Saturday, August 5, 2017

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 15, Part 2

30 Day Sobriety Solution: Day 15, part 2
I think I am getting burnt out. I just do NOT want to do this today. I barely wanted to do it last night. I still don't want to do it. What is my problem? I don't know, maybe I just want a day where I don't have to think about myself, or what I want, I just want to freaking go about my day, enjoy it, and not have to do a million readings and affirmations and visions and tapping and whatever else. Yes, I am frustrated and burned the hell out. And only after 15 damn days.

But here I am. I am going to finish this day's action steps, but I am pretty certain I am going to half-ass it. I see lots of people saying this is a critical step, but I'm sorry, I don't know what the freak it smells like to thrive in sobriety! Seriously! Smells like? I don't pay attention to smells other than the candles in my home, which smell that way whether I am drunk or sober, by the way. I'm supposed to be oh so detailed, and I just want to run a few scenarios through my head quickly and be done with it. Blah blah, there I am sober having a freaking amazing time. (Clearly, I am still having a hard time believing this. I don't know what the thriving in sobriety version of me looks like. I'm not sure she exists.

So just a little while ago, I thought, I've been sober for a while now, I have had plenty of sober weekends. And then I counted. I'm on my sixth weekend now. I guess that's not really very much. The first weekend, I was pretty much white-knuckling it. But the question is, have I had fun on these other weekends? Yes, at some points, I've done some social things, some shopping, some relaxing at the pool. But I can't honestly say that I am just having SOOOO MUCH FUUUUUNNNN that being sober is SOOOOO AMAZING. Most of the time I would have preferred to have a drink in hand, but I didn't have much of a problem not drinking. I have spent my weekends basically avoiding doing anything that has to do with drinking. I have completely avoided my best friends because all they do on the weekend is drink. They've done pub crawls, and day drinking, and gone to our regular bar. And here I sit instead doing these freaking mind-exploding emotional over the top exercises thinking about myself and how amazing my life is going to be when I order a f@#ing club soda at the bar I was a regular at. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. ...feel the sarcasm.

So as you can see, I am not there yet. I clearly don't fully believe my life is going to be as exciting, and I have a long freaking way to go. And that upsets me. Whatever, let me get on with half-assing the descriptions of not just one, but THREE visions, that I need to think about every day. UGH. Then I can get on with my boring Saturday night of drinking club soda by myself, watching TV. At least I will be able to stop thinking about myself and all the 9 million steps I'm so supposed to take. Thank god I get special chocolates tonight for another week of not drinking. Don't judge the sugar either. I freaking deserve it.

Action Step #1: Create 3-5 mental images or movies to visualize. Write them down in your journal and visualize at least once a day:

VISUALIZATION #1: See myself ordering a club soda at the bar we always go to and still having fun:
I am laughing so hard my face is scrunched up, and I look so confident and beautiful and radiant. Everyone is looking at me like I am the most amazing person on earth. I am super skinny and have new clothes. I can smell the limes in my club soda. People are not reacting to the fact that I just ordered a club soda. In fact, more people are coming over and talking to me because I exude so much self-confidence.

VISUALIZATION #2: See myself when I was in high school and we placed in national competition for the first time.
I was always sober in high school. I am wearing my red sparkly dress, and all my friends are around me. We are so excited, overwhelmed, elated, grateful, happy, joyous. In fact tears of joy. Everyone is hugging one another. I can't stop smiling. I am healthy and spunky and skinny. We performed our hearts out. I was sober the entire trip. I had so much fun and even started dating someone during that trip. It was genuine fun and joy.

VISUALIZATION #3: ..... nothing...

I DON'T F$%$KING KNOW. I just can't with this. They want me to imagine an entire weekend full of fun. When the hell does that ever happen? IT DOESN'T!!! This is not even realistic to me. I can't imagine an entire weekend of fun without alcohol. And there it is. I am sobbing. SOBBING!!! I can't freaking imagine it. If I can't imagine it, it's not going to happen. I am so upset. My emotions are spinning all over the place, and half of me just wants to go get a drink right now because clearly, I can't even imagine not drinking again, so I might as well go ahead and get it over with now!!! I've already done my 30 days. EFF THIS!!!

....But I won't. I'm too much of a perfectionist. And I'm already down this rabbit hole, and I'm not going to screw up my commitment to 60 days sober. That's all I've committed to. That and doing this damn program. This was about cutting back, not quitting forever. I know they use the term "sobriety" as cutting back too. And now that I think of it, I can actually imagine having an entire weekend of fun just cutting back. I don't need to be wasted, but I truly cannot yet think of an entire weekend without a single drop. I guess that just pisses me off and makes me sad. I shouldn't feel that way. But the truth is, I am just not there yet.

So sorry, I'm just not going to do 3 visualizations. I am good with 2 right now. Maybe my brain needs some more solutions and some more changes to get me to have more than 2 visualizations. I just don't want to think about this crap anymore right now. I'm done.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

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