30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 24

Bear with me here. I'm all hopped up on Benedryl! Feeling a bit loopy and drowsy here! I'm having some sort of allergic reaction, so I took the day off of work to rest. I'm having a hard time even doing this, so trying to be productive at work would be just a waste of my energy... or what I have left of it!

Today's solution is about meditation, another topic I have already made a foray into. First, I've had therapists ask me to try it over the years. I also still have chapter 45 dog-earred in Eat Pray Love about chosing a new simple sanskrit mantra, "Ham-sa," which means "I am That," and how she finally had a breakthrough in her meditation experience. I know, by now, may people think this book is cheesy and clique, but for someone who rarely every finishes a book, I finished this one. So that means something! I took on this mantra when I would try to meditate combat my crazy thoughts and anxiety when I was trying to go to sleep. I still use it sometimes to this day, but I am not very regular about doing it at all. In addition, after a very traumatic break up in early 2014, I tried to do a free Oprah & Deepak's 21-Day Meditation Experience. I never got through the whole thing, but when they had a sale on a bundle, I ended up purchasing several of their 21-day experiences, including Creating Abundance, Miraculous Relationships, Free to Love, and Desire and Destiny, thinking if I bought them, I would do them and I could do them on my time instead of the limited time of the free version. Wrong. I have bet to finish any of them! I even bought more when I started having sleep problems (7 Days to Restful Sleep and 7 Days to Relieve Stress and Anxiety). I haven't even finished the 7 days ones! I do often use the meditation that is to be used before bed on day one of 7 Days to Restful Sleep, and sometimes it helps. I was even thinking that after I finish this program, I should really commit to doing those meditations. Well, I guess I was right. :)  But for now, on to today's action steps!

Action Step #1: Practice breathing:
I did this as I was reading the chapter. This kind of breathing exercise is also familiar to me. In my early days of therapy, many many moons ago, my therapist taught me to breath this way when I was feeling anxiety or panic. I also use it to calm myself down when I am trying to fall asleep.

Action Step #2: Listen to the guided meditation and start meditating 10 minutes or more a day:
So right as I am getting ready to do this, the landscaping crew comes right by my house with their loud weed whackers and leaf blowers. haha And this whole drowsiness thing did not help! I kept dozing off and jerking myself back awake. Once I'm off this Benedryl, I will make a better effort to do meditation.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 23

So I read the chapter earlier today, and then I almost forgot to journal and do my action steps! I think it's another one I kind of don't want to do, so I may have avoided it for a while. So let's make myself get on with it!

There was one part of the chapter that didn't end up being an action step. It said "before going any further," but clearly I read the whole rest of the chapter before doing it. I'm supposed to take the time to write down any self-imposed or unconsciously adopted standards that might be holding me back right now, and then rewrite them so it is easier to "win." So sadly the standards I often hold me to are just like the examples in the book:

OLD STANDARD: I am not accomplished if I don't get everything done on my list each day.
NEW STANDARD: The only way I can fail is if I don't try to do what is on my list at all.

OLD STANDARD: I have to do everything perfectly.
NEW STANDARD: Not one single person is perfect, and I do enough to get through life while having a balance of work and play, which is more important that trying to attain an unachievable ideal.

OLD STANDARD: I need to make everyone happy and everyone should like me.
NEW STANDARD: I need to take care of myself and as long as I try my best to treat everyone kindly and I am my authentic self, it is not important if other people like me.

Okay, now on to the official steps...

Action Step #1: Practice the "Mental Makeover" when you experience negative emotions:
Well, I'm not having negative emotions at the moment. Well, maybe except not feeling like doing this! haha So let me pick something that happens commonly. I get annoyed with people who don't GOOOOOO!!! when I am driving, like I'm always in a hurry, when in some cases I'm really not.

AWARENESS: I always notice when I start yelling at other drivers because I'm not naturally a "yeller." Maybe it is because when I am in a hurry, it's usually because I am running late, and I am actually irritated at myself! I feel tense and stressed and irrationally bent out of shape sometimes.
ACCEPTANCE: Okay, so I get to go ahead and feel the emotion. I will do that next time I am in the car.
ANALYZING: What triggered it? Well, see AWARENESS.... I'm always running late so I feel like I need to get everywhere fast. I'm supposed to see if the drinking triggers relate to this, but they don't. I guess I was supposed to use a drinking trigger? To be honestly, now I haven't had a drinking trigger happen to me in a while now, so I just can't seem to associate with that. So on with the slow people driving scenario...
ASSIGNING: Ohh, I see. This is where I was supposed to list the standards that might be holding me back. Well, if I am running late, I am mad at myself because I am not perfect and I am trying to make someone else happy by being on time.

Action Step #2: Pick a behavior/situation that upsets you, and practice the process of "The Work":
So, let's just use the same situation: Someone who is driving slowly is annoying.

1. IS IT TRUE?: I'm not absolutely sure that that person is actually annoying, but yes, the fact that they are driving slow is annoying when you are trying to get somewhere.
2. CAN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW IT'S TRUE?: No, because it may be in their best interest to drive slow. Perhaps they are not comfortable driving fast. Perhaps it is actually not safe to drive fast.
3. HOW DO YOU REACT WHEN YOU BELIEVE THIS?: I get angry, stressed, frustrated, and sometimes irrational.
4. WHO WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT THAT THOUGHT? I would be calm and happy.
5. TURNAROUNDS:
     1. TURN THE THOUGHT TO YOURSELF: I am annoying when I drive slow.
     2. TURN THE THOUGHT AROUND TO THE OTHER: I'm really not sure how to turn this one around because I am already saying they are annoying when they drive slow.
     3. TURN THE THOUGHT AROUND TO THE OPPOSITE: People who drive slowly are delightful.

So there you have it. I have gotten emotionally sober about slow drivers. LOL I'm going to have to come back around to these processes the next time I have a "real" negative thought that is affecting my ability to thrive in sobriety. I suppose being angry at slow drivers does negatively impact my life in a small way, so I will actually try to think about these things the next time this happens in the car, but I am sure there are bigger fish to fry in the area! I just feel too positive at the moment to get deep into my negativity, and hey, isn't that a good thing?


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 22

Alrighty, here I am starting on Phase IV: Cultivating Courage and Positive Relationships to Thrive in Mind, Body, and Spirit. Today is The Courage Solution. So let's get down to it, shall we?

Action Step #1: Write about past attempts to cut back or quit drinking, specifically what you did and what you learned each time:

I have never made an attempt to stay sober in which I intended to never drink again. In fact, even this time, my intention is to cut back, not quit completely. I have however had weekly attempts to cut back, by trying to only drink on the weekends, over the past several years. Some weeks I managed to do so, but progressively, more and more weeks I failed. I would vow not to keep drinking on Sunday after blowing it out on Friday and Saturday night, but I would come up with any number of reasons to drink "just one more night" and that would often stray into the weekdays. I would end up hating myself for it, and then do it again and again. I know that my past attempts didn't work because I didn't do any kind of personal growth work. I was "white knuckling" it during the week, when I was successful, but I didn't do anything to control it on the weekends, and I wasn't attempting to do anything differently or ask why I was doing it. I created such a successful habit of drink every Friday and Saturday night that when I first quit back in June, just the mere fact that it was the weekend and I was not drinking seemed tortuous! I learned that it can truly be a habitual as well.

Action Step #2: Write a list of "drinking" fears you have not addressed and how you will specifically be able to overcome these fears:

What would I do if I wasn't afraid?
FEAR: Up until know, I have been afraid of dating sober.
What benefit have I been getting from letting this fear stop me?
BENEFIT: The benefit is that I feel my anxiety and shyness fade away.
What would I do if I had no fear?
OVERCOMING: I am excited to actually be myself and be confident and calm. In fact, I am less likely to say something I regret and I will remember the entire date!
What would I feel and experience if I took that action?
FEELINGS: Going on a date sober would allow me to be fully present and feel like I am capable of doing anything sober!

Action Step #3: Think back to the times you have turned down offers, invitations, and opportunities and determine if they are related to drinking or are automatic responses to avoid change. Consider new opportunities that come up and just say yes! Notice how that feels and if irrational fear is driving your decisions:

I have backed out of a ton of social situations over the years. Mostly I didn't feel like being around other people or having to try to meet new people or I didn't feel like putting in the effort. The majority of them were drinking events, so it's not as if I thought it would put a damper on my drinking efforts. I just think I didn't want to have to face fear, I didn't want to deal with my anxiety, and I could drink just as easily, and for cheaper, at home! I honestly feel like I am single, I don't have a career that I am passionate about, and I am overweight because I have chosen to drink instead of trying hard, feeling fear, and pursue figuring any of that out. Not to say I haven't changed jobs, or dated anyone, or successfully lost weight over the past 20 years. I have done many of those things, but I still feel stuck in the same place, and I think my dependence on alcohol can take on much of the blame.

Now, I can't exactly conger up an opportunity to say yes to this very moment, but ever since I decided to quit for a while, I have been making myself do things that I would normally have turned down as a way to prove to myself that I don't have to drink to be in the presence of other people and I am not as shy as I keep saying I am!  Definitely an irrational fear that I have been hiding behind for many years now! Not to say I don't get anxious or nervous or sometimes don't have anything to say, but I am learning how to feel those feelings and just push through, and not worry about it all so much. I'm not great at it, but I am getting better at it. And honestly, I was still nervous and anxious when I was drinking, I just somehow made it easier.

Action Step #4: Recognize, acknowledge, and embrace the presence of fear by writing down how your body reacts to fear:
Depending on the severity of the fear, I get clammy. I get hot. I get embarrassing red blotches on my face, neck, and chest. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel dizzy. I feel like I might pass out. I have a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I feel an ache in my heart. I feel nauseated. My body tingles all over. I freeze up and can't move or talk. My body trembles or shakes.

So when I feel this fear, I have to acknowledge it, be thankful for it, because it is needed in truly life-threatening situations, but then ask myself, what would I do if I wasn't afraid? What feelings do I want to feel? Courage, Strength, Ease, Confidence, Peace, Calm, Happiness, Homeostasis.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl