went back and reviewed this week's solutions while I was at the pool. (Also possibly the reason that I forgot I still needed to journal by the time I got home!) I did read my Total Sobriety Affirmation when I woke up this morning... still didn't hit that mid-day mark, but I will do it again before I go to bed. I also woke up and stated out loud some of the things I am grateful for. I've had a pretty laid back, good day. The only thing that was bad was the news. I know, I'm not supposed to watch that negative crap, but when it's all over your facebook and twitter feeds, and the headline notifications on my iPhone. You sit there in disbelief that a town in your home state has been dealing with white supremacist neo-nazi and KKK protests where violence has ensued... it's hard to turn away. Trust that I avoided a lot of it. It makes my heart heavy. I just can't believe there is such ignorance and evil in the world. There is so much to be grateful and hopeful about. I cannot believe we are still dealing with people who want to treat others differently for the color of their skin! What an absolutely groundless mindset! I'd say those people should probably do some of the action steps in this book and worry about their own damn problems!

So I am grateful this evening that I did not have to endure any violence because of my opinion. I am grateful for those who stood up against hate. I am grateful that the people I chose to surround myself with do not hold these limiting beliefs about people of other cultures! And I am grateful for my progress with my own future and continuing to work this program and my 60 days of sobriety!


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 20

Woot woot! I'm two-thirds of the way done! And I am happy to see today's topic... The Gratitude Solution. This isn't the first time I've worked on recognizing what I am grateful for. I've been journaling on and off for for many, many years now, and in lots of those journal entries, I would write down what I was grateful for at the end, basically to end on a positive note. So let's get down to it.

Action Step #1: List 25 or more things you are grateful for:

1. That I still own my home.
2. That I have no credit card debt.
3. That I was able to refinance my home and save money.
4. My cat.
5. My friends.
6. My parents.
7. That my house is picked up.
8. That I have maintained sobriety for 46 days (it will be 47 in a few hours!)
9. That I woke up without a hangover.
10. That I have lost almost 35 pounds since January 3rd.
11. That I have walked at least 5 days a week for 7 weeks straight.
12. That I ran across the "30 Day Sobriety Solution."
13. The supportive people I have come across in the forum.
14. My long hair.
15. That my health problems are manageable.
16. My electronics (laptop, iphone, ipad, TV, and Roku).
17. The games I can play on my electronics!
18. All the televisions show and movies available to watch!
19. The flexibility of my work hours and the ability to work from home.
20. My relationship with my boss.
21. The library. (Free books!)
22. The city I live in.
23. That I have learned to become a better cook.
24. That I had the experiences I had in high school and college.
25. That I got the opportunity to be in a commercial once upon a time.

It started getting not as easy halfway through, but I managed to think of some more!

Action Step #2: When you wake up in the morning, think about 5 or more things that you are grateful for (and spend a few minutes actually feeling grateful):

Well, obviously that won't happen until tomorrow. I'll try to write about that tomorrow. I'm going to set a reminder on my phone to do that so I won't forget!

Action Step #3: Tell someone how much you appreciate them either face-to-face, on the phone, in an email, or by writing a letter:

Well, it's after midnight, so I can't exactly call someone or go see someone right at the moment! So I sent a message to someone I have regularly been in touch with on the companion site that has routinely checked in on me. I do really appreciate them!

Ok, now I do have a confession. I was supposed to be reviewing my Total Sobriety Affirmation from Day 18 daily, in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bed, and yesterday I only did it once. Today, I've only done it once. This whole 3 times a day thing doesn't appear to be my jam. 

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 19

Yeah, I really don't feel like doing this today. I did read the chapter. But we have to write a new "me" statement. More goals. And I guess that is part of my problem. I don't know all the details of what I want for myself. I realize that part of this process for me is to figure that out, but there are a lot of things in my head that I am not certain if I truly want to do because I am passionate about it, or if I want to do them for some false feeling of what I should be doing or what would make other people happy, or look up to me, make me feel "cool." That doesn't seem so authentic. That's what I need to figure out. So, today's solution, the attraction solution, may well be another half-assed one.

