Tuesday, August 22, 2017

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 27 & Day 28

30 Day Sobriety Solution: Day 27 & 28
So today should have been my last day of the program. Whoopsies. Instead, I sort of went off the grid there for a few days. The truth is that I had plans right after work on Friday, and I didn't get home until after midnight. I did actually read the chapter for Day 27 when I got home, but I was falling asleep while reading it. So technically at least I did something on Friday. When I saw there were 5 action steps though, I decided that since Day 28 was a review day, I could just do the 2 days together on Saturday. And that's whoopsies #2. I again had social plans and some errands to do, so time got away from me, and again I didn't get home until late. I was exhausted and just couldn't commit my brain to doing any action steps. On to whoopsies #3. Sunday. I just plain old, flat out did not feel like doing it. So Saturday and Sunday, I didn't do any work on this. I didn't read my Total Sobriety Solution, didn't do any breathing exercises, didn't wake up and list what I am grateful for, etc, etc... I did nothing. And you know what? For part of Sunday and today, I was a little blue. Perhaps because I didn't do all the positive things I'm supposed to be doing? Perhaps. Also, Day 26, The Love and Relationship Solution, just doesn't seem to really apply much to me. You'll see in my action steps. But here I am, making myself do them...

Action Step #1: Write down all the negative impacts drinking had on my relationships:
The only things I can think of is that I was doing less social things because it was cheaper to drink alone, and in the few short romantic relationships I was in, I just know that we both drank heavily, and it was an issue. My romantic partner did not, however, see it as an issue. Because I do not have a family of my own, I don't live with my parents, I have a small circle of friends, and I live alone, I really made it easy to not affect my relationships so much. There were no promises to anyone that I didn't keep. I know in my 20's and 30's, there were a few things that might have hurt my friends, but I am no longer friends with those people, because they drank just as much, and hurt me as well.

Action Step #2: Listen to the Merge Meditation:
Yeah, I couldn't even get through that. Just like the exploding head one (or whatever it was called) and visualization in general. I am horrible at it. I don't know what the drunk me looks and with all my senses (seriously, what does drunk me taste like?!? LOL). I can't seem to visualize anything crystal clear. It's all very vague. I guess this is just one of those solutions that is just not going to be in the set I keep up.

Action Step #3: Create a list of relationships I need to clean up:
As I stated in action step #1, I don't think there are any relationships I need to clean up. In fact, there was one friend I hurt in my 20's that I went to great lengths to apologize to, and the others have been out of my life for over 10 years. The person I was and how I behaved back then is different from now anyway. I still have to say I forgive myself in the mirror each day when I do remember something stupid I did that hurt a friend, so the only person I need to keep working on cleaning up a relationship, is with myself. I am lucky that I did not have a spouse and children to hurt.

Action Step #4: Write down my broken agreements:
I have never agreed to someone that I was going to cut back or quit in the past and not done it. The only thing that I have agreed to many times is making social plans, and then backing out because I just did't want to, would rather drink by myself at home, or was too hungover. I can't pinpoint all the times, the specific event, and to whom I backed out on. And the truth is, I still back out of social engagements when I am sober, just not as often. That's a part of me trying to do the social things I think I should do, and then realizing I don't have the desire and I don't want to deal with the social anxiety.

Action Step #5: Make a list of everyone I spend time with and then rank those relationships:
Because this blog is anonymous, I don't want to write out the actual names of my friends. I have honestly stopped hanging out with my party friends a while ago because I gained a lot of weight back and didn't feel good about going out with them anymore. My circle of friends has gotten very small, and only two of them go out drinking every weekend, yet they don't pressure me to drink. In fact, I went out with them to dinner finally on Friday, and they had less than 2 drinks and went home when I did. All of the few other friends that I have have do not drink nearly as much as me, so I am trying to hang out with them more! I don't hang out with my parents or any other family members because they don't live here. I actually want to make more friends, but what is different is that I want to make friends that don't like to drink a lot, whereas before I think in my head I wanted more friends that drink more than me so I didn't look so bad and I had an excuse to drink excessively!


Now technically I need to do Day 28 as well, and it's a review day! Yay. Oh dang. I guess I actually should review. So I am going to go back through the companion site... at some point, but it's getting late tonight. But not so fast, I did promise on Day 26 that I would listen to the "Rediscovering Your Joy" guided process on review day. And here we are. It's funny because I already thought about this topic today, as I've been listening to Rachel Hart's "Take a Break from Drinking" podcast during my walks, and in Episode 25 Creating vs. Consuming Fun, and she asked listeners to think about a time when you were not drinking where you created your fun. I can think of times I tried to put together a community play of "Annie" (but only ever deciding on who would play what part and never getting much further than listening to the record of the cast recording), or making up lip sync routines, or designing buttons and gizmos out of paper, cups, and crayons to tape to the side of the picnic table to turn it into our spaceship, or playing waitress (because this was my dream job as a child), or riding bikes, or playing on the slip 'n' slide. All things that sound great to kids. None of it seems quite as exciting as an adult. (Okay, maybe the slip 'n' slide.) I know I can create my own joy, but it's not exactly the same as the last time I didn't drink. I was under the age of 18. Now I'm in my 40's. I get it, I get it. It's just not an exact correlation. I think to myself, yes, I do like creative things, and yes, I enjoy going to the museum without a drink, but is it the most fun and exciting? No. What was more fun was going out for drinks afterward. So yeah, I'm still struggling with this.


Until tomorrow (hopefully for real this time... haha)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

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