30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 10

Alright! I'm in the double digits now! One-third of the way there! Of course, I still have a ton of other things to do today and well, it's evening now, so let's get cracking on this Core Values Solution!

Action Step #1.a: Review the list of possible core values in the book, and write down the core values that stand out to you:

• Authenticity
• Appreciation
• Comfort
• Creativity
• Fun
• Generosity
• Happiness
• Humor
• Integrity
• Self-reliance
• Tolerance

As suggested, I went with my gut instinct. It was hard to determine if I truly valued that, or if it was something I think I should value.

Action Step #1.b: Think of situations, people, or movie/TV characters that really upset, offend, or anger you, and write down which of your values are compromised in each situation:

• Donald Trump. Everything he does violates my core values of integrity, generosity, and tolerance.
• People who don't tip bartenders or servers, but that's mostly because I was a server before, and I know they don't make enough without tipping. So I guess that violates integrity or generosity.
• People who can't take a joke. And I don't mean a mean one that someone continually jokes on someone about. Just people with out a sense of humor. Clearly, this violates my value of humor. 
• People who use religion as a form of hate. This violates integrity, generosity, and tolerance.

Action Step #1.c: Think of the people (dead or alive) whom you admire the most, and write down the values or emotions you respect most about these people:

• My Papa. He always seemed genuine and loved everyone. He loved to tell jokes. He loved painting. I don't remember him ever lying. He was never mean. He just had a wonderful aura about him. The values of appreciation, authenticity, comfort, courage, creativity, dependability, fun, generosity, happiness, honestly, humor, integrity, joy, love, loyalty, tolerance, and truth come to mind when I think of him.
• Michelle Obama and President Obama. Ok, I put them together, but I have so much respect for them both. They were both classy, and in the face of some many nay-sayers and adversity, worked hard to do what they felt was right for our country, while continuing to be respectable citizens and role models for their children and the world. The values of accountability, achievement, appreciation, authenticity, courage, honesty, influence, integrity, justice, passion, patience, strength, success, tolerance, and wisdom come to mind.

Action Step #1.d: From your list, pick 10 values you identity with most and write down how your drinking has played a role in contradicting or violating each of these:

• Authenticity: I don't suppose I was always being my true self when drinking. In fact, I can remember times someone told me I did something that I can't remember doing, and I thought, I can't believe I did that.
• Appreciation: I was not think I was necessarily doing anything that people appreciated me for when I was drinking, except for maybe buying people drinks on occasion!
• Comfort: I gained a false sense of comfort when drinking. It was temporarily helping my sleeping issues. I was temporarily not anxious about anything, and therefore felt comfort, but then I was become even less comfortable when I was not drinking.
• Creativity: I believed that I was more creative sometimes when drinking, but I would often get side-tracked with other things or just not feel like doing whatever creative thing I was trying to accomplish after a certain point.
• Fun: There have been some seriously fun moments while drinking. I am not going to lie. But there have been many other moments where I have cried. I have written things in my journal or said things out loud that were very sad, and often I did not feel the same when sober the next day. The drinking intensified my sadness and insecurities if I drank too much, if I drank past the "fun point."
• Generosity: Buying people drinks on occasion is generous, but I am most likely thinking only of myself when I am drinking. Luckily, I don't have a family that has gotten the short end of the stick from my drinking. But, perhaps I said something inappropriate or mean to someone that I would not have when I was sober. 
• Happiness: (see fun.)
• Humor: I have to say that I laugh a lot and make jokes when I am drinking with friends. Everything is hysterical. But again, see "fun." Eventually, I take it too far, and when I am drinking alone, sadness seeps in, and I am no longer laughing.
• Integrity: Do I really give a crap about my integrity when I am drinking? I'm sure I don't. I get more bent out of shape about things than I would when I'm sober. In my younger years, I ended up going home with people I would not have sober. Luckily, I am more of the anti-going home with people at this age. I would venture to say integrity is still not a priority when I drink.
• Self-reliance: Ummm, yeah. All those times you couldn't find... your purse, your phone, your money, your jacket... and you needed someone else to help you find it. When you've needed help walking or getting upstairs because you were so drunk. I definitely need other people when I am drinking, and rely less on myself.
• Tolerance: I am much more quick to anger and be upset by anything when I am drinking. I may not change my major social beliefs, but I am definitely less tolerant about little things, such as how long it takes to get my drink.

Action Step #2: Update your 30-Day Vision Statement (Day 2) and Goals (Day 6) with some of your core values:

I just have to say first that I am slightly annoyed that I have to change my vision statement. I already memorized it! Okay, I will survive. Moving on....

Updated 30-Day Vision Statement:

I have a clear mind, I am vibrant, and I am full of happiness. I feel amazing both mentally and physically. My sleep is peaceful and comforting. Creativity flows through me, and my humor is amplified. I accept full responsibility for my actions, yet I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love. I am grateful and proud that I have maintained sobriety.

Updated Goals:

#1: I will have stayed sober for 60 days in a row, allowing my authenticity to thrive, by Friday, August 25, 2017, at 3:00 AM EST.

#2: Every night by 4:00 AM, I will have completed either that day’s reading and/or finished the action steps for the 30-Day Sobriety Solution, and spent 5 minutes or more writing here in my journal until I have completed the program by 4:00 AM on Friday, September 8, 2017.

#3: I will continue to look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that my appreciation for myself, happiness, and self-reliance will grow, and I will truly begin to feel that way by the time I complete this program.