Action Step #1: Use the "ask, believe, receive" process:
See they even say in this section "now that you have clarity about what you want..."  Ummm, clari-who?!? I still don't! I know generically I want to be happy and healthy, but I don't really know the specifics of how to achieve that besides cut back or quit drinking and work out and eat better. Anyway, the next time I am daydreaming about my life but then start getting negative about it, I'm supposed to use this process. Mostly lately I've been daydreaming about being on a future season of the reality TV show, Big Brother. But after reading this chapter, even watching the show is probably not good for me (see Action Step #2). And do I want this because I am truly passionate about it, or do I want it because of the semi-celebrity associated with it? And the book says to be realistic. Is this really realistic? So maybe I need to change my little daydreams.

Action Step #2: Change your inputs (stop watching negative, fear-inducing news, shows, stories, images, and videos, and ask yourself if the books, video games, shows, movies, etc. you choose leave you in a positive mind-frame and add value to your life):
So yeah, does Big Brother really add value to my life? LOL Other than researching it to figure out how I can win the $500,000 when I am on it! haha  I also like Snapped, 20/20, Dateline, Forensic Files, etc. Certainly, those are not good for me. But I have an interest in forensics! The good news is the games I chose to play, for the most part, are not violent... sudoku, matching with friends, farmville 2, candy crush. Every once in a while I do play Walking Dead' No Mans Land, but I turn the "gore" off. Not sure that any of those games are actually enhancing my life. But maybe they help me with keeping my mind problem-solving? Maybe I am staving off Alzheimer's and dementia? One can hope! And oh yeah, I watch The Walking Dead too. That's probably not good either, but I love it! Well, the other good thing is that I actually do not watch the news, for the very reason that it is depressing! I do get highlights of headlines on my phone, but I only read a select few. *sigh* I may not be very good at this one!

Action Step #3: Write Your New Story:
Crap. Now we are at the point that I am supposed to write a present-tense story of where I am in a year. I have no idea. I'm just going to write some stuff, and hopefully, in the near future I can mold it and fill in the blanks as I figure out the specifics of where I want to be. Oh, and I am supposed to read it at least once a week and update it as I get more clarity. Which is good since I am really not clear!

So I started to think about this, and I don't really understand how this is anything different from the "new me" statement I wrote on day 2. I guess in 17 days it should have evolved and changed, but sorry, that hasn't happened. I still don't really know what career I want, I don't know the exact hobbies I want to be engaged in, I don't even really know if I want to be dating by then, or if I just feel like I should because I'm in my 40's, never been married, and I should be with someone, and society expects that I should be married by now, or at least have a boyfriend. I can't truly imagine any kind of relationship with someone because I am still working on myself. So that's just it. My story hasn't changed in 17 days. I need more time. So instead of copying and pasting the whole damn thing here, I'm just going to refer to my Day 2 journal entry. Eventually, it will evolve and be rewritten to be more specific, but I'm must not there yet.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 18

Well, it is so nice to see the double-digits continue, and getting almost into the 20s! And I am so glad I gave myself permission just to read the chapter and not take copious notes. I was feeling like this was so time-consuming. Some nights I would spend upwards of five hours on it! It's not like I quit my job to do this, right?!? So, I'm feeling good about today. The last two days, or maybe even more than that were rough. Feeling more positive today. I don't know if I am exactly doing this right, but it said don't worry about being perfect! As long as I am positive and in the present tense, I am good with it for the moment!

Action Step #1: write your Total Sobriety Affirmation:

I have a clear mind so that I can easily make informed decisions.
I am vibrant and full of happiness.
I feel amazing both mentally and physically.
My sleep is peaceful and comforting.
Creativity flows through me.
My humor is amplified.
I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love.
I am grateful and proud that I have maintained sobriety.
I have stayed sober for 60 days in a row, allowing my authenticity to shine.
I have completed the program's readings daily and finished the action steps.
I look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that my appreciation for myself, happiness, and self-reliance continues to grow.
It is easier to have a fun and exciting life while sober.
I am just as fun, cool, and likable as I want to be in sobriety.
Sex is more exciting when my senses are intensified through sobriety.
My anxiety is better with long-term sobriety.
I am a normal person that just requires some extra assistance to be a normal drinker.
I have fun and am naturally inspired and passionate about life in sobriety.
I am relieved that I am healthy, I am at a normal weight, and my bloodwork has stabilized.
I easily and happily order a club soda in any social situation.
I exude unwavering self-confidence in sobriety.

