30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 27 & Day 28

So today should have been my last day of the program. Whoopsies. Instead, I sort of went off the grid there for a few days. The truth is that I had plans right after work on Friday, and I didn't get home until after midnight. I did actually read the chapter for Day 27 when I got home, but I was falling asleep while reading it. So technically at least I did something on Friday. When I saw there were 5 action steps though, I decided that since Day 28 was a review day, I could just do the 2 days together on Saturday. And that's whoopsies #2. I again had social plans and some errands to do, so time got away from me, and again I didn't get home until late. I was exhausted and just couldn't commit my brain to doing any action steps. On to whoopsies #3. Sunday. I just plain old, flat out did not feel like doing it. So Saturday and Sunday, I didn't do any work on this. I didn't read my Total Sobriety Solution, didn't do any breathing exercises, didn't wake up and list what I am grateful for, etc, etc... I did nothing. And you know what? For part of Sunday and today, I was a little blue. Perhaps because I didn't do all the positive things I'm supposed to be doing? Perhaps. Also, Day 26, The Love and Relationship Solution, just doesn't seem to really apply much to me. You'll see in my action steps. But here I am, making myself do them...

Action Step #1: Write down all the negative impacts drinking had on my relationships:
The only things I can think of is that I was doing less social things because it was cheaper to drink alone, and in the few short romantic relationships I was in, I just know that we both drank heavily, and it was an issue. My romantic partner did not, however, see it as an issue. Because I do not have a family of my own, I don't live with my parents, I have a small circle of friends, and I live alone, I really made it easy to not affect my relationships so much. There were no promises to anyone that I didn't keep. I know in my 20's and 30's, there were a few things that might have hurt my friends, but I am no longer friends with those people, because they drank just as much, and hurt me as well.

Action Step #2: Listen to the Merge Meditation:
Yeah, I couldn't even get through that. Just like the exploding head one (or whatever it was called) and visualization in general. I am horrible at it. I don't know what the drunk me looks and with all my senses (seriously, what does drunk me taste like?!? LOL). I can't seem to visualize anything crystal clear. It's all very vague. I guess this is just one of those solutions that is just not going to be in the set I keep up.

Action Step #3: Create a list of relationships I need to clean up:
As I stated in action step #1, I don't think there are any relationships I need to clean up. In fact, there was one friend I hurt in my 20's that I went to great lengths to apologize to, and the others have been out of my life for over 10 years. The person I was and how I behaved back then is different from now anyway. I still have to say I forgive myself in the mirror each day when I do remember something stupid I did that hurt a friend, so the only person I need to keep working on cleaning up a relationship, is with myself. I am lucky that I did not have a spouse and children to hurt.

Action Step #4: Write down my broken agreements:
I have never agreed to someone that I was going to cut back or quit in the past and not done it. The only thing that I have agreed to many times is making social plans, and then backing out because I just did't want to, would rather drink by myself at home, or was too hungover. I can't pinpoint all the times, the specific event, and to whom I backed out on. And the truth is, I still back out of social engagements when I am sober, just not as often. That's a part of me trying to do the social things I think I should do, and then realizing I don't have the desire and I don't want to deal with the social anxiety.

Action Step #5: Make a list of everyone I spend time with and then rank those relationships:
Because this blog is anonymous, I don't want to write out the actual names of my friends. I have honestly stopped hanging out with my party friends a while ago because I gained a lot of weight back and didn't feel good about going out with them anymore. My circle of friends has gotten very small, and only two of them go out drinking every weekend, yet they don't pressure me to drink. In fact, I went out with them to dinner finally on Friday, and they had less than 2 drinks and went home when I did. All of the few other friends that I have have do not drink nearly as much as me, so I am trying to hang out with them more! I don't hang out with my parents or any other family members because they don't live here. I actually want to make more friends, but what is different is that I want to make friends that don't like to drink a lot, whereas before I think in my head I wanted more friends that drink more than me so I didn't look so bad and I had an excuse to drink excessively!


Now technically I need to do Day 28 as well, and it's a review day! Yay. Oh dang. I guess I actually should review. So I am going to go back through the companion site... at some point, but it's getting late tonight. But not so fast, I did promise on Day 26 that I would listen to the "Rediscovering Your Joy" guided process on review day. And here we are. It's funny because I already thought about this topic today, as I've been listening to Rachel Hart's "Take a Break from Drinking" podcast during my walks, and in Episode 25 Creating vs. Consuming Fun, and she asked listeners to think about a time when you were not drinking where you created your fun. I can think of times I tried to put together a community play of "Annie" (but only ever deciding on who would play what part and never getting much further than listening to the record of the cast recording), or making up lip sync routines, or designing buttons and gizmos out of paper, cups, and crayons to tape to the side of the picnic table to turn it into our spaceship, or playing waitress (because this was my dream job as a child), or riding bikes, or playing on the slip 'n' slide. All things that sound great to kids. None of it seems quite as exciting as an adult. (Okay, maybe the slip 'n' slide.) I know I can create my own joy, but it's not exactly the same as the last time I didn't drink. I was under the age of 18. Now I'm in my 40's. I get it, I get it. It's just not an exact correlation. I think to myself, yes, I do like creative things, and yes, I enjoy going to the museum without a drink, but is it the most fun and exciting? No. What was more fun was going out for drinks afterward. So yeah, I'm still struggling with this.


Until tomorrow (hopefully for real this time... haha)...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 21

I'm all just hanging out... all chill, like I have nothing to do... oh yeah, I have to journal! It's review and bonus solution day again! Always such a relief! But when you don't have any new action steps, it's easy to forget to journal.  And sadly, there is no bonus solution this week. The further I get on the companion website, there are less and less things. It's like they deserted the effort. The authors and coaches no longer comment in the forums. I think their profiles say they haven't logged on in 6 months, maybe even a year. And this week, one of the authors sent out an email to those of us who are registered on the site that basically proved that he has moved on to a much more lucrative endeavor... a 3-month more intensive program that costs almost $3000 per person. Clearly, he is making more from that then sales from this book! Not to throw him under the bus, I still think reading this book and doing this program is well worth it, and will continue despite the "holes" and lack of support on the companion site.

Now, what do I have to say. I went back and reviewed this week's solutions while I was at the pool. (Also possibly the reason that I forgot I still needed to journal by the time I got home!) I did read my Total Sobriety Affirmation when I woke up this morning... still didn't hit that mid-day mark, but I will do it again before I go to bed. I also woke up and stated out loud some of the things I am grateful for. I've had a pretty laid back, good day. The only thing that was bad was the news. I know, I'm not supposed to watch that negative crap, but when it's all over your facebook and twitter feeds, and the headline notifications on my iPhone. You sit there in disbelief that a town in your home state has been dealing with white supremacist neo-nazi and KKK protests where violence has ensued... it's hard to turn away. Trust that I avoided a lot of it. It makes my heart heavy. I just can't believe there is such ignorance and evil in the world. There is so much to be grateful and hopeful about. I cannot believe we are still dealing with people who want to treat others differently for the color of their skin! What an absolutely groundless mindset! I'd say those people should probably do some of the action steps in this book and worry about their own damn problems!

So I am grateful this evening that I did not have to endure any violence because of my opinion. I am grateful for those who stood up against hate. I am grateful that the people I chose to surround myself with do not hold these limiting beliefs about people of other cultures! And I am grateful for my progress with my own future and continuing to work this program and my 60 days of sobriety!


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 14

Ahhh, another review day. Weekly relief! And a very short chapter read, at that! However, I went back to the companion site and reviewed everything and read my journal entries, and that ended up taking me longer than expected! It was good to review though. I found some videos that I had missed. I practiced tapping again. And now I am supposed to write for at least 5 minutes. :)

It was good to go back through the summaries and what I wrote. It reminded me of some things I had already forgotten about, and I'm sure it reinforced what I learned.

The Bonus Solution is the Relapse Solution. I skimmed it over. There are not any action steps, but it will be a good resource when I get closer to 60 days, and then closer to my cousin's wedding, because I'm not really sure at that point what my decision will be to drink or not to drink. I actually thought about having a vodka soda, and I really didn't want it. It's almost like I am scared to drink it again. Almost like the girl I was in high school. Afraid of how I will respond. Afraid it will mess things up. Will one drink send me down the rabbit hole? Am I fooling myself that I don't have a desire to drink? Will I fail at this whole program? Well, there I go, doubting myself. Not believing in myself. So nope!!!...

This. time. is. different. I love myself, I believe in myself, I forgive myself, and I accept myself. Even though my regular life continues on, I spend time every day working on myself, working to stick to my core values, change my thoughts, and eliminate my limiting beliefs. I choose to be sober right now. I choose to work on myself. I choose to be free.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30 Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 7

Oh my god, oh my god! I could not be happier to see that Day 7 is the Review Day and Bonus Solution! No actual action steps required! Whew! I was really starting to get bogged down and stressed out about doing all these action steps every day. But the truth is, I literally wrote in the companion site forum about having possibly half-assed my goals I wrote yesterday.

So I revisited those. As simple as they may be, I think those really are my goals right now... to get through the "30" days of the program and forgive and love myself. There will be more specific concrete goals later. I am one of those people that once I get going, I want to do a million things... An all-or-nothing person. And right now, it seems I am in an "all" stage. Not that I need to go back to "nothing," but I can keep it simple. As my mother always says, "you can't boil the ocean." It always makes me laugh. Who in the hell wants to boil the ocean? So that being said, I'm leaving those goals as is. Day 6 review, done.

Now, before I review the rest of the week, I decided to check out the bonus solution... the Social Solution. And alas, there are action steps, but they are not deep and emotionally charged like a number of the other ones. Here I need to write down what “I am Not Drinking” excuses are a good fit for me when I am in a social situation that includes alcohol. I had actually already thought about this because I had already been in such a social situation last weekend. Fortunately for me, I don't actually have to make up a small lie about it. I am taking a break because of my health issues and to lose weight, which will also help with my health issues. Who can argue with that? However, I was still nervous to tell people.

I, of course, practiced a whole big spiel, including many scenarios of reactions from my friends, before said social event. And I never even had to tell my story. No one asked! One person said, "Oh, you are being good! I should be too." That was it. I had certainly worked myself up over nothing. I felt like a complete narcissist thinking everyone would freak out over my beverage choice! It absolutely proved what was in the bonus reading, "The truth is no one cares nowhere near as much about your drinking as you think about your drinking."

And one last thing. I am due for a "congratulations!" I have officially been sober for 30 days straight as of late last night! It was difficult that first week, but really the last few have gone by without much of a struggle. And nope, I don't regret doing it. Does anyone? And I really don't have this urge to have a drink just because I made it. It's like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I do still have a goal to do at least 60 days, but I'm not sure when or even if I will drink again. This was intended to be a break, but now I am actually entertaining the idea that I might take an extended break or even stop forever. The very fact that I am considering quitting for good as an actual option illuminates the fact that I am truly being honest and realistic about what needs to happen to get me to where I want to be finally. Removing the booze seems to have released my rational brain back into the world.

Okay now, off to review the rest of the week's solutions now.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl