30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 23

So I read the chapter earlier today, and then I almost forgot to journal and do my action steps! I think it's another one I kind of don't want to do, so I may have avoided it for a while. So let's make myself get on with it!

There was one part of the chapter that didn't end up being an action step. It said "before going any further," but clearly I read the whole rest of the chapter before doing it. I'm supposed to take the time to write down any self-imposed or unconsciously adopted standards that might be holding me back right now, and then rewrite them so it is easier to "win." So sadly the standards I often hold me to are just like the examples in the book:

OLD STANDARD: I am not accomplished if I don't get everything done on my list each day.
NEW STANDARD: The only way I can fail is if I don't try to do what is on my list at all.

OLD STANDARD: I have to do everything perfectly.
NEW STANDARD: Not one single person is perfect, and I do enough to get through life while having a balance of work and play, which is more important that trying to attain an unachievable ideal.

OLD STANDARD: I need to make everyone happy and everyone should like me.
NEW STANDARD: I need to take care of myself and as long as I try my best to treat everyone kindly and I am my authentic self, it is not important if other people like me.

Okay, now on to the official steps...

Action Step #1: Practice the "Mental Makeover" when you experience negative emotions:
Well, I'm not having negative emotions at the moment. Well, maybe except not feeling like doing this! haha So let me pick something that happens commonly. I get annoyed with people who don't GOOOOOO!!! when I am driving, like I'm always in a hurry, when in some cases I'm really not.

AWARENESS: I always notice when I start yelling at other drivers because I'm not naturally a "yeller." Maybe it is because when I am in a hurry, it's usually because I am running late, and I am actually irritated at myself! I feel tense and stressed and irrationally bent out of shape sometimes.
ACCEPTANCE: Okay, so I get to go ahead and feel the emotion. I will do that next time I am in the car.
ANALYZING: What triggered it? Well, see AWARENESS.... I'm always running late so I feel like I need to get everywhere fast. I'm supposed to see if the drinking triggers relate to this, but they don't. I guess I was supposed to use a drinking trigger? To be honestly, now I haven't had a drinking trigger happen to me in a while now, so I just can't seem to associate with that. So on with the slow people driving scenario...
ASSIGNING: Ohh, I see. This is where I was supposed to list the standards that might be holding me back. Well, if I am running late, I am mad at myself because I am not perfect and I am trying to make someone else happy by being on time.

Action Step #2: Pick a behavior/situation that upsets you, and practice the process of "The Work":
So, let's just use the same situation: Someone who is driving slowly is annoying.

1. IS IT TRUE?: I'm not absolutely sure that that person is actually annoying, but yes, the fact that they are driving slow is annoying when you are trying to get somewhere.
2. CAN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW IT'S TRUE?: No, because it may be in their best interest to drive slow. Perhaps they are not comfortable driving fast. Perhaps it is actually not safe to drive fast.
3. HOW DO YOU REACT WHEN YOU BELIEVE THIS?: I get angry, stressed, frustrated, and sometimes irrational.
4. WHO WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT THAT THOUGHT? I would be calm and happy.
5. TURNAROUNDS:
     1. TURN THE THOUGHT TO YOURSELF: I am annoying when I drive slow.
     2. TURN THE THOUGHT AROUND TO THE OTHER: I'm really not sure how to turn this one around because I am already saying they are annoying when they drive slow.
     3. TURN THE THOUGHT AROUND TO THE OPPOSITE: People who drive slowly are delightful.

So there you have it. I have gotten emotionally sober about slow drivers. LOL I'm going to have to come back around to these processes the next time I have a "real" negative thought that is affecting my ability to thrive in sobriety. I suppose being angry at slow drivers does negatively impact my life in a small way, so I will actually try to think about these things the next time this happens in the car, but I am sure there are bigger fish to fry in the area! I just feel too positive at the moment to get deep into my negativity, and hey, isn't that a good thing?


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 22

Alrighty, here I am starting on Phase IV: Cultivating Courage and Positive Relationships to Thrive in Mind, Body, and Spirit. Today is The Courage Solution. So let's get down to it, shall we?

Action Step #1: Write about past attempts to cut back or quit drinking, specifically what you did and what you learned each time:

I have never made an attempt to stay sober in which I intended to never drink again. In fact, even this time, my intention is to cut back, not quit completely. I have however had weekly attempts to cut back, by trying to only drink on the weekends, over the past several years. Some weeks I managed to do so, but progressively, more and more weeks I failed. I would vow not to keep drinking on Sunday after blowing it out on Friday and Saturday night, but I would come up with any number of reasons to drink "just one more night" and that would often stray into the weekdays. I would end up hating myself for it, and then do it again and again. I know that my past attempts didn't work because I didn't do any kind of personal growth work. I was "white knuckling" it during the week, when I was successful, but I didn't do anything to control it on the weekends, and I wasn't attempting to do anything differently or ask why I was doing it. I created such a successful habit of drink every Friday and Saturday night that when I first quit back in June, just the mere fact that it was the weekend and I was not drinking seemed tortuous! I learned that it can truly be a habitual as well.

Action Step #2: Write a list of "drinking" fears you have not addressed and how you will specifically be able to overcome these fears:

What would I do if I wasn't afraid?
FEAR: Up until know, I have been afraid of dating sober.
What benefit have I been getting from letting this fear stop me?
BENEFIT: The benefit is that I feel my anxiety and shyness fade away.
What would I do if I had no fear?
OVERCOMING: I am excited to actually be myself and be confident and calm. In fact, I am less likely to say something I regret and I will remember the entire date!
What would I feel and experience if I took that action?
FEELINGS: Going on a date sober would allow me to be fully present and feel like I am capable of doing anything sober!

Action Step #3: Think back to the times you have turned down offers, invitations, and opportunities and determine if they are related to drinking or are automatic responses to avoid change. Consider new opportunities that come up and just say yes! Notice how that feels and if irrational fear is driving your decisions:

I have backed out of a ton of social situations over the years. Mostly I didn't feel like being around other people or having to try to meet new people or I didn't feel like putting in the effort. The majority of them were drinking events, so it's not as if I thought it would put a damper on my drinking efforts. I just think I didn't want to have to face fear, I didn't want to deal with my anxiety, and I could drink just as easily, and for cheaper, at home! I honestly feel like I am single, I don't have a career that I am passionate about, and I am overweight because I have chosen to drink instead of trying hard, feeling fear, and pursue figuring any of that out. Not to say I haven't changed jobs, or dated anyone, or successfully lost weight over the past 20 years. I have done many of those things, but I still feel stuck in the same place, and I think my dependence on alcohol can take on much of the blame.

Now, I can't exactly conger up an opportunity to say yes to this very moment, but ever since I decided to quit for a while, I have been making myself do things that I would normally have turned down as a way to prove to myself that I don't have to drink to be in the presence of other people and I am not as shy as I keep saying I am!  Definitely an irrational fear that I have been hiding behind for many years now! Not to say I don't get anxious or nervous or sometimes don't have anything to say, but I am learning how to feel those feelings and just push through, and not worry about it all so much. I'm not great at it, but I am getting better at it. And honestly, I was still nervous and anxious when I was drinking, I just somehow made it easier.

Action Step #4: Recognize, acknowledge, and embrace the presence of fear by writing down how your body reacts to fear:
Depending on the severity of the fear, I get clammy. I get hot. I get embarrassing red blotches on my face, neck, and chest. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel dizzy. I feel like I might pass out. I have a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I feel an ache in my heart. I feel nauseated. My body tingles all over. I freeze up and can't move or talk. My body trembles or shakes.

So when I feel this fear, I have to acknowledge it, be thankful for it, because it is needed in truly life-threatening situations, but then ask myself, what would I do if I wasn't afraid? What feelings do I want to feel? Courage, Strength, Ease, Confidence, Peace, Calm, Happiness, Homeostasis.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 21

I'm all just hanging out... all chill, like I have nothing to do... oh yeah, I have to journal! It's review and bonus solution day again! Always such a relief! But when you don't have any new action steps, it's easy to forget to journal.  And sadly, there is no bonus solution this week. The further I get on the companion website, there are less and less things. It's like they deserted the effort. The authors and coaches no longer comment in the forums. I think their profiles say they haven't logged on in 6 months, maybe even a year. And this week, one of the authors sent out an email to those of us who are registered on the site that basically proved that he has moved on to a much more lucrative endeavor... a 3-month more intensive program that costs almost $3000 per person. Clearly, he is making more from that then sales from this book! Not to throw him under the bus, I still think reading this book and doing this program is well worth it, and will continue despite the "holes" and lack of support on the companion site.

Now, what do I have to say. I went back and reviewed this week's solutions while I was at the pool. (Also possibly the reason that I forgot I still needed to journal by the time I got home!) I did read my Total Sobriety Affirmation when I woke up this morning... still didn't hit that mid-day mark, but I will do it again before I go to bed. I also woke up and stated out loud some of the things I am grateful for. I've had a pretty laid back, good day. The only thing that was bad was the news. I know, I'm not supposed to watch that negative crap, but when it's all over your facebook and twitter feeds, and the headline notifications on my iPhone. You sit there in disbelief that a town in your home state has been dealing with white supremacist neo-nazi and KKK protests where violence has ensued... it's hard to turn away. Trust that I avoided a lot of it. It makes my heart heavy. I just can't believe there is such ignorance and evil in the world. There is so much to be grateful and hopeful about. I cannot believe we are still dealing with people who want to treat others differently for the color of their skin! What an absolutely groundless mindset! I'd say those people should probably do some of the action steps in this book and worry about their own damn problems!

So I am grateful this evening that I did not have to endure any violence because of my opinion. I am grateful for those who stood up against hate. I am grateful that the people I chose to surround myself with do not hold these limiting beliefs about people of other cultures! And I am grateful for my progress with my own future and continuing to work this program and my 60 days of sobriety!


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 20

Woot woot! I'm two-thirds of the way done! And I am happy to see today's topic... The Gratitude Solution. This isn't the first time I've worked on recognizing what I am grateful for. I've been journaling on and off for for many, many years now, and in lots of those journal entries, I would write down what I was grateful for at the end, basically to end on a positive note. So let's get down to it.

Action Step #1: List 25 or more things you are grateful for:

1. That I still own my home.
2. That I have no credit card debt.
3. That I was able to refinance my home and save money.
4. My cat.
5. My friends.
6. My parents.
7. That my house is picked up.
8. That I have maintained sobriety for 46 days (it will be 47 in a few hours!)
9. That I woke up without a hangover.
10. That I have lost almost 35 pounds since January 3rd.
11. That I have walked at least 5 days a week for 7 weeks straight.
12. That I ran across the "30 Day Sobriety Solution."
13. The supportive people I have come across in the forum.
14. My long hair.
15. That my health problems are manageable.
16. My electronics (laptop, iphone, ipad, TV, and Roku).
17. The games I can play on my electronics!
18. All the televisions show and movies available to watch!
19. The flexibility of my work hours and the ability to work from home.
20. My relationship with my boss.
21. The library. (Free books!)
22. The city I live in.
23. That I have learned to become a better cook.
24. That I had the experiences I had in high school and college.
25. That I got the opportunity to be in a commercial once upon a time.

It started getting not as easy halfway through, but I managed to think of some more!

Action Step #2: When you wake up in the morning, think about 5 or more things that you are grateful for (and spend a few minutes actually feeling grateful):

Well, obviously that won't happen until tomorrow. I'll try to write about that tomorrow. I'm going to set a reminder on my phone to do that so I won't forget!

Action Step #3: Tell someone how much you appreciate them either face-to-face, on the phone, in an email, or by writing a letter:

Well, it's after midnight, so I can't exactly call someone or go see someone right at the moment! So I sent a message to someone I have regularly been in touch with on the companion site that has routinely checked in on me. I do really appreciate them!

Ok, now I do have a confession. I was supposed to be reviewing my Total Sobriety Affirmation from Day 18 daily, in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bed, and yesterday I only did it once. Today, I've only done it once. This whole 3 times a day thing doesn't appear to be my jam. 

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 19

Yeah, I really don't feel like doing this today. I did read the chapter. But we have to write a new "me" statement. More goals. And I guess that is part of my problem. I don't know all the details of what I want for myself. I realize that part of this process for me is to figure that out, but there are a lot of things in my head that I am not certain if I truly want to do because I am passionate about it, or if I want to do them for some false feeling of what I should be doing or what would make other people happy, or look up to me, make me feel "cool." That doesn't seem so authentic. That's what I need to figure out. So, today's solution, the attraction solution, may well be another half-assed one.

Action Step #1: Use the "ask, believe, receive" process:
See they even say in this section "now that you have clarity about what you want..."  Ummm, clari-who?!? I still don't! I know generically I want to be happy and healthy, but I don't really know the specifics of how to achieve that besides cut back or quit drinking and work out and eat better. Anyway, the next time I am daydreaming about my life but then start getting negative about it, I'm supposed to use this process. Mostly lately I've been daydreaming about being on a future season of the reality TV show, Big Brother. But after reading this chapter, even watching the show is probably not good for me (see Action Step #2). And do I want this because I am truly passionate about it, or do I want it because of the semi-celebrity associated with it? And the book says to be realistic. Is this really realistic? So maybe I need to change my little daydreams.

Action Step #2: Change your inputs (stop watching negative, fear-inducing news, shows, stories, images, and videos, and ask yourself if the books, video games, shows, movies, etc. you choose leave you in a positive mind-frame and add value to your life):
So yeah, does Big Brother really add value to my life? LOL Other than researching it to figure out how I can win the $500,000 when I am on it! haha  I also like Snapped, 20/20, Dateline, Forensic Files, etc. Certainly, those are not good for me. But I have an interest in forensics! The good news is the games I chose to play, for the most part, are not violent... sudoku, matching with friends, farmville 2, candy crush. Every once in a while I do play Walking Dead' No Mans Land, but I turn the "gore" off. Not sure that any of those games are actually enhancing my life. But maybe they help me with keeping my mind problem-solving? Maybe I am staving off Alzheimer's and dementia? One can hope! And oh yeah, I watch The Walking Dead too. That's probably not good either, but I love it! Well, the other good thing is that I actually do not watch the news, for the very reason that it is depressing! I do get highlights of headlines on my phone, but I only read a select few. *sigh* I may not be very good at this one!

Action Step #3: Write Your New Story:
Crap. Now we are at the point that I am supposed to write a present-tense story of where I am in a year. I have no idea. I'm just going to write some stuff, and hopefully, in the near future I can mold it and fill in the blanks as I figure out the specifics of where I want to be. Oh, and I am supposed to read it at least once a week and update it as I get more clarity. Which is good since I am really not clear!

So I started to think about this, and I don't really understand how this is anything different from the "new me" statement I wrote on day 2. I guess in 17 days it should have evolved and changed, but sorry, that hasn't happened. I still don't really know what career I want, I don't know the exact hobbies I want to be engaged in, I don't even really know if I want to be dating by then, or if I just feel like I should because I'm in my 40's, never been married, and I should be with someone, and society expects that I should be married by now, or at least have a boyfriend. I can't truly imagine any kind of relationship with someone because I am still working on myself. So that's just it. My story hasn't changed in 17 days. I need more time. So instead of copying and pasting the whole damn thing here, I'm just going to refer to my Day 2 journal entry. Eventually, it will evolve and be rewritten to be more specific, but I'm must not there yet.


Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 18

Well, it is so nice to see the double-digits continue, and getting almost into the 20s! And I am so glad I gave myself permission just to read the chapter and not take copious notes. I was feeling like this was so time-consuming. Some nights I would spend upwards of five hours on it! It's not like I quit my job to do this, right?!? So, I'm feeling good about today. The last two days, or maybe even more than that were rough. Feeling more positive today. I don't know if I am exactly doing this right, but it said don't worry about being perfect! As long as I am positive and in the present tense, I am good with it for the moment!

Action Step #1: write your Total Sobriety Affirmation:

I have a clear mind so that I can easily make informed decisions.
I am vibrant and full of happiness.
I feel amazing both mentally and physically.
My sleep is peaceful and comforting.
Creativity flows through me.
My humor is amplified.
I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love.
I am grateful and proud that I have maintained sobriety.
I have stayed sober for 60 days in a row, allowing my authenticity to shine.
I have completed the program's readings daily and finished the action steps.
I look myself in the mirror daily and tell myself that I love myself and I forgive myself so that my appreciation for myself, happiness, and self-reliance continues to grow.
It is easier to have a fun and exciting life while sober.
I am just as fun, cool, and likable as I want to be in sobriety.
Sex is more exciting when my senses are intensified through sobriety.
My anxiety is better with long-term sobriety.
I am a normal person that just requires some extra assistance to be a normal drinker.
I have fun and am naturally inspired and passionate about life in sobriety.
I am relieved that I am healthy, I am at a normal weight, and my bloodwork has stabilized.
I easily and happily order a club soda in any social situation.
I exude unwavering self-confidence in sobriety.

Action Step #2: Use your Total Sobriety Affirmation daily:
I plan to write my Total Sobriety Affirmation on notecards and/or print it out. I will read it aloud in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bed. I will record my affirmations to listen to while walking. When I catch myself complaining, blaming, justifying bad behavior, or engaging in negative self-talk, I will review my affirmations. The more I repeat them, the better. I will ask questions, as we learned on Day 16 about my affirmations. When possible, I will supercharge my affirmations by using visualization, feeling the emotions, and using tapping.

Action Step #3: Listen to the thriving-in-sobriety guided affirmations:
So I did that. I just can't seem to really get into these visualization things. Maybe it will come with time.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 17

Confession: I didn't meet one of my goals yesterday. While I did read Chapter 17, I read it at 2:00 am. I was actually not in the mood to do anything but ended up making myself read, and I was in bed and kept dozing off, so obviously, a lot of the information didn't stick. Plus I didn't do the 5 minutes minimum of journaling I said I would in my goals.

I almost didn't do anything tonight either. I'm in a bad mood. I cried. I cried about stuff from high school and college. I don't even know how it came up. And then today was the anniversary of the death of my cat. It's been one year, and I am working on forgiving myself for what I believe was not taking good enough care of her and having to decide to put her to sleep.

After thinking that I was just not going to do anything on the program today because it was a rough day, I decided to at least re-read the chapter. Funny how it's all about negative thinking and being in a bad mood. So then I figured, I had better do the action steps too. So let's get on with the Eternal Optimist Solution...

Action Step #1: Stop and analyze your thoughts when you are in a bad mood.
Hey, guess what? I am in a bad mood! So let's ask these questions. What am I thinking about? I'm thinking about the choices I regret in high school and college. I'm thinking about the poor job I did in caring for my pet. What is my negative self-talk? I should have tried harder. I should have believed in myself. I should not have listened to others. I should not have worried what other people thought. I should have done better. Who's voice is it? It's my voice. What is the tone of the voice? Angry. Sad. What visual images am I focusing on? I'm seeing various moments of me in high school and college. I'm seeing the last moment I looked into my cat's eyes before she was euthanized.

Now that you are aware of what is putting you in a bad mood, change your thoughts by using what you have learned today and in past solutions:
You cannot change the past. Nothing will ever be perfect. You did the best you were capable of at that moment in time. A failure is something you experience, not who you are. You are only focusing on the negative experiences and not the positive experiences you had and choices you made in high school in college and in the 12 years you had with your beloved cat. You have learned from these situations. Your life is not a total failure due to these decisions. You are a good person. You forgive yourself.

Action Step #2: Write down your "negative thinking traps" and how each one shows up in your life using examples:

First, I'd like to point out that I am about list every single negative thinking trap they listed. I clearly have a lot of barriers in front of me!...

• Perfectionism. I am constantly critiquing myself. See action step #1! I believed I should have known at a young age (high school/college) exactly what decisions were right for me. I believed that I should have been more perfect in caring for my cat.
• Negative Labeling. I have found myself yelling at myself in the mirror sometimes saying "You stupid idiot!" when I do things that I don't like.
• Generalizing (All or Nothing). I have many times thought I am always screwing up drinking less or losing weight.
• Deletion. I often do put out of my head all the times I was very sad while drinking excessively. I remember the good times much better.
• Jumping to Negative Conclusions. I always assume the worst in situations. Whoops, there I go generalizing! I suppose I don't always, but a great deal of the time! For example, a few weeks ago I assumed the very worse of what my friends would say when I went out to dinner with them and I didn't drink. The actual evening was not even close to what I had imagined.
• Exaggeration/Minimization.
• Emotional Reasoning. I cannot think of any specific examples, but I do tend to assume my negative emotions reflect the way things really are. I mean the negative feelings in action step #1 are the way I feel things really are. At least I did at the time I thought them.
• "Should" statements. I am constantly "shoulding" on myself, but not the same way as the book describes. I am saying "should" because that is what I believe others--my  parents, my friends, co-workers, society, the world--expects me to be. But sometimes I do say that for things I know I want to do... "I should cut back on my drinking"... "I should work out."
• Personalization. If I don't hear back from someone immediately, I automatically assume I did something to offend them or something to that effect. 
• Mind Reading. I am too afraid to ask people what they are really thinking, so I am constantly assuming what people are thinking.

Action Step #3: Write down how to change each of your traps:

Unfortunately, I just cannot think of super specific examples for a lot of these right now. I'll admit, I am still in burnout mode with this program, so I am just dangling to hold on to this 100% commitment. Even though I was upset today, and I cried. I didn't drink. I just felt the feelings, let myself cry, and it was hard, but I didn't run to the bottle. I had no intention of trying to drink it away. Anyway, I may be half-assing this step, but I am just trying to do as best as I can. No one is perfect.  So, good one to start with....

• Perfectionism. Tell myself that no one and nothing is perfect. Tell myself that good enough is good enough. You are still trying to do your best.
• Negative Labeling. You may do stupid things, but no one's perfect, so don't tell yourself that. Failure is something you experience, not who you are.
• Generalizing (All or Nothing). You are not always screwing up drinking less. You don't drink when you sleep. You have not had a drink on many days! And look at you now! You have not had a drink in 44 days! And you have not screwed up losing weight. You have lost 74 lbs before, you can do it again. You don't eat horribly every single minute of every single day. 
• Deletion. You have to remember the bad times of your drinking excessively. You have written journal entries before even doing this program. Go read them if you get off track with cutting back or quitting drinking.
• Jumping to Negative Conclusions. Start imagining the best of situations. Realize that every situation is unique, so be open to what might happen. It might not turn out as good as you think, but it is not the end of the world.
• Exaggeration/Minimization. Exaggerate the positive and minimize the negative!
• Emotional Reasoning. Acknowledge that emotions are temporary and can be changed!
• "Should" statements. Think about what YOU actually want, not anyone else, and then change those "should" statements to "want."
• Personalization. Don't make assumptions. It is not always you. That is a bit conceited, don't you think? Get more information.
• Mind Reading. Stop being afraid to ask people what they are really thinking because it will make the situation better in the long run. Again, do not make assumptions. "When in doubt, check it out!"

Okay, so I am probably doing myself a disservice by not thinking of specific examples, but I KNOW I do all of these things, I just can't think of exactly when. This will still be helpful to come back to and apply when I do run across these situations.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl