Now, given my emotion when I read the chapter for Day 2, I was sort of dreading completing the remainder of the action items. I put it off until pretty late tonight. I was only relieved that I didn't have a long chapter to read before doing it tonight! I did listen to the guided recording on the companion website for inspiration. Here is what I came up with...
“Before Me”
What caused me to want to cut back or quit drinking...
The number one reason was that I am concerned about the
consequences of my drinking on my health. In February of this year, I started
getting hypnic jerks, also known as sleeps starts, that would keep me from
falling asleep, sometimes for hours. They would happen while I was still
practically awake and very lucid. They would scare me and I was sleep deprived.
It seemed the only thing that kept them from happening was drinking enough
alcohol to woo my body from wake to sleep stage. My drinking escalated quite a
bit over those months, both in quantity and regularity, often drinking copious
amounts every night for weeks. The nights I didn’t drink, I would get terrible
jerks. Eventually, even the alcohol didn’t seem to completely cease the jerks.
I had a sneaking suspicion that my heavy drinking was actually causing it. That
my body had now gotten used to having alcohol in my system when going to sleep,
and without it, it wasn’t able to breakthrough to the sleep cycles. I thought
my body was defying me, but it was as if it was confused and telling me to wake
up because we didn’t have the alcohol we needed in our system to go to sleep. Truth
be told lately, I had been passing out and blacking out more and more. I was
concerned what that might be doing to my brain, especially with Alzheimer’s in
the family.
Beyond that, I lost a lot of weight in 2012, and had
steadily gained almost all of it back by the beginning of 2017. I was now back
in the “obese” category. I had been struggling with trying to get the weight
back off since 2013, not to mention I felt like a failure for gaining all this
weight back after working so hard. The stress of worrying about my health and
the sleepless nights with scary body jerks sent my anxiety and depression
through the roof by March. I broke down crying at my annual physical. My blood
work ended up showing I was pre-diabetic and my triglycerides and “bad” LDL cholesterol
were high. I have already been on medication for high blood pressure since my
mid-30’s. I found out my results on a work trip, in which I also found out my
68-year-old uncle who drinks every night had had a stroke. I had a panic attack
walking to dinner that night, and I cured it with a few glasses of wine and a
phone call to my mom. I have used alcohol to escape my depression and anxiety a
great deal on and off over the past 20 years.
I have been non-productive so many times because of choosing
to drink instead and then the next day because of the hangovers. I haven’t really
made any life goals, so instead I drink. I was so sick of failing at weight
loss. I was so sick of failing to cut back. I have often said my biggest
problem with losing weight was drinking. And I even have guilt that I was
unable to take care of my sick cat properly because I spent too much time
drinking, nursing my hangovers, and worrying about myself. Thank god I don’t
have children or a spouse.
And because I am single and childless, it is so much
easier to hide the amount of alcohol I drink. No one is here at home to see it.
I “pre-drink” before meeting up with friends. I would venture to say that my friends and family are not truly worried about my alcohol consumption because they never actually saw most of it.
And speaking of being single, I do want to attract the right
relationship. My last three major relationships revolved around alcohol in some
form or another, and I drank more to hide the pain and and avoid the fact that they really were not the right person for me. In one of those relationships, we had terrible fights
that were fueled by alcohol, and I would push him. I would cringe when I was
sober and think to myself, who is that girl? I’m not at all violent.
Fortunately, I was never like that in any other relationship, including the
ones after that, but I know the alcohol exacerbated my actions.
I do feel like alcohol is a big part of my social
life. It has masked my general anxiety and social anxiety. It has become my
identity in a way. Everyone knows me for being the life of the party. I often want to be the center of attention. Everyone
laughs at my stories. Everyone knows me for having a high tolerance too. I don’t
talk as much, if at all, when I am sober. I don’t get as many laughs when I’m sober. I'm afraid to be the center of attention when I am sober. I
fear talking to new people when I am sober. I am afraid to do new things
when I’m sober. I am afraid to date when I’m sober. I’m afraid to have sex when
I’m sober. I don’t feel like me when I’m sober.
I am afraid that I will have to
quit entirely. I am afraid my life will change so much. I often fool myself into
thinking lots of people drink as much as I do, and they are fine, as if I’ve
seen their blood work or live in their bodies. I’ve often convinced myself that I am fine with cutting
my life short for the thrill of a "party-hard," "anxiety-reducing," "glamorous," "fun" drinking lifestyle. More times than not, it's not any of those things. At an event the week before I quit drinking, I was having a conversation with a friend about some sort of health issue, and I raised my drink and said, "This is what is going to kill me!" with a smile and a boisterous laugh. Sad.
“New Me”
My vision of what I really want in life and what sobriety will give me...
I feel amazing thriving in sobriety. I have boundless
energy. I am so proud of myself. I believe in myself. I am content, calm, and
comforted going to bed sober, and I sleep peacefully throughout the night.
Waking up without a hangover is enlightening and refreshing, and I am grateful every morning.
There are a number of things I accomplish as I thrive in
sobriety. I do volunteer work. I try new activities. I am active. I might try a
new sport or take up a new hobby or pick back up an old hobby, such as singing,
dancing, piano, acting, or photography. I finally learn Spanish, and start speaking to my fluent friends. I finally get
my passport and plan a trip to Italy and other international destinations. I welcome doing new things and talking to
new people, and sometimes I even relish being the center of attention in my
sobriety.
I put in the effort to determine what my true passion and
purpose is in my career and in life, and I take the necessary steps to achieve
that. I have the energy, the drive, and the time to dedicate to this. I am better able to manage the work I have in my current career. I have more money in the bank, not spending it all on
alcohol and bars every weekend. I even earn extra money from the blogs I now have more time to write.
I find a loving and supportive partner because the person
I am in my sobriety attracts someone who is right for me. I am in true love,
and I am abundantly loved. I am married. I enjoy sex so much more in my
sobriety. I revel in my self-confidence, and I feel sexy in my own skin. I am
skinny, in shape, and healthy. I have accomplished maintaining a healthy weight, my blood pressure is normal, and my bloodwork is perfect. I do not worry about my health. I feel good. I have a glow and a presence that is irresistible.
I am vibrant. I have a circle of friends who support me, love me, and are fun
to spend time with even without alcohol. My appreciation of humankind is
overflowing. I have found my own sense of spirituality. I am thankful for the time I still have left on this earth and the
extra time that sobriety has given me.
Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl
Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl
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