30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 10

Alright! I'm in the double digits now! One-third of the way there! Of course, I still have a ton of other things to do today and well, it's evening now, so let's get cracking on this Core Values Solution!

Action Step #1.a: Review the list of possible core values in the book, and write down the core values that stand out to you:

• Authenticity
• Appreciation
• Comfort
• Creativity
• Fun
• Generosity
• Happiness
• Humor
• Integrity
• Self-reliance
• Tolerance

As suggested, I went with my gut instinct. It was hard to determine if I truly valued that, or if it was something I think I should value.

Action Step #1.b: Think of situations, people, or movie/TV characters that really upset, offend, or anger you, and write down which of your values are compromised in each situation:

• Donald Trump. Everything he does violates my core values of integrity, generosity, and tolerance.
• People who don't tip bartenders or servers, but that's mostly because I was a server before, and I know they don't make enough without tipping. So I guess that violates integrity or generosity.
• People who can't take a joke. And I don't mean a mean one that someone continually jokes on someone about. Just people with out a sense of humor. Clearly, this violates my value of humor. 
• People who use religion as a form of hate. This violates integrity, generosity, and tolerance.

Action Step #1.c: Think of the people (dead or alive) whom you admire the most, and write down the values or emotions you respect most about these people:

• My Papa. He always seemed genuine and loved everyone. He loved to tell jokes. He loved painting. I don't remember him ever lying. He was never mean. He just had a wonderful aura about him. The values of appreciation, authenticity, comfort, courage, creativity, dependability, fun, generosity, happiness, honestly, humor, integrity, joy, love, loyalty, tolerance, and truth come to mind when I think of him.
• Michelle Obama and President Obama. Ok, I put them together, but I have so much respect for them both. They were both classy, and in the face of some many nay-sayers and adversity, worked hard to do what they felt was right for our country, while continuing to be respectable citizens and role models for their children and the world. The values of accountability, achievement, appreciation, authenticity, courage, honesty, influence, integrity, justice, passion, patience, strength, success, tolerance, and wisdom come to mind.

Action Step #1.d: From your list, pick 10 values you identity with most and write down how your drinking has played a role in contradicting or violating each of these:

• Authenticity: I don't suppose I was always being my true self when drinking. In fact, I can remember times someone told me I did something that I can't remember doing, and I thought, I can't believe I did that.
• Appreciation: I was not think I was necessarily doing anything that people appreciated me for when I was drinking, except for maybe buying people drinks on occasion!
• Comfort: I gained a false sense of comfort when drinking. It was temporarily helping my sleeping issues. I was temporarily not anxious about anything, and therefore felt comfort, but then I was become even less comfortable when I was not drinking.
• Creativity: I believed that I was more creative sometimes when drinking, but I would often get side-tracked with other things or just not feel like doing whatever creative thing I was trying to accomplish after a certain point.
• Fun: There have been some seriously fun moments while drinking. I am not going to lie. But there have been many other moments where I have cried. I have written things in my journal or said things out loud that were very sad, and often I did not feel the same when sober the next day. The drinking intensified my sadness and insecurities if I drank too much, if I drank past the "fun point."
• Generosity: Buying people drinks on occasion is generous, but I am most likely thinking only of myself when I am drinking. Luckily, I don't have a family that has gotten the short end of the stick from my drinking. But, perhaps I said something inappropriate or mean to someone that I would not have when I was sober. 
• Happiness: (see fun.)
• Humor: I have to say that I laugh a lot and make jokes when I am drinking with friends. Everything is hysterical. But again, see "fun." Eventually, I take it too far, and when I am drinking alone, sadness seeps in, and I am no longer laughing.
• Integrity: Do I really give a crap about my integrity when I am drinking? I'm sure I don't. I get more bent out of shape about things than I would when I'm sober. In my younger years, I ended up going home with people I would not have sober. Luckily, I am more of the anti-going home with people at this age. I would venture to say integrity is still not a priority when I drink.
• Self-reliance: Ummm, yeah. All those times you couldn't find... your purse, your phone, your money, your jacket... and you needed someone else to help you find it. When you've needed help walking or getting upstairs because you were so drunk. I definitely need other people when I am drinking, and rely less on myself.
• Tolerance: I am much more quick to anger and be upset by anything when I am drinking. I may not change my major social beliefs, but I am definitely less tolerant about little things, such as how long it takes to get my drink.

Action Step #2: Update your 30-Day Vision Statement (Day 2) and Goals (Day 6) with some of your core values:

I just have to say first that I am slightly annoyed that I have to change my vision statement. I already memorized it! Okay, I will survive. Moving on....

Updated 30-Day Vision Statement:

I have a clear mind, I am vibrant, and I am full of happiness. I feel amazing both mentally and physically. My sleep is peaceful and comforting. Creativity flows through me, and my humor is amplified. I accept full responsibility for my actions, yet I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love. I am grateful and proud that I have maintained sobriety.

Updated Goals:

#1: I will have stayed sober for 60 days in a row, allowing my authenticity to thrive, by Friday, August 25, 2017, at 3:00 AM EST.

#2: Every night by 4:00 AM, I will have completed either that day’s reading and/or finished the action steps for the 30-Day Sobriety Solution, and spent 5 minutes or more writing here in my journal until I have completed the program by 4:00 AM on Friday, September 8, 2017.

#3: I will continue to look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that my appreciation for myself, happiness, and self-reliance will grow, and I will truly begin to feel that way by the time I complete this program.

Now I have to write up new notecards...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 9

I sadly feel very unaccomplished for the day. I cannot even believe that it is after 5:30 pm! I have actually accomplished almost all of what was on my things to do list, but I guess I thought I would get them all done much sooner and have many hours to relax and do what I want to do today. Not so much. But the good news is I will not be staying up until 3 or 4 AM to finish my action steps today! Woo hoo! So let's get cracking!

Action Step #1: My top 3 worries related to problem drinking, what I have done in this program to date, and what I will do over the remaining days of this program, to address them:

1. I worry about how drinking is affecting my health. Since starting the program, I haven't had to worry about this because I haven't been drinking, and my sleep has, in fact, already gotten better. Continuing to abstain or cut back on my drinking as I go along in this program will address this worry.
2. I worry that I won't be "cool" anymore, I won't be fun anymore,  I will be the person that everyone says "I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink" about, and I will never find a life partner. Okay, maybe that's a lot of things all together! But the first directly relate to why I think I will never get a partner. I have tried to remind myself that it doesn't matter what everyone thinks. I'm making an attempt to connect to other people who don't drink, virtually and in person, and reminding myself that I don't think they are not cool or not fun. I also have to remind myself that I am making all-or-nothing statements in thinking that everyone will not think I'm cool and think I'm no fun, everyone will make that statement about me, and that every single person is looking for a girl who parties every weekend. In fact, I bet there are people who have seen me drunk who think I am not cool and/or not fun, and I just don't know about it! I just have to keep saying those things to myself as I go through the program and work on surrounding myself with people who don't equate the fun in their lives to the amount of alcohol they consume!
3. I worry that I will be too shy and anxious to do anything socially, and I will not meet new people. Although I do have shy and introverted tendencies, I have to remind myself that I do interact with other humans sober on the daily, like when I am at the grocery store or work, so I am perfectly capable of talking to strangers without alcohol! I also made myself attend two social events in which I didn't know anyone last weekend to prove to myself that I can do new things with alcohol. Sure, I felt anxiety leading up to the events, and those first few minutes of locating the place, finding the people, and feeling foolish asking the wrong people sucked, but after about 5-10 minutes, I was fine. I also have to remind myself that I was even still nervous when I did have a few drinks before going out, so what's the point?

Action Step #2: My "tiny habit" of linking my 30-Day Vision Statement to an existing routine:

As in the example in the book, I am going to link saying my memorized 30-Day Vision Statement from Day 2, out loud when possible, every time I use the restroom. This is mostly because it said to pick something that I do at least 5 times a day! I couldn't think of anything else! I'm not even sure I do go to the restroom that many times a day! I guess we will find out. Strange how I had to go to the bathroom when I finished reading the chapter. So, I have officially taken the first step toward making this a mini-habit! :)

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30 Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 8

Okay, now the real Day 8. I can't say that I'm in the best of moods. It may be partially PMS. It may be partially that I have to "feel" and "think" and do things that I don't want to do when I would rather be doing other things.... and no, drinking is not one of them!

I honestly do not feel like drinking! That's just it. I'm not having a problem staying sober. So of course, I don't feel like I need to stay focused on this program because I feel like I've got this. I'm not worried about drinking, I'm worried about getting this damn program done! LOL

But alright, I am 100% committed, right? And I wrote last night after 3 AM (pretty much about nothing!) just because I made it a goal to do so. It kinda makes me wanna change that damn goal! It's not like I didn't do any work. I read the damn chapter. I took copious notes. I'm a slow reader for god's sake! So, it's not like I sat on my laurels and didn't do a damn thing. (God, can you sense my bitterness today?)

Alright, rant over. Action steps now.

What role has willpower played in quitting drinking?:
Willpower alone was definitely in play the first couple days. I didn't go to any kind of meeting. I didn't even tell a friend. I didn't read a book. I didn't start a program. That first day, I just knew I had to cut out drinking for a while or I would never know if it was causing my sleep issues, and I couldn't continue treating my sleep issues with alcohol. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I decided to stay sober longer and really examine my relationship with alcohol. I know I will need more than just willpower in the long run.

What is my “movie moment?”:
What would someone in the audience yell at me, or what would I yell at myself, watching me starring in a movie?... Why in the world do you think drinking is the best treatment for your sleeping problems? Why are you drinking so many drinks when you go out? Do you know you are about to blackout the next few hours of your night? What's the point of going out if you can't remember? That's what they would say, and that's what I am saying to myself now about my past.