Action Step #2: Use your Total Sobriety Affirmation daily:
I plan to write my Total Sobriety Affirmation on notecards and/or print it out. I will read it aloud in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bed. I will record my affirmations to listen to while walking. When I catch myself complaining, blaming, justifying bad behavior, or engaging in negative self-talk, I will review my affirmations. The more I repeat them, the better. I will ask questions, as we learned on Day 16 about my affirmations. When possible, I will supercharge my affirmations by using visualization, feeling the emotions, and using tapping.

Action Step #3: Listen to the thriving-in-sobriety guided affirmations:
So I did that. I just can't seem to really get into these visualization things. Maybe it will come with time.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 17

Confession: I didn't meet one of my goals yesterday. While I did read Chapter 17, I read it at 2:00 am. I was actually not in the mood to do anything but ended up making myself read, and I was in bed and kept dozing off, so obviously, a lot of the information didn't stick. Plus I didn't do the 5 minutes minimum of journaling I said I would in my goals.

I almost didn't do anything tonight either. I'm in a bad mood. I cried. I cried about stuff from high school and college. I don't even know how it came up. And then today was the anniversary of the death of my cat. It's been one year, and I am working on forgiving myself for what I believe was not taking good enough care of her and having to decide to put her to sleep.

After thinking that I was just not going to do anything on the program today because it was a rough day, I decided to at least re-read the chapter. Funny how it's all about negative thinking and being in a bad mood. So then I figured, I had better do the action steps too. So let's get on with the Eternal Optimist Solution...

Action Step #1: Stop and analyze your thoughts when you are in a bad mood.
Hey, guess what? I am in a bad mood! So let's ask these questions. What am I thinking about? I'm thinking about the choices I regret in high school and college. I'm thinking about the poor job I did in caring for my pet. What is my negative self-talk? I should have tried harder. I should have believed in myself. I should not have listened to others. I should not have worried what other people thought. I should have done better. Who's voice is it? It's my voice. What is the tone of the voice? Angry. Sad. What visual images am I focusing on? I'm seeing various moments of me in high school and college. I'm seeing the last moment I looked into my cat's eyes before she was euthanized.

Now that you are aware of what is putting you in a bad mood, change your thoughts by using what you have learned today and in past solutions:
You cannot change the past. Nothing will ever be perfect. You did the best you were capable of at that moment in time. A failure is something you experience, not who you are. You are only focusing on the negative experiences and not the positive experiences you had and choices you made in high school in college and in the 12 years you had with your beloved cat. You have learned from these situations. Your life is not a total failure due to these decisions. You are a good person. You forgive yourself.

Action Step #2: Write down your "negative thinking traps" and how each one shows up in your life using examples:

First, I'd like to point out that I am about list every single negative thinking trap they listed. I clearly have a lot of barriers in front of me!...

• Perfectionism. I am constantly critiquing myself. See action step #1! I believed I should have known at a young age (high school/college) exactly what decisions were right for me. I believed that I should have been more perfect in caring for my cat.
• Negative Labeling. I have found myself yelling at myself in the mirror sometimes saying "You stupid idiot!" when I do things that I don't like.
• Generalizing (All or Nothing). I have many times thought I am always screwing up drinking less or losing weight.
• Deletion. I often do put out of my head all the times I was very sad while drinking excessively. I remember the good times much better.
• Jumping to Negative Conclusions. I always assume the worst in situations. Whoops, there I go generalizing! I suppose I don't always, but a great deal of the time! For example, a few weeks ago I assumed the very worse of what my friends would say when I went out to dinner with them and I didn't drink. The actual evening was not even close to what I had imagined.
• Exaggeration/Minimization.
• Emotional Reasoning. I cannot think of any specific examples, but I do tend to assume my negative emotions reflect the way things really are. I mean the negative feelings in action step #1 are the way I feel things really are. At least I did at the time I thought them.
• "Should" statements. I am constantly "shoulding" on myself, but not the same way as the book describes. I am saying "should" because that is what I believe others--my  parents, my friends, co-workers, society, the world--expects me to be. But sometimes I do say that for things I know I want to do... "I should cut back on my drinking"... "I should work out."
• Personalization. If I don't hear back from someone immediately, I automatically assume I did something to offend them or something to that effect. 
• Mind Reading. I am too afraid to ask people what they are really thinking, so I am constantly assuming what people are thinking.

Action Step #3: Write down how to change each of your traps:

Unfortunately, I just cannot think of super specific examples for a lot of these right now. I'll admit, I am still in burnout mode with this program, so I am just dangling to hold on to this 100% commitment. Even though I was upset today, and I cried. I didn't drink. I just felt the feelings, let myself cry, and it was hard, but I didn't run to the bottle. I had no intention of trying to drink it away. Anyway, I may be half-assing this step, but I am just trying to do as best as I can. No one is perfect.  So, good one to start with....

• Perfectionism. Tell myself that no one and nothing is perfect. Tell myself that good enough is good enough. You are still trying to do your best.
• Negative Labeling. You may do stupid things, but no one's perfect, so don't tell yourself that. Failure is something you experience, not who you are.
• Generalizing (All or Nothing). You are not always screwing up drinking less. You don't drink when you sleep. You have not had a drink on many days! And look at you now! You have not had a drink in 44 days! And you have not screwed up losing weight. You have lost 74 lbs before, you can do it again. You don't eat horribly every single minute of every single day. 
• Deletion. You have to remember the bad times of your drinking excessively. You have written journal entries before even doing this program. Go read them if you get off track with cutting back or quitting drinking.
• Jumping to Negative Conclusions. Start imagining the best of situations. Realize that every situation is unique, so be open to what might happen. It might not turn out as good as you think, but it is not the end of the world.
• Exaggeration/Minimization. Exaggerate the positive and minimize the negative!
• Emotional Reasoning. Acknowledge that emotions are temporary and can be changed!
• "Should" statements. Think about what YOU actually want, not anyone else, and then change those "should" statements to "want."
• Personalization. Don't make assumptions. It is not always you. That is a bit conceited, don't you think? Get more information.
• Mind Reading. Stop being afraid to ask people what they are really thinking because it will make the situation better in the long run. Again, do not make assumptions. "When in doubt, check it out!"

Okay, so I am probably doing myself a disservice by not thinking of specific examples, but I KNOW I do all of these things, I just can't think of exactly when. This will still be helpful to come back to and apply when I do run across these situations.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 16

Well, obviously I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. The good news is that I was really was not close to grabbing a drink. That's the number one thing I don't want to give up on. I was just frustrated with the emotions of all this work. My perfectionist self was is rearing its ugly head. I was confusing 100% commitment with 100% perfect. As tonight rolled around, I almost decided not to do anything at all because I needed a break. But then I remembered that one of my goals was to at least read the chapter and write in my journal for five minutes. So, I decided that I no longer need to take copious (a.k.a. perfectionist) notes. I mean, I was taking up to 2 hours to read and write these notes sometimes! Luckily it was one of the shorter chapters, and wow, that didn't take long at all! Good plan! So now, I have plenty of time to get to these Quality Question SOlution action steps!

Action Step #1: Make a list of the questions you ask yourself that contain negative presuppositions:

• Why do I drink so much?
• Why can't I lose weight and be healthier?
• Why is it impossible to be sober and have a fun and exciting life?
• Why am I not fun, cool, or likable without alcohol?
• Why does sex sober suck?

Action Step #2: Write empowering questions:

• How can I thrive in sobriety?
• How can I be healthier and achieve my ideal weight while loving the process?
• How can I be sober and have fun and excitement in my life?
• How can I be fun, cool, and likable when I'm sober?
• How can sex be more exciting in sobriety?

Action Step #3: Write your 30-Day Vision Statement question in a question format:

• How will I have a clear mind, be vibrant, and be full of happiness?
• How will I feel amazing both mentally and physically?
• How will my sleep be comforting and peaceful?
• How will creativity flow through me?
• How will my humor be amplified?
• How will I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love?
• How will I be grateful that I have maintained my sobriety?

Well, my vision statement is long, so I have a lot of questions! The better news is that, even though I have to ask these questions several times a day, I am done reviewing the original vision statement and "new me" journal entry because it's already been two weeks! Wow, that makes me feel good too!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 15, Part 2

I think I am getting burnt out. I just do NOT want to do this today. I barely wanted to do it last night. I still don't want to do it. What is my problem? I don't know, maybe I just want a day where I don't have to think about myself, or what I want, I just want to freaking go about my day, enjoy it, and not have to do a million readings and affirmations and visions and tapping and whatever else. Yes, I am frustrated and burned the hell out. And only after 15 damn days.

But here I am. I am going to finish this day's action steps, but I am pretty certain I am going to half-ass it. I see lots of people saying this is a critical step, but I'm sorry, I don't know what the freak it smells like to thrive in sobriety! Seriously! Smells like? I don't pay attention to smells other than the candles in my home, which smell that way whether I am drunk or sober, by the way. I'm supposed to be oh so detailed, and I just want to run a few scenarios through my head quickly and be done with it. Blah blah, there I am sober having a freaking amazing time. (Clearly, I am still having a hard time believing this. I don't know what the thriving in sobriety version of me looks like. I'm not sure she exists.

So just a little while ago, I thought, I've been sober for a while now, I have had plenty of sober weekends. And then I counted. I'm on my sixth weekend now. I guess that's not really very much. The first weekend, I was pretty much white-knuckling it. But the question is, have I had fun on these other weekends? Yes, at some points, I've done some social things, some shopping, some relaxing at the pool. But I can't honestly say that I am just having SOOOO MUCH FUUUUUNNNN that being sober is SOOOOO AMAZING. Most of the time I would have preferred to have a drink in hand, but I didn't have much of a problem not drinking. I have spent my weekends basically avoiding doing anything that has to do with drinking. I have completely avoided my best friends because all they do on the weekend is drink. They've done pub crawls, and day drinking, and gone to our regular bar. And here I sit instead doing these freaking mind-exploding emotional over the top exercises thinking about myself and how amazing my life is going to be when I order a f@#ing club soda at the bar I was a regular at. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. ...feel the sarcasm.

So as you can see, I am not there yet. I clearly don't fully believe my life is going to be as exciting, and I have a long freaking way to go. And that upsets me. Whatever, let me get on with half-assing the descriptions of not just one, but THREE visions, that I need to think about every day. UGH. Then I can get on with my boring Saturday night of drinking club soda by myself, watching TV. At least I will be able to stop thinking about myself and all the 9 million steps I'm so supposed to take. Thank god I get special chocolates tonight for another week of not drinking. Don't judge the sugar either. I freaking deserve it.

Action Step #1: Create 3-5 mental images or movies to visualize. Write them down in your journal and visualize at least once a day:

VISUALIZATION #1: See myself ordering a club soda at the bar we always go to and still having fun:
I am laughing so hard my face is scrunched up, and I look so confident and beautiful and radiant. Everyone is looking at me like I am the most amazing person on earth. I am super skinny and have new clothes. I can smell the limes in my club soda. People are not reacting to the fact that I just ordered a club soda. In fact, more people are coming over and talking to me because I exude so much self-confidence.

VISUALIZATION #2: See myself when I was in high school and we placed in national competition for the first time.
I was always sober in high school. I am wearing my red sparkly dress, and all my friends are around me. We are so excited, overwhelmed, elated, grateful, happy, joyous. In fact tears of joy. Everyone is hugging one another. I can't stop smiling. I am healthy and spunky and skinny. We performed our hearts out. I was sober the entire trip. I had so much fun and even started dating someone during that trip. It was genuine fun and joy.

VISUALIZATION #3: ..... nothing...

I DON'T F$%$KING KNOW. I just can't with this. They want me to imagine an entire weekend full of fun. When the hell does that ever happen? IT DOESN'T!!! This is not even realistic to me. I can't imagine an entire weekend of fun without alcohol. And there it is. I am sobbing. SOBBING!!! I can't freaking imagine it. If I can't imagine it, it's not going to happen. I am so upset. My emotions are spinning all over the place, and half of me just wants to go get a drink right now because clearly, I can't even imagine not drinking again, so I might as well go ahead and get it over with now!!! I've already done my 30 days. EFF THIS!!!

....But I won't. I'm too much of a perfectionist. And I'm already down this rabbit hole, and I'm not going to screw up my commitment to 60 days sober. That's all I've committed to. That and doing this damn program. This was about cutting back, not quitting forever. I know they use the term "sobriety" as cutting back too. And now that I think of it, I can actually imagine having an entire weekend of fun just cutting back. I don't need to be wasted, but I truly cannot yet think of an entire weekend without a single drop. I guess that just pisses me off and makes me sad. I shouldn't feel that way. But the truth is, I am just not there yet.

So sorry, I'm just not going to do 3 visualizations. I am good with 2 right now. Maybe my brain needs some more solutions and some more changes to get me to have more than 2 visualizations. I just don't want to think about this crap anymore right now. I'm done.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl