Geez, I am struggling to want to do today's action steps or any of the (what seems like thousands of!) ongoing steps I should be doing daily. I managed to get the chapter read. It took me a damn hour. I'm so close to finishing the program, yet I'm still supposed to continue doing at least 15 of these steps on the daily? talk about feeling overwhelmed. And doing these life purpose type things, like today's action steps, scares the crap out of me because I, honest to god, don't know what the hell my purpose is and I don't know what I want. I don't know if what I want is for selfish intentions such as attention or because I think that's what my family or the world at large expect me to do. And just tonight, I was watching another freaking show on the Laci Peterson murder (yes, I know, I am not supposed to be taking in that negativity, but damn it if these types of shows don't fascinate me!), and I thought to myself, what was Laci's life purpose? She was freaking murdered so young and with her unborn child. Did she really have to die for the rest of the world to learn some sort of lesson? What about anyone whose life is needlessly cut short by disease or just plain evil? This is where I get stuck in the whole everyone is born with a purpose thing. Several of my drunken journal entries over the years have pondered these thoughts, wondering why there are people who are desperate to live and do good for the world, when I just sit here like a bump on a log with nothing I'm passionate about, no burning desire to start and take care of a family or heal the world. Surely I am not here to be take care of my cat? I'm not even really that good at that. So here I haw and hem and struggle. Looks like today is going to be another two-parter.
I did make an effort. As part of action step #1, it was suggested that I ask friends and family what my what they think I am good at and what my unique talents are over the next few weeks. Well, I shot off a few text messages, and unsurprisingly, I heard back form the three people I knew would respond fairly quickly. My mom, my dad, and my good friend who is really into self-actualization type stuff. So at least I start. At least I read the chapter. And I've been thinking about the questions in the action steps in my head. At least it's a start. But of course, today got away from me, and I just couldn't wrap my head around this tonight. It's an important one, and there are several items to consider under the 4 action steps. So, yeah... I'll try tomorrow.
Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl
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