How am I  going to avoid the negative impact of decision fatigue?:
Honestly, I should probably do the reading and action steps is in the morning. But I am soooo not a morning person, plus the slow reader thing, so it takes a while to get through. I wouldn't be able to get to work until the afternoon! I already don't start until 10:30 am. The earliest I get done with work is 6:30 pm, and my first priority is an hour walk after work, which is limited by the amount of daylight left in the day, and then I have to shower, and then I have to make dinner, and it's usually 9:30-10:00 pm by the time I get to eat it. Walking is doing a great job of replacing my drinking. And I did make it one of my goals to do this work by 4:00 am. I mean, that's way late! I don't know what else I can do.

Get out of the comparison trap:
I have thought that in the past that I am not as bad as others and... hey wait! We already did this same action step, just under the name confirmation bias on Day 5! I know, this book is repetitive for a reason, but we just did this 3 days ago! So, yes, I have compared myself to others to make myself think my problem isn't that bad. But now, I'm not doing that anymore.

And I'm done! Whew!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Dayyyyyyy.....

...I don't know. Day freaking 8. That's it. Day 8 out of 30. I'm feeling a bit deflated and exhausted. I don't even have the energy to put up an image for today's post. It's after 3 am, I just finished the reading, and I just cannot bring myself to doing the action steps. My brain, I swear, literally hurts. I don't want to half-ass it to get it done, and I am freaking overwhelmed and tired. It is intense. I feel like I should be able to do this at my own pace, but I am supposed to write in my journal every night regardless of how long I am taking to do this.

I think this is supposed to keep me busy instead of drinking as well. Trust that I have plenty of other things to do! I haven't been doing anything for months. I'm on a backlog here! That's why it's after 3 am because I had a million and one other things to do today!

And I've been sober for over 30 days now, and I don't have cravings. I'm not trying to get cocky, but I'm certainly not standing on the edge of the cliff waiting to dive off into a cocktail. Ironically with today's topic, I could be using sheer willpower still, and that won't last.  I know that. But I have to know my limitations. I'm not quitting the program because it's "too hard." I just can't do action items every day. Am I seriously supposed to get 4 hours of sleep a night to do this? I don't think so.

I'm tired. I'm PMSing. I just can't. I'm only writing because I made a goal that I would at least journal for 5 minutes every night, and I'm done. Action steps tomorrow. Peace...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30 Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 7

Oh my god, oh my god! I could not be happier to see that Day 7 is the Review Day and Bonus Solution! No actual action steps required! Whew! I was really starting to get bogged down and stressed out about doing all these action steps every day. But the truth is, I literally wrote in the companion site forum about having possibly half-assed my goals I wrote yesterday.

So I revisited those. As simple as they may be, I think those really are my goals right now... to get through the "30" days of the program and forgive and love myself. There will be more specific concrete goals later. I am one of those people that once I get going, I want to do a million things... An all-or-nothing person. And right now, it seems I am in an "all" stage. Not that I need to go back to "nothing," but I can keep it simple. As my mother always says, "you can't boil the ocean." It always makes me laugh. Who in the hell wants to boil the ocean? So that being said, I'm leaving those goals as is. Day 6 review, done.

Now, before I review the rest of the week, I decided to check out the bonus solution... the Social Solution. And alas, there are action steps, but they are not deep and emotionally charged like a number of the other ones. Here I need to write down what “I am Not Drinking” excuses are a good fit for me when I am in a social situation that includes alcohol. I had actually already thought about this because I had already been in such a social situation last weekend. Fortunately for me, I don't actually have to make up a small lie about it. I am taking a break because of my health issues and to lose weight, which will also help with my health issues. Who can argue with that? However, I was still nervous to tell people.

I, of course, practiced a whole big spiel, including many scenarios of reactions from my friends, before said social event. And I never even had to tell my story. No one asked! One person said, "Oh, you are being good! I should be too." That was it. I had certainly worked myself up over nothing. I felt like a complete narcissist thinking everyone would freak out over my beverage choice! It absolutely proved what was in the bonus reading, "The truth is no one cares nowhere near as much about your drinking as you think about your drinking."

And one last thing. I am due for a "congratulations!" I have officially been sober for 30 days straight as of late last night! It was difficult that first week, but really the last few have gone by without much of a struggle. And nope, I don't regret doing it. Does anyone? And I really don't have this urge to have a drink just because I made it. It's like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I do still have a goal to do at least 60 days, but I'm not sure when or even if I will drink again. This was intended to be a break, but now I am actually entertaining the idea that I might take an extended break or even stop forever. The very fact that I am considering quitting for good as an actual option illuminates the fact that I am truly being honest and realistic about what needs to happen to get me to where I want to be finally. Removing the booze seems to have released my rational brain back into the world.

Okay now, off to review the rest of the week's solutions now.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 6

I don't even understand how I barely have time to get this in and end up staying up until 3 or 4 am every night! Maybe I am over thinking it. Maybe it's because I am taking scrupulous notes on each chapter. I am also finding this very draining, so I'm sure I subconsciously put it off. But whatever. I 100% committed, right? I might be losing sleep for 60 days-ish, but commitment is commitment, right?

So, let's get at it, shall we? I need at least three goals that support my 30-Day Vision Statement. These goals must follow the SMART guidelines... Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-Bound. Did I mention that I despise making goals for the performance review process at work? I just want to be all, I am going to do my job really well until I get a new job or die. *LOL* I also hate making goals probably for the fear of not attaining them. I guess that is a form of not believing in myself. But what if my goals are too lofty? And I have horrible judgment when it comes to timing. I am always underestimating the amount of time it takes me to do, well, anything. The idea of having to make it time-bound makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Luckily, the book gave us examples and permission to use them. ;)

GOAL #1: I will have stayed sober for 60 days in a row by Friday, August 25, 2017, at 3:00 AM EST.
[NOTE: I thought it was cheating if I used 30 days because, in about 15 minutes, I'll have already met that goal. WOO HOO!!!]

GOAL #2: Every night by 4:00 AM, I will have completed either that day’s reading assignment, at the minimum, and/or finished the action steps for the 30-Day Sobriety Solution, and spent 5 minutes or more writing here in my journal until I have completed the program by 4:00 AM on Friday, September 8, 2017, if not before that, allowing me 53 days.
[NOTE: You might be wondering why I picked this random number of 53 days. I am going out of town for my cousin's wedding on September 9th, and I have no idea if I will have time to work on this, so I aim to be done before then. Plus I figure I'll need all the tools under my belt before surviving family and a wedding reception!]

GOAL #3: I will continue to look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that I truly begin to feel that way by the time I complete this program. 

I guess I am sort of confused about setting these goals. If these are supposed to be goals specifically for my "30-day" vision statement, why would any of my goal deadlines be set past 30 days? Also, some of the goal examples in the book don't seem possible in 30 days. For example, "I will be a 'normal drinker,' thriving in life with a take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward drinking by [date] at [time]." I would love for that to be true by the time I am done with the program, but I highly doubt that is attainable and realistic! So that doesn't really apply to my 30 Day Vision then, does it? So I left it out. Again, I don't want to get too lofty here!

So now, I must determine a plan to review these goals along with my vision statement at least two times a day. Add that to previous continuing action steps... to review my "new me" statement and the forgiveness affirmation each day for 2-3 weeks too. There is more and more to do each day, and I'm only on Day 6! No wonder I feel so overwhelmed doing this sometimes! Anyway, I'm going to write these down on notecards and keep them with the other things on notecards that are on my night stand to review daily. Off to write out my notecards now...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 5

I am relieved to see that Day 5 is not so intensive. Perhaps that is on purpose so we don't give up doing this! Ahh, and then, I am supposed to believe in myself... it is the Believe In Yourself Solution today.

So I review the list of famous teetotalers. I'll be honest, I don't even know who a lot of them are. And can we be honest. The people who just always never drank, or never had a craving to drink, they don't give me any sort of solace. I'm sure I'm not alone here. I mean good for them, but they never wanted to drink anyway. Who cares!

And I have not used the word "can’t" today, so I haven't had a chance to replace it with a positive “can” statement. I'll keep my eye out for it though!

Now let's think of a time I have used confirmation bias with my drinking. I have often thought, "I don't drink every day, so clearly I don't have a problem. I can stop whenever I feel like it." Except it got to a point where I never felt like it. "Lots of people drink more than me, and they are fine." Not sure how I know for a fact that those other people are fine. "I still have a job and my home, so it's okay." Clearly I am ignoring the fact that there is such a thing as a functional alcoholic. "Alcohol is the only thing that helps me sleep, and if you don't get enough sleep, it can be really bad for your health and disrupt your life." Boy is that a stupid one!

And wow, that is all the action work for today! On a side note, I finished listening to Sarah Hepola's memoir "Blackout" yesterday. I highly recommend it. She is a great writer, and her story is compelling. I have now started listening to "The Power of Habit." Although not directly related to problem drinking or addiction, so far, it is fascinating to learn how habit works. I'll let you know what I think when I am done!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 4

So, I was supposed to do Day 4 on Friday, but did not have time. On Saturday, I had three social events throughout the day, and by the time I got home, I was able to read the chapter, but there was no way I was going to be able to dive into something so emotional well after midnight.

So today, I have been putting this off. This is a hard one for me. I didn't have a traumatic childhood, but codependency does run rampant with my mother. The thing is, I have gone to therapy of all sorts over the last 20 or so years. I already went through a guided process of writing a letter to my mother maybe about 10 years ago. I think I have forgiven her. We still have a codependent relationship, but at this point, I can better manage it, and I'm not going to go through the "boundaries" conversation with her one more time. She's getting older. She'll be gone one day. She needs me now. And I will be shattered when she leaves this earth. I don't harbor constant anger at her anymore. But then she is the person who comes to mind when I ask myself who I hold the most resentment for.  I'm not mentioning everything, since I already did this letter and forgave her on a number of other things though! And again, I didn't have a traumatic childhood, so I will probably sound ridiculous!

Since I had already done a similar exercise about my mother, I thought, who is the second person I am most angry with? That would be myself. But not in a I did all these terrible things when I was wasted thing. A lot of it was before I ever had a problem.

So I decided to write a letter to both my mother and myself. I don't even know if I am doing these right, but I have got to get something down before I put this off even more. It's at least a start if not complete.
____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I am upset that you never taught me that if I tried hard I could do anything. You never taught me that my dreams could come true. I hate that you always told me I would be missing out on a “normal” life (of getting married, having kids, not struggling for money, and a 9 to 5 job) when I wanted to pursue musical theater in college. I hated that you discouraged me from certain things, like trying out for the dance team in high school because of stupid things like what if I hurt myself. I hate how you still nag me about things as if I am still a young child. I hate that because I am single and childless that all you wants for me is a rich husband, that you don't even care if I like or am attracted to, as if that is the most important thing is to be rich and married, and I couldn't possibly take care of myself. I hate that you think you know what it’s like to date for over 20 years, when you got married when you were 22 and are still married to the same person. I hate that you are so concerned about what you (and I) look like, and what other people look like, as if that is the most important thing in life. I hate that you care so much what others think about you and our family, as if you are still in the 1950’s and you have to keep up appearances. I hate how we have a codependent relationship. In my adulthood, I hated that when I dated a women, and I came out as bisexual to you, and even though you accept that for other people, you were devastated that your own daughter was in a homosexual relationship, and you asked me not to tell any of the family.

I felt like I was not good enough at the things I wanted to pursue because you don't believe dreams can come true and still don’t believe that people can do anything they set their minds to. Even though I didn’t pursue my dreams, I didn’t get this “normal life” that you talked about either, so I feel gypped because I believed I would get one or the other. My self-esteem is wrapped up in what I look like in great part to the importance you have placed on appearance and what others think. It hurts that you don’t believe I am capable of taking care of myself without a man. It hurts that you can’t fully accept my bisexuality. If I had a child, I would support them no matter who they loved, as long as they were happy. I would not be embarrassed to tell anyone.

I’m sorry that I was too afraid to ever tell you how I felt when I was younger, and still sometimes today. I’m sorry that I haven’t created the proper boundaries with you in my adulthood.

I want you to believe that whatever I want to do or whoever I love is good enough and that I can be successful. No matter what or who it is! I want you to believe I can do anything, even if I end up failing. I want you to not care about what you look like or what I looked like all the time.

I understand that you are a product of your upbringing. I know that you were brought up to keep appearances and being gay was not normal in our family. I understand that you did what you did to protect me (e.g. from failure), to try to give me a better life, and only because you loved me and wanted better for me than you had. I forgive you for all these things because I do really love you, and I do know you love me more than anything in the world. I don’t know what I will do without you. I appreciate that you are always there for me still, and you listen to what I have to say as an adult sometimes and even take my advice sometimes.

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Me,

I am the most angry with you. I am angry you think that if you aren't number one at something, then you shouldn’t do it, and you quit, as a child. I am angry that you thought everything comes naturally, and you shouldn’t have to try that hard to get it. I am angry that you didn’t believe in yourself enough. I am angry that you didn’t work hard enough, practice hard enough, or focus enough to be better at what you wanted to do. I regret that you did not try harder to pursue music and other things you enjoyed when you were younger and more capable and alcohol was not a problem in my life. I am so mad at you for not taking it more seriously, not believing you could do it, being afraid to fail, and not feeling good enough.

I hate that you gained all this weight back that you worked so hard to lose. I feel like you are a failure, and I am having a hard time forgiving you. No one forced food down your throat. No one forced you to drink. No one forced you to stop working out. You made all those decisions. You did this to yourself. You undid your own success and wasted the last four years getting fatter, when you could be healthier still and feeling good about yourself. I feel like an idiot. I hate you for this sometimes.

I resent that you often listen to your mother about what you should do still in your 40s a lot of the time because you can’t make a decision. I regret you listening to her when it came time to decide to put your cat down. I feel guilty that you did not take care of her better because many of the times you were drinking and either forgot or just didn’t feel like dealing with trying to give her the medicine. You were selfish because you were sick of taking care of her and didn’t want to spend thousands of dollars trying to save her when there was no guarantee. I feel guilty because you think you cut her life short, when you should have spent all the money in the world to save her like other people do with their pets.

I hate all the times you decided to drink when you knew you really shouldn't and woke up in the morning hating yourself. 

With all these things, you sometimes feel worthless, unlovable, like a failure, and not living up to the world’s expectations.

I’m sorry that you didn’t try harder. I’m sorry you were incapable of believing in yourself at times. I’m sorry you were afraid to fail. I’m sorry that you compared yourself to other people. I’m sorry that you often used alcohol to cope instead of trying. I'm sorry you didn't have the willpower. I'm sorry you were too sad to realize just how bad things were sometimes.

I want you to believe in yourself now. I want you to realize that you are worth something, you are lovable, and you are a success, and you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. I want you to know you did the very best you were capable of in trying to take care of your cat, and she is no longer suffering. You cannot change the past, so let it go. You may have made poor decisions, but you can start to make better ones. Failures happen so that successes can be appreciated. You are a good person, and you deserve forgiveness and happiness.

____________________________________________________________________________

And then there's this business of making a list of other people I need to forgive, so I can do this exercise with them later. To keep anonymity, their names will not be used.

1) My ex-boyfriend from about 4 years ago
2) My best friend from my late-twenties
3) My other best friend from my late-twenties

Also, I did look in the mirror and say "I love myself." Several times in fact. I posted a note on my bathroom mirror that says that. I also read the forgiveness affirmation, I read my "New Me" this morning, and I memorized and said aloud my 30-Day Vision Statement too. Whew... finally done with Day 4... it took me 3 days!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 3

Completely understanding this pendulum solution. Not that I really like it. I hate that we have to feel pain to appreciate pleasure. I hate that we get tricked into the temporary pleasure of overindulging in alcohol, only for that pendulum to swing further into that pain when it fades away. I suppose someday I will think of experiencing that extreme as a gift. It's a little hard to feel that way now.

I did as instructed and re-read my "before me" and "new me" journal entries from Day 2. I'm not quite sure if my "before me" is associated with enough major pain, or if my "new me" is associated with descriptive and specific enough pleasure to be as effective as possible, but it's all I can pull together right now. I really did try to actually feel both. I really do feel like I need to keep reading my "before me" for a while to remind me of the pain.

Soooo, lastly, I'm supposed to journal a quit-drinking strategy... a detailed action plan to stay sober. I've already managed to stay sober for 25 days without any sort of an action plan. I just made up my mind. I do drink club soda and lime instead of vodka sodas. I even still have alcohol in the house, and I haven't touched it. I feel like I am sounding conceited, like it's been a breeze for me. And not to say I don't have any cravings, but they have become less and less. But I might just be in a fuzzy pink cloud stage, leading me to think that I've got so much going for me, that I've come this far, and that it's only going to get easier. I know logically it is not, so I should really have a plan here.

QUIT-DRINKING STRATEGY
What I am going to do to stay sober and when I have a craving:

• I will distract myself with other things, such a game, calling someone, hobbies, or taking a walk.
• I will have a club soda and lime, even at home, so it feels like I am having a vodka soda.
• I will reach out to my friends who do not drink as much to do non-alcohol related activities.
• I will find new opportunities for sober social events to meet new people like me.
• I can call my mother for support.
• Each week I stay sober, I get a special chocolate or dessert.
• At 60 days sober, I will treat myself to some sort of spa service.
• I will put away $1 for every day I stay sober, and buy something special with it after a year.

It might need adjusting. It likely needs to be more specific. But I'm going with this for now.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 2 (Part 2)

I didn't receive any feedback in the forum on my 30-Day Vision Statement from yesterday, so I'll keep it the way I have it! I've written it down on a notecard for my bedside table, so that I can read it every morning.

Now, given my emotion when I read the chapter for Day 2, I was sort of dreading completing the remainder of the action items. I put it off until pretty late tonight. I was only relieved that I didn't have a long chapter to read before doing it tonight! I did listen to the guided recording on the companion website for inspiration. Here is what I came up with...

“Before Me”

What caused me to want to cut back or quit drinking...

The number one reason was that I am concerned about the consequences of my drinking on my health. In February of this year, I started getting hypnic jerks, also known as sleeps starts, that would keep me from falling asleep, sometimes for hours. They would happen while I was still practically awake and very lucid. They would scare me and I was sleep deprived. It seemed the only thing that kept them from happening was drinking enough alcohol to woo my body from wake to sleep stage. My drinking escalated quite a bit over those months, both in quantity and regularity, often drinking copious amounts every night for weeks. The nights I didn’t drink, I would get terrible jerks. Eventually, even the alcohol didn’t seem to completely cease the jerks. I had a sneaking suspicion that my heavy drinking was actually causing it. That my body had now gotten used to having alcohol in my system when going to sleep, and without it, it wasn’t able to breakthrough to the sleep cycles. I thought my body was defying me, but it was as if it was confused and telling me to wake up because we didn’t have the alcohol we needed in our system to go to sleep. Truth be told lately, I had been passing out and blacking out more and more. I was concerned what that might be doing to my brain, especially with Alzheimer’s in the family.

Beyond that, I lost a lot of weight in 2012, and had steadily gained almost all of it back by the beginning of 2017. I was now back in the “obese” category. I had been struggling with trying to get the weight back off since 2013, not to mention I felt like a failure for gaining all this weight back after working so hard. The stress of worrying about my health and the sleepless nights with scary body jerks sent my anxiety and depression through the roof by March. I broke down crying at my annual physical. My blood work ended up showing I was pre-diabetic and my triglycerides and “bad” LDL cholesterol were high. I have already been on medication for high blood pressure since my mid-30’s. I found out my results on a work trip, in which I also found out my 68-year-old uncle who drinks every night had had a stroke. I had a panic attack walking to dinner that night, and I cured it with a few glasses of wine and a phone call to my mom. I have used alcohol to escape my depression and anxiety a great deal on and off over the past 20 years.

I have been non-productive so many times because of choosing to drink instead and then the next day because of the hangovers. I haven’t really made any life goals, so instead I drink. I was so sick of failing at weight loss. I was so sick of failing to cut back. I have often said my biggest problem with losing weight was drinking. And I even have guilt that I was unable to take care of my sick cat properly because I spent too much time drinking, nursing my hangovers, and worrying about myself. Thank god I don’t have children or a spouse.

And because I am single and childless, it is so much easier to hide the amount of alcohol I drink. No one is here at home to see it. I “pre-drink” before meeting up with friends. I would venture to say that my friends and family are not truly worried about my alcohol consumption because they never actually saw most of it.

And speaking of being single, I do want to attract the right relationship. My last three major relationships revolved around alcohol in some form or another, and I drank more to hide the pain and and avoid the fact that they really were not the right person for me. In one of those relationships, we had terrible fights that were fueled by alcohol, and I would push him. I would cringe when I was sober and think to myself, who is that girl? I’m not at all violent. Fortunately, I was never like that in any other relationship, including the ones after that, but I know the alcohol exacerbated my actions.

I do feel like alcohol is a big part of my social life. It has masked my general anxiety and social anxiety. It has become my identity in a way. Everyone knows me for being the life of the party. I often want to be the center of attention. Everyone laughs at my stories. Everyone knows me for having a high tolerance too. I don’t talk as much, if at all, when I am sober. I don’t get as many laughs when I’m sober. I'm afraid to be the center of attention when I am sober. I fear talking to new people when I am sober. I am afraid to do new things when I’m sober. I am afraid to date when I’m sober. I’m afraid to have sex when I’m sober. I don’t feel like me when I’m sober. 

I am afraid that I will have to quit entirely. I am afraid my life will change so much. I often fool myself into thinking lots of people drink as much as I do, and they are fine, as if I’ve seen their blood work or live in their bodies. I’ve often convinced myself that I am fine with cutting my life short for the thrill of a "party-hard," "anxiety-reducing," "glamorous," "fun" drinking lifestyle. More times than not, it's not any of those things. At an event the week before I quit drinking, I was having a conversation with a friend about some sort of health issue, and I raised my drink and said, "This is what is going to kill me!" with a smile and a boisterous laugh. Sad.

“New Me”

My vision of what I really want in life and what sobriety will give me...

I feel amazing thriving in sobriety. I have boundless energy. I am so proud of myself. I believe in myself. I am content, calm, and comforted going to bed sober, and I sleep peacefully throughout the night. Waking up without a hangover is enlightening and refreshing, and I am grateful every morning.

There are a number of things I accomplish as I thrive in sobriety. I do volunteer work. I try new activities. I am active. I might try a new sport or take up a new hobby or pick back up an old hobby, such as singing, dancing, piano, acting, or photography. I finally learn Spanish, and start speaking to my fluent friends. I finally get my passport and plan a trip to Italy and other international destinations. I welcome doing new things and talking to new people, and sometimes I even relish being the center of attention in my sobriety.

I put in the effort to determine what my true passion and purpose is in my career and in life, and I take the necessary steps to achieve that. I have the energy, the drive, and the time to dedicate to this. I am better able to manage the work I have in my current career. I have more money in the bank, not spending it all on alcohol and bars every weekend. I even earn extra money from the blogs I now have more time to write.

I find a loving and supportive partner because the person I am in my sobriety attracts someone who is right for me. I am in true love, and I am abundantly loved. I am married. I enjoy sex so much more in my sobriety. I revel in my self-confidence, and I feel sexy in my own skin. I am skinny, in shape, and healthy. I have accomplished maintaining a healthy weight, my blood pressure is normal, and my bloodwork is perfect. I do not worry about my health. I feel good. I have a glow and a presence that is irresistible. I am vibrant. I have a circle of friends who support me, love me, and are fun to spend time with even without alcohol. My appreciation of humankind is overflowing. I have found my own sense of spirituality. I am thankful for the time I still have left on this earth and the extra time that sobriety has given me.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 2 (Part 1)

Well, I made it to Day 2, the Purpose Solution! :) I have to say that I was slightly overwhelmed when I started reading this chapter. I got a little teary eyed. It became evident that I really don't have any life goals, and clearly this has opened the doors to using alcohol inappropriately. In all the years of therapy, group sessions, and books I've read, etc., I guess I never made this huge connection.

Given the magnitude and importance of the Day 2 action items, and the fact that it is already past 2AM again, I decided that I would break this chapter up into two parts. Which means it looks like I will finish this program somewhere in between 30 and 60 days, but I owe it to myself to put some effort into this.

Now, for today, I will simply focus on the first action item, which is creating a 30-day vision statement. Even this seems daunting. Yet another psychological tip-off that I avoid creating goals like the plague. I mean, what if I fail? It's surely easier to drink when you have nothing planned, right? Geez. it's like it's so simple, yet it is so tremendous. Here is what I came up with:

My 30-Day Vision Statement
I have a clear mind, and I am vibrant. I feel amazing both mentally and physically. My sleep is peaceful. I accept full responsibility for my actions, yet I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love. I am grateful and proud that I have maintained sobriety.

There, I did it! I'm going to post it in the forums on the companion website as well to try to get some feedback. Then I can dig into the meat of this chapter... my "before you" and "new you" stories.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 1

Welcome to my official journal for The 30-Day Sobriety Solution: How to Cut Back or Quit Drinking in the Privacy of Your Own Home. Here I will be writing down the answers to action step exercises, and sharing my thoughts on the content for the day, as well as my progress and setbacks.

Today was Day 1, the 100% Solution. (Well, actually yesterday was because it's after 2AM now! I'm such a night owl.) I've already been completely sober 21 days. I had already intended to stay sober for 30 days, but then I ran across this book, and the program requires staying sober for at least 30 days. There is nothing saying it has to coincide with the daily reading and action items. In fact, one of the first action items is to decide during the first week when you will stop drinking for the 30 days. Regardless, I might just stay off the sauce for a few weeks longer to complete the entire program. That will be a total of 51 days. And then we will see if I choose to drink. Obviously, I have not committed to staying sober long term. I would like to try to see if I can moderate. But I am absolutely 100% committed to completing this program and staying sober for at least 30 days!

You can chose to do the program in 60 or 90 days, but given that I already have three weeks sober down, I guess I sort of want to get through this as fast as I can. That seems like a selfish and dumb idea just in an effort to get back to drinking sooner. But also, maybe it is me making a concerted decision to focus on this every day.  So 30 days it is.

Now, I was supposed to listen to the Time Travel Technique guided exercise. And I did. You listen to it with your eyes closed and relaxed breathing. At this time of night (or day, really), it doesn't matter what position you are in, you get sleepy, right? I was supposed to imagine my self at 5 years and then at other years. I honestly just couldn't get into it. My first setback I suppose. But I m just going to resolve to revisit this exercise again in the near future.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

The Beginning...

This blog... this is the beginning of something new, but it's certainly not the beginning (or the end, for that matter!) of my story. Maybe you are curious as to how I got here... aspiring to be a reformed party girl.

Here's the short version. I'm in my early 40's. I've been drinking in varying amounts for over 20 years. I have dealt with anxiety all my life, and I have had some bouts of major depression in my 30's. This year, I started having debilitating sleep issues that may or may not be related to my use of alcohol. I decided that the only way I would know is if I cut out alcohol for a while. So I did. That was 21 days ago.

Is my sleep better? Yes. But my sleep issues are not entirely gone. Does that mean I'm quitting forever? I don't know. Right now, I say no. But this has given me the opportunity to give myself a good, long(ish), open-minded break from booze, allowing me to examine my relationship with alcohol.

I will say that I am also in the process of trying to lose weight and get healthier since May 1st, so I have changed my eating habits, and I aim to walk at least 6 days a week. During those walks, I decided to start listening to audiobooks on the subject of cutting back or quitting, so I began with This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Rediscover Happiness & Change Your Life. I decided to also mix in biographies and memoirs of those who have suffered the grip of alcohol dependence, so I listened to Between Breaths: A Memoir of Panic and Addiction, and I am currently listening to Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget. I then stumbled upon an eBook I could checkout through my library called The 30-Day Sobriety Solution: How to Cut Back or Quit Drinking in the Privacy of Your Own Home, and I just got to Day 1 today.

Part of this program is journaling. So, I figure documenting it... putting it out there in this blog will be an honest way for me to confront what I am thinking, doing, and learning through this process. And maybe along the way, someone will read it and it might help them to not feel so alone or maybe they will have a life epiphany. At the very least, maybe just one person will find it interesting, or dare I say entertaining? haha

So I have a place to start. I'm starting with Day 1. Let's see if we can get to Day 30, shall we?