30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 16

Well, obviously I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. The good news is that I was really was not close to grabbing a drink. That's the number one thing I don't want to give up on. I was just frustrated with the emotions of all this work. My perfectionist self was is rearing its ugly head. I was confusing 100% commitment with 100% perfect. As tonight rolled around, I almost decided not to do anything at all because I needed a break. But then I remembered that one of my goals was to at least read the chapter and write in my journal for five minutes. So, I decided that I no longer need to take copious (a.k.a. perfectionist) notes. I mean, I was taking up to 2 hours to read and write these notes sometimes! Luckily it was one of the shorter chapters, and wow, that didn't take long at all! Good plan! So now, I have plenty of time to get to these Quality Question SOlution action steps!

Action Step #1: Make a list of the questions you ask yourself that contain negative presuppositions:

• Why do I drink so much?
• Why can't I lose weight and be healthier?
• Why is it impossible to be sober and have a fun and exciting life?
• Why am I not fun, cool, or likable without alcohol?
• Why does sex sober suck?

Action Step #2: Write empowering questions:

• How can I thrive in sobriety?
• How can I be healthier and achieve my ideal weight while loving the process?
• How can I be sober and have fun and excitement in my life?
• How can I be fun, cool, and likable when I'm sober?
• How can sex be more exciting in sobriety?

Action Step #3: Write your 30-Day Vision Statement question in a question format:

• How will I have a clear mind, be vibrant, and be full of happiness?
• How will I feel amazing both mentally and physically?
• How will my sleep be comforting and peaceful?
• How will creativity flow through me?
• How will my humor be amplified?
• How will I treat myself with forgiveness, compassion, and self-love?
• How will I be grateful that I have maintained my sobriety?

Well, my vision statement is long, so I have a lot of questions! The better news is that, even though I have to ask these questions several times a day, I am done reviewing the original vision statement and "new me" journal entry because it's already been two weeks! Wow, that makes me feel good too!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 15, Part 2

I think I am getting burnt out. I just do NOT want to do this today. I barely wanted to do it last night. I still don't want to do it. What is my problem? I don't know, maybe I just want a day where I don't have to think about myself, or what I want, I just want to freaking go about my day, enjoy it, and not have to do a million readings and affirmations and visions and tapping and whatever else. Yes, I am frustrated and burned the hell out. And only after 15 damn days.

But here I am. I am going to finish this day's action steps, but I am pretty certain I am going to half-ass it. I see lots of people saying this is a critical step, but I'm sorry, I don't know what the freak it smells like to thrive in sobriety! Seriously! Smells like? I don't pay attention to smells other than the candles in my home, which smell that way whether I am drunk or sober, by the way. I'm supposed to be oh so detailed, and I just want to run a few scenarios through my head quickly and be done with it. Blah blah, there I am sober having a freaking amazing time. (Clearly, I am still having a hard time believing this. I don't know what the thriving in sobriety version of me looks like. I'm not sure she exists.

So just a little while ago, I thought, I've been sober for a while now, I have had plenty of sober weekends. And then I counted. I'm on my sixth weekend now. I guess that's not really very much. The first weekend, I was pretty much white-knuckling it. But the question is, have I had fun on these other weekends? Yes, at some points, I've done some social things, some shopping, some relaxing at the pool. But I can't honestly say that I am just having SOOOO MUCH FUUUUUNNNN that being sober is SOOOOO AMAZING. Most of the time I would have preferred to have a drink in hand, but I didn't have much of a problem not drinking. I have spent my weekends basically avoiding doing anything that has to do with drinking. I have completely avoided my best friends because all they do on the weekend is drink. They've done pub crawls, and day drinking, and gone to our regular bar. And here I sit instead doing these freaking mind-exploding emotional over the top exercises thinking about myself and how amazing my life is going to be when I order a f@#ing club soda at the bar I was a regular at. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. ...feel the sarcasm.

So as you can see, I am not there yet. I clearly don't fully believe my life is going to be as exciting, and I have a long freaking way to go. And that upsets me. Whatever, let me get on with half-assing the descriptions of not just one, but THREE visions, that I need to think about every day. UGH. Then I can get on with my boring Saturday night of drinking club soda by myself, watching TV. At least I will be able to stop thinking about myself and all the 9 million steps I'm so supposed to take. Thank god I get special chocolates tonight for another week of not drinking. Don't judge the sugar either. I freaking deserve it.

Action Step #1: Create 3-5 mental images or movies to visualize. Write them down in your journal and visualize at least once a day:

VISUALIZATION #1: See myself ordering a club soda at the bar we always go to and still having fun:
I am laughing so hard my face is scrunched up, and I look so confident and beautiful and radiant. Everyone is looking at me like I am the most amazing person on earth. I am super skinny and have new clothes. I can smell the limes in my club soda. People are not reacting to the fact that I just ordered a club soda. In fact, more people are coming over and talking to me because I exude so much self-confidence.

VISUALIZATION #2: See myself when I was in high school and we placed in national competition for the first time.
I was always sober in high school. I am wearing my red sparkly dress, and all my friends are around me. We are so excited, overwhelmed, elated, grateful, happy, joyous. In fact tears of joy. Everyone is hugging one another. I can't stop smiling. I am healthy and spunky and skinny. We performed our hearts out. I was sober the entire trip. I had so much fun and even started dating someone during that trip. It was genuine fun and joy.

VISUALIZATION #3: ..... nothing...

I DON'T F$%$KING KNOW. I just can't with this. They want me to imagine an entire weekend full of fun. When the hell does that ever happen? IT DOESN'T!!! This is not even realistic to me. I can't imagine an entire weekend of fun without alcohol. And there it is. I am sobbing. SOBBING!!! I can't freaking imagine it. If I can't imagine it, it's not going to happen. I am so upset. My emotions are spinning all over the place, and half of me just wants to go get a drink right now because clearly, I can't even imagine not drinking again, so I might as well go ahead and get it over with now!!! I've already done my 30 days. EFF THIS!!!

....But I won't. I'm too much of a perfectionist. And I'm already down this rabbit hole, and I'm not going to screw up my commitment to 60 days sober. That's all I've committed to. That and doing this damn program. This was about cutting back, not quitting forever. I know they use the term "sobriety" as cutting back too. And now that I think of it, I can actually imagine having an entire weekend of fun just cutting back. I don't need to be wasted, but I truly cannot yet think of an entire weekend without a single drop. I guess that just pisses me off and makes me sad. I shouldn't feel that way. But the truth is, I am just not there yet.

So sorry, I'm just not going to do 3 visualizations. I am good with 2 right now. Maybe my brain needs some more solutions and some more changes to get me to have more than 2 visualizations. I just don't want to think about this crap anymore right now. I'm done.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 15, Part 1

Well, it's after 1:30 am, and I feel like I would be doing this 4-Minute Mile Solution a disservice, or really myself a disservice, if I didn't give it some good effort, but I am just too tired to stay up until 3 or 4 am to get it done! So off into a two-part day I go!

Action Step #2: Listen to the guided visualizations on today’s companion website:
I did do both... once I found the second one. The website is not the most user-friendly, but we don't pay any extra for it, so I can't complain! I actually think it was good for me to do those before doing action step #1. It showed me just how difficult it is for me to imagine in full detail. Especially when imagining the person I want to be. Do you suppose that is some sort of a blockage or limiting belief keeping me from imagining the better me? Do I not truly believe that I can be better? I need to really focus on creating these 3-5 visualizations for action step #1 tomorrow. I need a clear head and some sleep to tackle it with the detail that is required!

Action Step #3: Start on a vision board, work on it over the next month, and set a date for completion:
This is so weird! Just yesterday, I got a magazine in the mail, and when I was done perusing it, I thought I should cut out anything that might work for my vision board. A vision board that I intended to put together over a year and a half ago! I have the poster board and all! I thought to myself, finally completing my vision board would probably go right along with all the work I am doing in this program. Haha! Guess I was right. So I started this action step before I even knew I had to do it! I plan on working on my vision board this weekend. I want to have it done by the time I am done with this program, so no later than September 8th.

So there you have it. I will complete action step #1 tomorrow when I have the time and the energy to devote to creating some effective visualizations.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 14

Ahhh, another review day. Weekly relief! And a very short chapter read, at that! However, I went back to the companion site and reviewed everything and read my journal entries, and that ended up taking me longer than expected! It was good to review though. I found some videos that I had missed. I practiced tapping again. And now I am supposed to write for at least 5 minutes. :)

It was good to go back through the summaries and what I wrote. It reminded me of some things I had already forgotten about, and I'm sure it reinforced what I learned.

The Bonus Solution is the Relapse Solution. I skimmed it over. There are not any action steps, but it will be a good resource when I get closer to 60 days, and then closer to my cousin's wedding, because I'm not really sure at that point what my decision will be to drink or not to drink. I actually thought about having a vodka soda, and I really didn't want it. It's almost like I am scared to drink it again. Almost like the girl I was in high school. Afraid of how I will respond. Afraid it will mess things up. Will one drink send me down the rabbit hole? Am I fooling myself that I don't have a desire to drink? Will I fail at this whole program? Well, there I go, doubting myself. Not believing in myself. So nope!!!...

This. time. is. different. I love myself, I believe in myself, I forgive myself, and I accept myself. Even though my regular life continues on, I spend time every day working on myself, working to stick to my core values, change my thoughts, and eliminate my limiting beliefs. I choose to be sober right now. I choose to work on myself. I choose to be free.

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 13

I have had a book sitting on my shelf called "The Tapping Solution " for a few years now. It came with a bundle of books I got after watching a PBS show once upon a time. I have not yet read it. And then here we come to today's solution.... about that very thing. Like others, I am skeptical, but it's not like it hurts you, so I might as well try.

Action Step #1: Practice the basic tapping procedure every day until you no longer need the diagram to know the sequence.
So, I practiced it. And I think I have it down. I'll come back to it tomorrow. I used one of my limiting beliefs from Day 9. I also used it again because I started feeling bad, and then I felt like I was going into a panic attack. I wouldn't say that the panic-y feeling are completely gone, but I do feel better. I just can't stand to keep tapping myself all over anymore!

Action Step #2: Revisit Day 4, and if you are still holding any judgement, anger, or resentment toward yourself or anyone else, tap to neutralize and release those feelings.
I don't think I am holding resentment. Or maybe because I am sick of tapping myself?! I might try this tomorrow. I don't feel like I am in the frame of mind to tackle this right now. I'm still feeling yucky, and I need a fresh mind!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 12

I am glad the reading and the action steps are a lot shorter today. Yesterday was intense. So let's get right to it...  The Subconscious Mind Solution...

Action Step #1: Reprogram yourself for success before bed:

I will read my 30-day vision statement, goals, forgiveness affirmation, new beliefs, and "new me" before I go to bed so my subconscious has a chance to reprogram overnight with fresh visualizations.

Action Step #2:Complete all the guided imagery exercises for past solutions, if you have not done so already, and review past solutions and explore how they are already helping to reprogram your subconscious.

I think I already did all of them. I'll check out the companion site to see if I missed anything. I can absolutely see that what I have learned so far is helping to reprogram my subconscious.

Action Step #3: Identify your subconscious drinking links by writing down times, places, and emotional states (happy, sad, angry, bored) you were in when you used to drink and when you really craved a drink, and try to recall incidents from your childhood that helped create these links:

My drinking was often linked to getting done with work. It didn't matter if at home or at a social event. And honestly I would drink for any emotional state! The cravings were worse on the weekend... because "it's the weekend! I should be able to drink! I don't have to work!" It appears to me that I have truly developed a habit. I don't have those strong cravings anymore just because I'm getting off work or it's the weekend. It's amazing how it's already changed.

There was absolutely nothing from my childhood that I remember that showed me drinking was a good thing. My parents did not drink! Well, my father had a drinking problem, but he quit before I was 2 years old. I have no memories of him drinking at all. He drinks now, by the way, but very moderately, and didn't start again until I was in my 30s, he was in his 50s! I think yesterday, I really hit on what from my childhood influenced my problem drinking later in life. It was somewhat of an epiphany because I always wondered how I got to where I was when I didn't really drink in my youth.

I'm off to check out the companion site forums so I can catch up on some responses!

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl

30-Day Sobriety Solution Journal: Day 11

Well, first I just have to say it was very enlightening to realize where much of my limiting beliefs come from. As a child, I believed “I didn't fit in,” I was shy and socially awkward, and "I was not good enough” if I wasn't number one at something. I got made fun of for being "unathletic" and a slow runner (a.k.a. "not good enough") by my friends in elementary school. I even remember the time I really wanted to be friends with this girl in pre-school, and this big bully girl with orange-red hair wouldn't let her be friends with me. While I wasn't a total dork in high school, I still wasn't one of the "cool" kids. And it wasn't until my late 20s that I realized not everyone liked me, and that was devastating to me. Even if I wasn't the coolest, I always try to be nice to everyone.

I was afraid to be bad and drink in high school, but college was a whole new world, and when I drank I was "cool" and I "fit in." But it was a weekend thing for fun, not a stress reliever or an attempt to self-medicate. It wasn't until my late 20s that I even entertained the idea of having a few drinks at home during the work week. I had never experienced my parents doing that, and my roommates up until that point didn't do that. Living with roommates who normalized drinking on the daily, combined with a major bought of depression and panic attacks, led to my first foray into self-medicating and a serious drinking problem. I don't believe I have a disease called alcoholism. I believe my drinking became a coping mechanism for my depression, anxiety, and sleeping issues, but I still believed it was making me cool and fun. My alcohol consumption has wavered to and from varying degrees since then, over the last 10 or so years. But every time I was in a better place, I didn't commit to getting to the bottom of "why." I learned some skills for anxiety and depression, but clearly nothing to keep me in that better place. This program seems to be hitting exactly what I was missing before so far, and I am pleased.

Now, onward with more of this work for the day.... The Lie Detector Solution.

Action Step #1: Which limiting beliefs have I believed up until now:

• It is not possible to be sober and have a fun and exciting life.
• I am not fun, cool, or likable without alcohol.
• Sex and sobriety suck.
• Drinking reduces my anxiety.
• I need alcohol so I can sleep.
• Alcoholics are losers.
• Most people drink, and I don't want to be different.
• People will think something is wrong with me if I don't drink.

Action Step #2.a.: What I think about sober people:

• They can't control themselves.
• They are different and are not like most "normal" people. 
• There is usually something wrong with them. 
• Most are happy with a different social life than I prefer. 
• They do things that old people do. 
• They are more reserved, not very cool, and kind of boring.
• They probably judge me if I even have one drink.

Action Step #2.b.: Friends, family members, or public figures I respect who are sober or are "normal drinkers."

• My parents
• Tracey
• Maria
• Ron
• Jema
• Bradley Cooper
• Kristen Davis
• Kathy Griffin
• Al Pacino
• Samuel L. Jackson
• Shania Twain
• Jennifer Lopez
• Chris Hardwick

Action Step #3: Cross-examine my top five limiting beliefs:

• It is not possible to be sober and have a fun and exciting life.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: It is all-or-nothing thinking to believe that nothing is fun or exciting without alcohol. 
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: You have done things in your life, even in high school, that were, in fact, some of the best moments of your life that did not involve alcohol. You have performed, competed, and won competitions without alcohol. You have completed 5Ks without alcohol (even though the actual running sucked, the finishing was great.) You have done a photo shoot and commercial without alcohol.
• I am not fun, cool, or likable without alcohol.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: Do you really believe that everyone who has met you when you were not drinking does not like you, does not think you are cool, or does not think you are fun?
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: You have friends that hang out with you when you are sober! If they thought you were not fun, not cool, and/or unlikable, why would they bother? People at work like you and laugh when you joke around, and you aren't drinking at work!
• Sex and sobriety suck.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: I can make stupid decisions about who to have sex with when I am drunk. It is also again all-or-nothing thinking to believe that sex without alcohol is never good. You don't remember half, if any, of what happens when you have sex intoxicated! How many times has sex still sucked when you were drinking?
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: Lots of people have sex sober, and I'm pretty sure they quite like it. Alcohol can dull your senses and affect your performance, so having sex sober has great potential to be better!
• Drinking reduces my anxiety.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: There are other ways to reduce anxiety.
• WHY IT IS NOT  TRUE: Excessive alcohol use can actually make anxiety worse. Drinking too much to relieve social anxiety may actually cause you to come off worse, such as slurring your words, forgetting what you were saying, saying things you normally wouldn't say or regret, and/or not remembering what happened the next day!
• People will think something is wrong with me if I don't drink.
• HOW IT LIMITS ME: Being concerned with what everyone thinks of you is very self-limiting.
• WHY IT IS NOT TRUE: Not everyone is going to think that. And if they do, do you really want to be their friend if they are that judgmental?

And really, in summary, all of these are limiting because if I believe them, then I won't be successful in trying to cut back or quit drinking in the long term.

Action Step #4:  My new beliefs to replace my limiting beliefs:

• It is easier to have a fun and exciting life while sober.
• I am just as fun, cool, and likable as I want to be in sobriety.
• Sex is more exciting when my senses are intensified through sobriety.
• My anxiety is better with long-term sobriety.
• Sobriety allows me to have better sleep.
• Alcoholics and problem drinkers are just normal people who need some help becoming "normal drinkers" or teetotallers.
• While it seems most people drink, there are plenty of people who are teetotallers or are "normal drinkers," and whether or not I am sober is insignificant to them. 
• People who choose not to drink are normal people, and most do not concern themselves with how much I drink.

Now off to write those new beliefs on some notecards to read every day...

Until tomorrow...
Aspiring Reformed Party Girl