Thursday, August 24, 2017

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 29, Part 2

30 Day Sobriety Solution: Day 29, Part 2
Ugh. I'm still really wanting to put this off, so let's just get right down to it so I don't put it off any longer! I'm just going to go through these questions, and write whatever comes out of my head.

Action Step #1: Write a life purpose statement using the 4-step Life Purpose Exercise:

1. My Passion: 
  • What excites you? Nothing. (Here in lies my biggest problem.)
  • What are you passionate about? Nothing. (Here, my problem continues.)
  • Think about your happiest memories from childhood to now. I always think about being in show choir in high school. I loved it so much. And placing in our first national competition. But that was almost 25 years ago. I also think about the time I was in LA to shoot a commercial. It was such a great time. But I was drunk almost every night celebrating being there. I know I have had may memories, but most of them seem to involve alcohol. But the question did not say that it had to be sober memories.
    • What was it that made you feel most alive? I don't know.
    • What emotions did experience? Pure happiness. Pride. A sense of accomplishment.
    • Did you feel joy, happiness, fulfillment, freedom, love, or an authentic connection? I felt joy, happiness, fulfillment, pride.
    • Who was there? Well, in high school, all my high school friends were there, and  lot of our parents, and a bunch of people we didn't know! At the commercial shoot, I didn't know a soul. They were all new people, but all of us "talent" in the commercial became fast friends. 
  • What are you doing when you lose all sense of time? I feel like I lose sense of time all the time, but I'm usually on my computer or watching TV, or playing games on my phone. I do tend to lose time when I am on vacation doing touristy things. I always think I have more time, and it takes forever to see everything and I then don't get to see everything I wanted!
  • If money wasn't an issue, what would you do? NOT WORK! lol I'm not sure. I guess if I had a bunch of money, I'd go spend it! I'd get a new car, a new house, new clothes, some cosmetic surgery, and the go on a bunch of international trips. There we go, that's what I would do.
  • What are your biggest accomplishments? Already mentioned, because they are the happiest moments of my life. Placing in the national competition in high school show choir and getting on a commercial a few years ago after losing a bunch of weight.
    • What made them significant? Winning. Getting chosen. Feeling accomplished. 
    • Was it how the accomplishment made you feel, the differences you made, or the challenges you had to overcome? How it made me feel. But as for the commercial, i was also proud of the challenges I had overcome to lose the weight.
  • Have you had to overcome specific challenges and through that process realized you can help others do the same? Yes. For a while I blogged about my weight loss journey, and I liked being an inspiration and giving people hope and advice.
Now, look for common threads such as emotions, people or experiences, and determine your passion. I am clearly selfish. I want to feel accomplished. I want to perform. I want people to look to me for winning and my acheivements. Ugh, right now I do not like myself.

2. My Talents and Strengths:
  • What are you good at? Well, the problem is I don't think I'm really that good at anything. I always say I am a "jack of all trades and master of none." I can do a lot of things, I'm not not all necessarily talented at them in my mind. 
  • What would others say you are good at? I mentioned yesterday that I reached out to a couple of people via text. The 3 people I figured would respond did so. Two of which are my parents, and i think they are biased. The others have not responded, and of course I am feeling hurt. Like maybe they can't think of anything I am talented at either, or maybe they just don't like me anymore. Jesus, I am so down on myself. So here are the things I'm supposedly good at:
    • I'm creative and have an eye for design
    • I'm good at organizing events
    • I am disciplined once I set my mind to something (I think I may have someone fooled! But hey, I have been disciplined lately not drinking and committing to this program!)
    • I'm generous
    • I'm loyal
    • I think before I act
    • I am always seeking answers
    • I am able to analyze other's intentions, needs, actions, etc
    • I give people the benefit of the doubt
    • I am kind
    • I am loving
    • I am thoughtful
    • I am smart
    • I sing like an angel
  • How do your strengths and talents relate to your passions? Well the creative part and the singing part relate to performing. The event planning relates to my wanting to feel accomplished.
  • Do you believe you have a specific talent or strength that you haven't taken the time to develop? Yes, like everything. All these things that I can do, but I'm not that great at. But I feel like I don't have a true passion for them because I don't have the drive to pursue them full on.
  • Thinking about your happiest moments again, what strengths or talents were you using to create them? Being disciplined, singing, and being creative, perhaps.
  • Write down at least 3 top strengths before moving forward:
    • creativness
    • event planning
    • Okay wait, I thought of one that I can't believe my parents or my friend didn't say! Everyone always says I am so funny! So my sense of humor.
3. Your Legacy
  • What lasting difference or contribution would you like to make in your life? I have no idea. (More of my problems.)
  • What are you doing to create that today? Clearly nothing, since I don't know.
  • Are you making a difference in your current job? Sort of, but not directly. Some of the things I do help create continuous improvement initiatives at the college I work at, which in turn creates an environment that allows students to graduate, which for many is a huge dream.
  • Are you making a difference in other ways? I used to participate in a monthly charitable event. I used to donate money on a monthly basis, but don't now. I donate money to causes when asked t the grocery store here and there. I participate in an annual volunteer event.
  • Is there a way you can do more of that? I can start donating money again instead of spending it on me. I can get involved in the monthly charitable event again. I have looked into doing a volunteer series and doing some monthly hours at a local community center (so I guess I'm not totally selfish after all.)
4.Your Life Purpose (a two sentence statement based on steps 1-3):
Using my creativity, event planning skills, and sense of humor, I bring joy to the world.

That's all I've got. It's a first draft. Clearly, there is more work to be done on figuring out my passion and purpose. Now, Christ, this is the longest amount of work! That was all just for action step #1!

Action Step #2: Get clear about what you want by visualizing your ideal life in the areas of the "Vision Compass:"

Work and Career: My ideal job would be running a successful blog that paid well, and doing extra work in the movie and television industry as well as commercial gigs. I am a freelance worker, so I work from home. I determine my own hours, and I am my own boss, except of course when I am doing extra work. Someone else is running the show there! I am able to use my creativity and sense of humor. I feel creative, successful, happy, carefree, and accomplished. Managing all this is easy and I am energized now that I am clear-headed.

Finances: My annual income is over $200,000. There is plenty of money in savings, and I am investing in various areas. My net worth is is $500,000. I save so much money now that I am not throwing it away on booze and bars. My ideal home is a townhouse (so I don't have to take care of a yard!) that is modern and brand new in the city. I have been able to decorate it to my exact liking. My artwork is one of a kind that I have picked up at various shows and festivals. I drive a Lexus convertible. I have a large walk in closet with tons of shoes and clothes. I am able to buy new shoes and clothes every month from whatever store I want. Money is no object!

Free Time and Recreation: I go on many international vacations, including to Italy, France, Spain, Germany... just freaking everywhere I have never been! I take weekend road trips to Chattanooga, Asheville, Charleston, and more. Closer to home, I go to musical theater, the opera, museums, art galleries, sporting events, fundraisers/benefits, and all the many restaurants. I am able to have a few drinks here and there, but I have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude when it comes to alcohol. Oh and I do a bunch of things that I already wrote down on Day 26.

Health and Fitness: I am happy and full of energy and vitality. I am flexible and strong. I drink at least 80 fluid ounces of water every day. I run again, participating in the occasional 5K. I go to dance class. I at least try new ways of being active. I only eat until I am truly full and enjoy every bite. I am at my ideal healthy weight. My blood work is perfect. My blood pressure is normal. My body is functioning at its optimum level and is disease-free.

Relationships: I have made many new friends that I can do a variety of things with. These friends are low maintenance and drama-free! I have met and fallen in love with my soulmate.

Personal Goals: I attend personal growth workshops. I work on fine tuning my passion and purpose and aligning my life with that. I am learning new languages. I have learned to play piano again. I am trying new things and enjoying old things that I had stopped doing for a long time. It is easier to accomplish these goals with a clear head.

Contributions to the Larger Community: My community is supportive and mindful. I am surrounded by peaceful, interesting and fun people. I do various volunteer work throughout the community that help me feel needed and helps those who need assistance. I also volunteer in the arts.

I know I should have gone into more detail, but that's 7 freaking things. And I am all over the top about my financial situation.  Who the hell makes that much money blogging and being a movie extra? I know, I'm not supposed to worry about the how, but I was supposed to be super detailed. Back to my issues in step #1, I don't really know what I want or what my passion and purpose is, so how in the hell am I going to be that detailed? 

So an hour in, and I am now in Step #3.

Action Step #3: Write a vision statement that sums up each of the areas. Write them as an affirmation. Include your core values from Day 10. Include strengths, talents, etc.

Honestly, what I wrote for work and career and finances is over the top. This seems stupid. So I'm going to bring it down to reality and be vague BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY FREAKING KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT AND WHAT I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT AND THIS IS PISSING ME OFF AND MAKING ME SAD AT THE SAME TIME. I don't feel like effing little unrealistic little happiness affirmations are going to help. And this is way too much work for one day for me. I feel like working on my passion and purpose is an entire book of at least 30 days on its alone. So I'm going to find a book about passion. Meanwhile, here are my half-assed stupid statements because I said I was going to be 100% committed. I didn't say I was committed to doing it 100% perfectly. I committed to 30 days sober and finishing the program. That's it. So let's do this...

Work and Career: I use my creativity and sense of humor in a job I love.

Finances: I make lots of money because I am a good person and money grows on trees.

Free Time and Recreation: I do a lot of things to enrich my life and others' lives.

Health and Fitness: I am healthy, and skinny, and clear headed.

Relationships: I have great friends and I am married to my soulmate.

Personal Goals: I work on my passion and purpose daily to better myself and keep my mind working.

Contributions to the Larger Community: I do various volunteer work throughout the community that help me feel needed and helps those who need assistance. 

Yeah, I didn't use any core values. I didn't use strengths because, gee, after an hour, I am still not confident about what those are!!! Imagine that! Let's just get on with this.

Step #4: Write down your "why" (what drives you to keep going in life in spite of obstacles):
I don't know. I'm stubborn. It's the only life I have and the only thing I know. I don't know when it is going to end, and I want to enjoy it, not suffer as I had been. I am a good person, and I care about people and the world, and want to honor that. My parents. I don't know what they would do without me.

Oh thank god. I am freaking done. I am having a total aversion to this. I feel like I should have this all figured out. I don't. And it's not going to happen in one freaking day. Make that two, since I started this chapter yesterday. I need this broken down in chunks. Seven different areas of my life, all in one day?!? I'm over it.


Until tomorrow (peace out)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

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