So today, I have been putting this off. This is a hard one for me. I didn't have a traumatic childhood, but codependency does run rampant with my mother. The thing is, I have gone to therapy of all sorts over the last 20 or so years. I already went through a guided process of writing a letter to my mother maybe about 10 years ago. I think I have forgiven her. We still have a codependent relationship, but at this point, I can better manage it, and I'm not going to go through the "boundaries" conversation with her one more time. She's getting older. She'll be gone one day. She needs me now. And I will be shattered when she leaves this earth. I don't harbor constant anger at her anymore. But then she is the person who comes to mind when I ask myself who I hold the most resentment for. I'm not mentioning everything, since I already did this letter and forgave her on a number of other things though! And again, I didn't have a traumatic childhood, so I will probably sound ridiculous!
Since I had already done a similar exercise about my mother, I thought, who is the second person I am most angry with? That would be myself. But not in a I did all these terrible things when I was wasted thing. A lot of it was before I ever had a problem.
So I decided to write a letter to both my mother and myself. I don't even know if I am doing these right, but I have got to get something down before I put this off even more. It's at least a start if not complete.
____________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I am upset that you never taught me that if I tried hard I could do anything. You never taught me that my dreams could come true. I hate that you always told me I would be missing out on a “normal” life (of getting married, having kids, not struggling for money, and a 9 to 5 job) when I wanted to pursue musical theater in college. I hated that you discouraged me from certain things, like trying out for the dance team in high school because of stupid things like what if I hurt myself. I hate how you still nag me about things as if I am still a young child. I hate that because I am single and childless that all you wants for me is a rich husband, that you don't even care if I like or am attracted to, as if that is the most important thing is to be rich and married, and I couldn't possibly take care of myself. I hate that you think you know what it’s like to date for over 20 years, when you got married when you were 22 and are still married to the same person. I hate that you are so concerned about what you (and I) look like, and what other people look like, as if that is the most important thing in life. I hate that you care so much what others think about you and our family, as if you are still in the 1950’s and you have to keep up appearances. I hate how we have a codependent relationship. In my adulthood, I hated that when I dated a women, and I came out as bisexual to you, and even though you accept that for other people, you were devastated that your own daughter was in a homosexual relationship, and you asked me not to tell any of the family.
I felt like I was not good enough at the things I wanted to pursue because you don't believe dreams can come true and still don’t believe that people can do anything they set their minds to. Even though I didn’t pursue my dreams, I didn’t get this “normal life” that you talked about either, so I feel gypped because I believed I would get one or the other. My self-esteem is wrapped up in what I look like in great part to the importance you have placed on appearance and what others think. It hurts that you don’t believe I am capable of taking care of myself without a man. It hurts that you can’t fully accept my bisexuality. If I had a child, I would support them no matter who they loved, as long as they were happy. I would not be embarrassed to tell anyone.
I’m sorry that I was too afraid to ever tell you how I felt when I was younger, and still sometimes today. I’m sorry that I haven’t created the proper boundaries with you in my adulthood.
I want you to believe that whatever I want to do or whoever I love is good enough and that I can be successful. No matter what or who it is! I want you to believe I can do anything, even if I end up failing. I want you to not care about what you look like or what I looked like all the time.
I understand that you are a product of your upbringing. I know that you were brought up to keep appearances and being gay was not normal in our family. I understand that you did what you did to protect me (e.g. from failure), to try to give me a better life, and only because you loved me and wanted better for me than you had. I forgive you for all these things because I do really love you, and I do know you love me more than anything in the world. I don’t know what I will do without you. I appreciate that you are always there for me still, and you listen to what I have to say as an adult sometimes and even take my advice sometimes.____________________________________________________________________________
Dear Me,
I am the most angry with you. I am angry you think that if you aren't number one at something, then you shouldn’t do it, and you quit, as a child. I am angry that you thought everything comes naturally, and you shouldn’t have to try that hard to get it. I am angry that you didn’t believe in yourself enough. I am angry that you didn’t work hard enough, practice hard enough, or focus enough to be better at what you wanted to do. I regret that you did not try harder to pursue music and other things you enjoyed when you were younger and more capable and alcohol was not a problem in my life. I am so mad at you for not taking it more seriously, not believing you could do it, being afraid to fail, and not feeling good enough.
I hate that you gained all this weight back that you worked so hard to lose. I feel like you are a failure, and I am having a hard time forgiving you. No one forced food down your throat. No one forced you to drink. No one forced you to stop working out. You made all those decisions. You did this to yourself. You undid your own success and wasted the last four years getting fatter, when you could be healthier still and feeling good about yourself. I feel like an idiot. I hate you for this sometimes.
I resent that you often listen to your mother about what you should do still in your 40s a lot of the time because you can’t make a decision. I regret you listening to her when it came time to decide to put your cat down. I feel guilty that you did not take care of her better because many of the times you were drinking and either forgot or just didn’t feel like dealing with trying to give her the medicine. You were selfish because you were sick of taking care of her and didn’t want to spend thousands of dollars trying to save her when there was no guarantee. I feel guilty because you think you cut her life short, when you should have spent all the money in the world to save her like other people do with their pets.
I hate all the times you decided to drink when you knew you really shouldn't and woke up in the morning hating yourself.
With all these things, you sometimes feel worthless, unlovable, like a failure, and not living up to the world’s expectations.
I’m sorry that you didn’t try harder. I’m sorry you were incapable of believing in yourself at times. I’m sorry you were afraid to fail. I’m sorry that you compared yourself to other people. I’m sorry that you often used alcohol to cope instead of trying. I'm sorry you didn't have the willpower. I'm sorry you were too sad to realize just how bad things were sometimes.
I want you to believe in yourself now. I want you to realize that you are worth something, you are lovable, and you are a success, and you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. I want you to know you did the very best you were capable of in trying to take care of your cat, and she is no longer suffering. You cannot change the past, so let it go. You may have made poor decisions, but you can start to make better ones. Failures happen so that successes can be appreciated. You are a good person, and you deserve forgiveness and happiness.____________________________________________________________________________
And then there's this business of making a list of other people I need to forgive, so I can do this exercise with them later. To keep anonymity, their names will not be used.
1) My ex-boyfriend from about 4 years ago
2) My best friend from my late-twenties
3) My other best friend from my late-twenties
Also, I did look in the mirror and say "I love myself." Several times in fact. I posted a note on my bathroom mirror that says that. I also read the forgiveness affirmation, I read my "New Me" this morning, and I memorized and said aloud my 30-Day Vision Statement too. Whew... finally done with Day 4... it took me 3 days!
Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl
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