Now I have to write up new notecards...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 9

I sadly feel very unaccomplished for the day. I cannot even believe that it is after 5:30 pm! I have actually accomplished almost all of what was on my things to do list, but I guess I thought I would get them all done much sooner and have many hours to relax and do what I want to do today. Not so much. But the good news is I will not be staying up until 3 or 4 AM to finish my action steps today! Woo hoo! So let's get cracking!

Action Step #1: My top 3 worries related to problem drinking, what I have done in this program to date, and what I will do over the remaining days of this program, to address them:

1. I worry about how drinking is affecting my health. Since starting the program, I haven't had to worry about this because I haven't been drinking, and my sleep has, in fact, already gotten better. Continuing to abstain or cut back on my drinking as I go along in this program will address this worry.
2. I worry that I won't be "cool" anymore, I won't be fun anymore,  I will be the person that everyone says "I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink" about, and I will never find a life partner. Okay, maybe that's a lot of things all together! But the first directly relate to why I think I will never get a partner. I have tried to remind myself that it doesn't matter what everyone thinks. I'm making an attempt to connect to other people who don't drink, virtually and in person, and reminding myself that I don't think they are not cool or not fun. I also have to remind myself that I am making all-or-nothing statements in thinking that everyone will not think I'm cool and think I'm no fun, everyone will make that statement about me, and that every single person is looking for a girl who parties every weekend. In fact, I bet there are people who have seen me drunk who think I am not cool and/or not fun, and I just don't know about it! I just have to keep saying those things to myself as I go through the program and work on surrounding myself with people who don't equate the fun in their lives to the amount of alcohol they consume!
3. I worry that I will be too shy and anxious to do anything socially, and I will not meet new people. Although I do have shy and introverted tendencies, I have to remind myself that I do interact with other humans sober on the daily, like when I am at the grocery store or work, so I am perfectly capable of talking to strangers without alcohol! I also made myself attend two social events in which I didn't know anyone last weekend to prove to myself that I can do new things with alcohol. Sure, I felt anxiety leading up to the events, and those first few minutes of locating the place, finding the people, and feeling foolish asking the wrong people sucked, but after about 5-10 minutes, I was fine. I also have to remind myself that I was even still nervous when I did have a few drinks before going out, so what's the point?

Action Step #2: My "tiny habit" of linking my 30-Day Vision Statement to an existing routine:

As in the example in the book, I am going to link saying my memorized 30-Day Vision Statement from Day 2, out loud when possible, every time I use the restroom. This is mostly because it said to pick something that I do at least 5 times a day! I couldn't think of anything else! I'm not even sure I do go to the restroom that many times a day! I guess we will find out. Strange how I had to go to the bathroom when I finished reading the chapter. So, I have officially taken the first step toward making this a mini-habit! :)

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 6

I don't even understand how I barely have time to get this in and end up staying up until 3 or 4 am every night! Maybe I am over thinking it. Maybe it's because I am taking scrupulous notes on each chapter. I am also finding this very draining, so I'm sure I subconsciously put it off. But whatever. I 100% committed, right? I might be losing sleep for 60 days-ish, but commitment is commitment, right?

So, let's get at it, shall we? I need at least three goals that support my 30-Day Vision Statement. These goals must follow the SMART guidelines... Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-Bound. Did I mention that I despise making goals for the performance review process at work? I just want to be all, I am going to do my job really well until I get a new job or die. *LOL* I also hate making goals probably for the fear of not attaining them. I guess that is a form of not believing in myself. But what if my goals are too lofty? And I have horrible judgment when it comes to timing. I am always underestimating the amount of time it takes me to do, well, anything. The idea of having to make it time-bound makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Luckily, the book gave us examples and permission to use them. ;)

GOAL #1: I will have stayed sober for 60 days in a row by Friday, August 25, 2017, at 3:00 AM EST.
[NOTE: I thought it was cheating if I used 30 days because, in about 15 minutes, I'll have already met that goal. WOO HOO!!!]

GOAL #2: Every night by 4:00 AM, I will have completed either that day’s reading assignment, at the minimum, and/or finished the action steps for the 30-Day Sobriety Solution, and spent 5 minutes or more writing here in my journal until I have completed the program by 4:00 AM on Friday, September 8, 2017, if not before that, allowing me 53 days.
[NOTE: You might be wondering why I picked this random number of 53 days. I am going out of town for my cousin's wedding on September 9th, and I have no idea if I will have time to work on this, so I aim to be done before then. Plus I figure I'll need all the tools under my belt before surviving family and a wedding reception!]

GOAL #3: I will continue to look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that I truly begin to feel that way by the time I complete this program. 

I guess I am sort of confused about setting these goals. If these are supposed to be goals specifically for my "30-day" vision statement, why would any of my goal deadlines be set past 30 days? Also, some of the goal examples in the book don't seem possible in 30 days. For example, "I will be a 'normal drinker,' thriving in life with a take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward drinking by [date] at [time]." I would love for that to be true by the time I am done with the program, but I highly doubt that is attainable and realistic! So that doesn't really apply to my 30 Day Vision then, does it? So I left it out. Again, I don't want to get too lofty here!

So now, I must determine a plan to review these goals along with my vision statement at least two times a day. Add that to previous continuing action steps... to review my "new me" statement and the forgiveness affirmation each day for 2-3 weeks too. There is more and more to do each day, and I'm only on Day 6! No wonder I feel so overwhelmed doing this sometimes! Anyway, I'm going to write these down on notecards and keep them with the other things on notecards that are on my night stand to review daily. Off to write out my notecards now...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl